“So I’m uh, here at the, uh, grocery store parking lot with the, uh, world’s longest grill. And, uh, if you’re like me you might be wondering why the, uh, longest grill in the world is, uh, visiting a town with, uh, six stoplights. When the, uh, Oscar Mayer Wienermobile came to town a few months back they were able to satisfy the town with, uh, two regular grills, not the longest one in the world. So, uh, are we grilling the world’s longest sausage today or something? Uh, fuck no. The, uh, plain answer is that Family Fair has had a, uh, stranglehold on this shithole town for the last 15 or so years. They, uh, drove the small grocery store out of business when they came to town. So, you know, with their higher- well their lower prices, they were able to get lower prices than the small one of course, but the thing is, about three weeks ago the, uh, the Wal-Mart came to town. So now the people at Wal-Mart are, uh, taking all this business away because these fuckers here at the Family Fair charge eight fuckin’ bucks for a bag of chicken fingers that costs, uh, [sighs] $6.75. There it is! It’s nice and long, isn’t it? So that’s pretty cool, so that’s the, uh, Johnsonville longest grill in the world. And it’s all a marketing scam. I wanted to talk to the Johnsonville people about that, but they’re on kind of a PR blackout right now because in the June issue of the New Yorker magazine it was revealed that they’ve been selling expired sausage to the, uh, United States military at an incredible markup and great cost to the American taxpayer. As the late General Smedly P Butler said, ‘War is a racket, and it always will be.’ I tried calling the number on the back of the, uh, hot dogs, but, uh, somebody using a computer voice changer told me to quit while I was ahead. So naturally I dug deeper, and it turns out that Johnsonville sausages is not a real thing, it’s just a fucked-up, fake, made-up brand owned by the, uh, Excelsior Corporation, which is a company that only exists on paper. And it is, uh, registered, in the Bahamas, so it’s an obvious tax shelter. Uh, I looked it up, there’s not even a single town in this country named Johnsonville. There’s no Johnsonville in the United States of America. [clears throat] And furthermore, the, uh, Excelsior Corporation, I was able to look it up with some, you know, basic IRS tax paperwork and everything, it’s actually owned by, uh General Atomics. They are, uh, most well known for making things that kill people. And, you know, they’ve brought their fucking sausage to town as some kind of marketing scam, these sausage loving fucks. Now they’re not gonna fire up that bad boy for another 2 hours, but no one’s home today, so I’m gonna go fuckin’ play Super Mario Galaxy. Naked, probably. At least in my underwear. You know, I’m gonna have the time of my life and I ain’t makin’ no fuckin’ 45 minute round trip to score a free hotdog. Fuck that shit. So that’s the real news.”
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