âthereâs a crime? ugh, crime! i hate crime!â
âyou should have a plan of some kind. arenât you, like, the police chief?â
âwhy are we shooting the fire again?â
âi know you donât like it when i do this, so iâm doing it anyway.â
âi feel like a chipotle burrito.â
âwhatâcha gotta tell me? just kidding! i wonât listen to whatever it is.â
âyou know, we donât even really need your help. we just keep you around because itâs convenient for us.â
âitâs more convenient to have you help us than it is to, like, tell you to go away, âcause youâre just gonna show up, anyway.â
âi didnât wanna go to your stupid, lazer tag birthday party, anyway!â
âtell that to the nerds, nerd.â
âit looks like this [object] is a visual representation of my heart.â
âthis is just garbage i was gonna eat, but i wanted to share it with you.â
âthatâs really ugly. who designed that? thatâs the worst color combination i can think of. i mean, you are just a fashion disaster.â
â[name], i just got this e-mail from a nigerian prince! heâs gonna give me ten thousand dollars!â
âiâm lookinâ gucci! whoa!â
âwhatâs happening? whatâs dig dugginâ? hey, can i ask you a personal question?â
âah! faith and begorrah, itâs me beautiful boy!â
âno, actually. no, wait, yes! yes, absolutely.â
âbut she seems rich, so, i could probably make a buck or two off this, right?â
âlook, guns were outlawed, okay? iâve been over this with every thug.â
âyou canât outlaw fists.â
âholy shit. iâm instantly in love with you again.â
âlook, iâm a ginger. i donât have a soul of my own, i need yours.â
âoh, okay. time travel. my favorite way of traveling.â
âare you alive, though? i mean like really, intensely alive?â
âno, we broke up because youâre just a construct of my imagination.â
âyou keep sending me into these existential crises and i donât know how to handle them!â
âlook, so, we just need to talk about something else âcause iâm kinda losing my mind a little.â
âharbingers of death, [name]. police are harbingers of death.â
âi bought it with the money i saved⌠from stealing it.â
âuh, iâm a journalist and iâm also gonna steal this car.â
âno, no! literally, i would never, ever steal anything. i donât even like steel, itâs like my third least favorite metal.â
âwhatâwhat happened? is it somethingâis it worth a vine?â
âi told you to stop monetizing my pain and dread and grief.â
âyeah, the jokeâs are always on me!â
âi didnât say buttcheeks. this is slander and i will not stand for it.â
âoh, my god, what did i do? WHAT DID I DO?â
âhi, [name], what are you doing here catching me at an inconvenient time?â
âi donât actually know what iâm doing. i just looked it up on wikihow.â
âyouâre always busy making evil plans and then retracting them when i get some sense into you.â
âmorality is like a broken mug.â
âwell, thatâs⌠a first. everyone else hates me.â
âi was not thinking that at all. weâre totally not on the same wavelength. this is not gonna work.â
âyouâll never make friends if you keep getting revenge on people, [name]. you have to, like, be friendly.â
âwell, if everybody would stop fucking me over then maybeâ!â
âokay, [name], listen. iâm going to explain to you the law of the jungle: this is the law of the jungle, as old and as true as the sky. the one that shall keep it may prosperââ
âoh, god. oh, GOD. MY COOKING!â
âi never believed you could cook, [name]. i never believed that about you.â
âthere are a lot of clowns in this world that need to be fought.â
âwait⌠wait. i forgot my beef jerky.â