Perpetual Sadness.

Ruby: I need YOU to invest into this new product tbat I have made!

Weiss: ...what is it?

Ruby giggles insanely as she pulls back some curtains.

Ruby: Introducing the BOLT FUCKER 5000.

The curtains revealed Jaune, wearing only pants being held up by suspenders.

He holding some piece of metal.

Weiss: 🫪

Ruby: 🫪

Ruby: Do not let this sexy man blind you! The bolt fucker 5000 is the best piece of leverage any handy man/woman could ever have! Think of all those times you couldnt unbolt a bolt because you didnt have enough leverage.

Ruby: but now *mad laughter* now, with this tool, no more wrench slipping, no more bruised knuckles! You just slip on this over your wrench and voila, leverage for days!

Ruby: annnnd if you want more leverage? Slip on a breaker bar, whats that? Not enough? Then slip on a cheater pipe and their you have it, Thick, juicy lenghty girthy leverage!

Weiss: 🫪

Jaune: ...uh not that im complaining, it is a little hot but why did you need me to present this with my shirt off Ruby?

Ruby: Marketing 101 my dear Jaune, give the people a product they need.

Jaune: ...huh?

Weiss: 🫪

-

*Up in heaven*

Pyrrha: 🫪

GoL: Oh thank me, she calmed down.

-

In a tree, in another dimension.

Neo: 🫪🤤

Blacksmith: What the...

*ding*

Message from his girlfriend, Neo.

Neo: Coming to pick you up in five minutes. <3

Jaune: Oh what for?

She didnt respond, and Jaune just took that as a 'Get dressed and ready'.

A few honks, came minutes later and their was Neo smiling at him from the window of the car, waving him to come in.

Rolling up to the window, he noticed she was playing loud music, but not caring to much, he made sure to give her a swift kiss and made his way into the passenger seat.

Immediately, Neo handed him a white monster, still having that smile.

Jaune: Oh thanks!

Having found the music to be slightly to loud, he turned the volume down.

Jaune: So whats on the agenda-

???: mmmpphhh! mmmmph!

Some poor croney stooge was tied up.

Jaune: ...

Neo: 😇

Jaune: ...how much?

Neo: 🤑

Jaune: ...well we always wanted to go on that cruise.

Neo: 🤤

Jaune: My little psycho.

Jaune: ...ooookay what is it?

Ruby: What. Is. This!?

Ruby holds a crowbar, that has a flashbang attached to it.

Jaune: Ahh, you've met the Flashclang!

Ruby: The what!?

Jaune: Yep, personal home defense crowbar! Made it myself!

Ruby: ...but why? You have your sword?

Jaune: Hey, Crocea needs some rest too ya know!

Ruby: Is this even practical?

Jaune: What do you mean, I just pull the pin and give any intruder a good 'whack'. Neo admires it!

Ruby: Neo admires anything that can inflict the most amount of pain, but that besides the point, Jaune aren't you worried about the draw back? You know getting hit by your own flashbang?

Jaune: ....nah, not really.

Ruby: W-why not?

Jaune: Think your gonna play any important significance again?

Jaune looks at Tree branch-Neo.

Jaune: Oooh? Thats pretty cryptic! Tell me more!

-

Ruby: Jaune talking to a tree branch again?

Ren: Yep.

Ruby: Does he still think were a show or something.

Ren: He mentioned vol. 1-9 so im going to assume so.

Neo: Did you bring protection~

Jaune:

Jaune: What foul demon is up there?

Angels: ...I don't understand why were here? Its not like he's going to address the complaints.

GoL: Now I understand their is a degree of frustration regarding my decisions regarding a certain blonde knight!

Angel: Oh? Maybe he is actaully-

GoL: And im going to show you how DUMB you guys really are!

GoL: *snaps fingers and a Jaune appears*

Jaune: What!? Where? I was with Pyrrha and our kids!?

GoL: Hello my champion!

Jaune: T-the God of Light!? Wha-what am I doing here?

GoL: Oh im here to prove a point to all my loyal followers! See Jaune here comes uh-your timeline right Angel #32?

Angel #32: Erm- yeah, I made it so Pyrrha and Jaune, were able to work together and stop Cinder together, go through Beacon, do a few years of Huntsmen work, before finally settling down and having a family.

GoL: See folks? Wholesome-toothsome you could say and its all so perfect.

Angel: *all agree happily with angel it's careful work*

GoL: BUT IT COULD BE BETTER! *a projection opens up of Jaune and Pyrrha's home, before he snaps his fingers and suddenly the home, that he and Pyrrha built is nothing but a pile of ash and flames*

Jaune: wh-what did you do!?

GoL: Giving you the character development you deserve! Will come back to you in five years!

Jaune: Five yea-what happened to my famil-*boop*

GoL: *snaps finger sending Jaune away* Haha! We're going the punisher route on this guy!

Angel 32: Wha-what did you do!

GoL: I added SPICE and DRAMA! too your world, and made it soo much better! I mean look at the despair and anguish he is going through.

Angel 32: No! This...he didn't deserve this! Why!?

GoL: Good, very good.

Angels: We really saved his life!

GoL:

GoL: Send him the Fall Maiden.

Angel: I'm sorry...what?

GoL: You heard me, we're doing the enemies to lovers troupe but were maxxing out the hostility!

Angel: but...but we did that already in one timeline with the mute.

GoL: And it worked out perfectly!

Angel: that was because WE had to intervene on multiple accounts!

GoL: Listen I only send my toughest battles to my strongest warriors! Send. The. Fall. Maiden.

GoL: I want her to be so power drunk, that even Salem is jealous! I never want her to give up on her evil ways until Jaune beats it out of her *with love of course*

Angel: Sir you can't be serious!

GoL: Oh but I am: She will have issues, tremendous issues!

Angels: he-he can't handle that right now, he is in a fragile and delicate place, mentally!

GoL: Make her bi-lingual, also give her no family history, orphan status. Makes her wanting a family all the more better.

Angel: He is mixing formulas!?

Angel: What are you planning on doing with this guy...

Angel: Can't we send the rose girl? Or the schnee? surely your not willing to cause a tragedy!

GoL: This is a tragedy that will make his comeback all the more sweeter, and for those two eh, I dont know, can we go the Pyrrha route agaim with them?

Angel: NO! We won't just turn them to ash!

-

GoL:

GoL: Ya know what? Give him a toxic one!

Angels: You CAN'T be serious! Look at the man!

GoL: Calm down, calm down-

Angels: He's just 19!

GoL: I know how old he is, I made him! Okay? This? This is for CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!

-

Jaune: Test me lord, and see that I am ready!

*Ding dong*

Jaune: Oh? I wonder who that could be?

*opens door*

Ruby: JaunenotimetoexplainItsNeobutsheison a redemptionsabbaticalandIneedtogofurtherthe plotwithmyteamsoyouareNeo'splotdevicebe a goodboyandhandleitbye!

Jaune: ...

Neo: 😐

-

Ruby: They did send me.

Jaune: The IRS wouldn't want me to take off my pants.

Ruby: Yes they would because you could be hiding money in their and thats why you dont work with them an I do!

Jaune: No!

Ruby: You owe the IRS like six or seven backshots~

Jaune: Backshots? Also don't do six-seven ever again and its not backshots, its Backpay!

Ruby: ...

Jaune: ...

Ruby: ...I like it when you correct me~

Jaune: No! Thats not what im trying to do! Im trying to get you out my fucking house!

CC: I don't know what nefarious tricks you have up your sleeve, but father dominated you once! He will do it again!

Ruby: *reaches into draw*

CC: He must first regain his strength so I will fight in his stead! You silver haired she witch! Prepa-

Ruby: *pulls out a laser pointer*

CC: What devilry are you doing! Your evil trucks won't prevail! You-*gasp*

A red dot appeared on the wall.

CC: Oh-ho! You think you can win with your smaller twin, watch you scum as i vanquish this tiny devil beneath my paws!

What proceeded, as with all things cats was a comedic display of one otherworldly cat chasing a ree dot all over the wall, much to the amusement Ruby as Jaune walked in with two mugs of cocoa and both of them watched in joy as they cuddled together.

CC:

Ruby: Love you too!

Ruby waves and heads out as Jaune closes the door to his apartment.

CC: Raise the bridge and bolt the doors, do it now!

Jaune: Woah, hey, whats going on here?

CC: Will that silver eyed witch warrior she-devil return? Are you injured?

Jaune: huh? Injured? Why would I be injured?

CC: I admit, I underestimated you! You fought valiantly against the witch!

Jaune: What in the hell are you on about?

CC: The silver eyed devil must have wiped your memory, probably slipped some potion in your wine, she tried to kill you...twice!

Jaune: What? When did Ruby try to kill me?

CC: One moment you both were talking then the next you both were gladiators, nude, grappling like ancient roman wrestlers!

Jaune: No...no no no!

CC: I thought all was lost when she had you trapped on your back as you pleaded to my creators for aid!

Jaune: This...am I really having this conversation?

CC: You handled yourself well, father! You even managed to avoid contracting the vampiric curse when she was knawing on your neck!

Jaune, touching the numerous little hickeys on his neck, looked at the Curious Cat with a blush.

Jaune: That...that is not what happened! It was not a fight!

CC: It was indeed not a fight, it was a war, smacking, grabbing, and scratching! Tangled like anacondas trying to strangle each other with your entire bodies!

Jaune: Am I really talking about this...with a cat?

Jaune: we-we weren't fighting each other!

CC: No need to be bashful! You stood dominant! Don't be ashamed of victory!

Jaune: R-Ruby didn't lose?

CC: Of course she did, she even apologized for not being able to fight longer!

Jaune: Lalalalalala! Shut up, shut up!

CC: You live to fight another day, you did your best and we are safe, rest now, I'll take the first watch in case she comes back!

Jaune: I-I-im just gonna...go to bed.

Jaune: Ohkay...I'm housing not one but two demonic entities.

CC: Don't be mistaken father, the pecking order is: me first, that multi-colored haired floozy second and then this sorry excuse of a cat.

Salem: I swear to the brothers if I wasnt damned to this form, I would skewer you!

CC: The only thing you skewered were your children you melancholic tabby cat!

Salem: Oh you did not bring my babies into this!

CC: About time you bring them somewhere other then the coat tails of your insanity!

Jaune just looked at the two cats arguing, not understanding how Rubys silver eyes were able to turn Salem into a cat or why he was entrusted in watching over her, he already had to deal with one otherworldly cat, now he has this.

CC: Get. Behind. Me.

Jaune: Whats wrong?

CC: No time, you were followed! Prepare for battle!

Jaune: Huh? Fight? What are you talking about?

CC: I could smell its foul stench on you from the driveway! Its a brainless, ruthless brute that will tear you and me apart!

Jaune: Uh? Its just me.

CC: I can smell that beast on your clothes? Did you dispatch of it already?

Jaune: Huh? Of what?

CC: Canus Lupus Familiaris!

Jaune: Are you a wizard?

CC: Inbred mutated monsters. Descendants of the moon howlers! Roaming the streets terrorizing all who fall prey!

Jaune: ...you mean a dog?

CC: Yes, vulgar and disgusting creatures. Packs of savages, lost many friends to the merciless treachery.

Jaune: No, Ruby has this cute dog named Zwei

CC: Ah, yes, that rose girl, I see she has taken to using those foul beasts to get closer to you i suppose, do not fret father, I will protect you.

Jaune: Protect me from what? Zwei is harmless, gave him all the tummy rubs and head pats.

CC: You naive TRAITOROUS WHORE!

Jaune: woah a bit rude!

CC: You SLEPT with the ENEMY!

Jaune: Zwei is not the enemy! He is very well trained, he can sit, and shake hands an-

CC: Ah yes shaking hands, making deals with the devil are we now!?

Jaune: Your being overly dramatic, its not that deep!

CC: What is it this time...father.

Jaune: Don't sound so glum! Also did you order anything?

CC: ah, I do remember ordering you to bring me a flock of flirtatious fertile felines to procreate warriors to overthrow you!

Jaune: I'm not sure how everafteran cat biology works, I thought you can just...

CC: Did you think i could tap my heels and alakazam a little me would spawn!?

Jaune: I didnt think you could procreate in that way!

CC: Well I do take after my father...

Jaune: Hey don't get jealous...

CC: Jealous? We've had the same body count since I arrived on remnant!

Jaune: Hey, no one is interested in me right now in that way...

CC: He says as he is oblivious to the looks he gets from the women he surrounds himself with.

Jaune: im sorry what? Look, lets set some boundaries okay?

CC: agreed, Ill take the indoors and you can have...every where else!

Jaune: *sigh* look, lets get back to the topic, did you order something?

CC: Lets see I schneedashed a bucket of Kentucky Fried Mice, I Amazon primed a kilo of menagerian cat nip, how in the ass would i order anything, im a cat!

Jaune: I don't know, you can talk!

CC: Its pretty hard to order things with no thumbs you bipedal buffoon!

Jaune sets a box on the table.

Jaune: explain this box at the door then?

CC: What the fur is that?

Jaune: I don't know its addressed to you!

CC stares at the box and looks back at Jaune.

CC: As a member Blake's 'Cardboard cube collector club', I must ask you to empty the contents of the box and leave that marvelous piece of work to me.

Jaune: I guess someone just sent you this box.

CC: Ha! All your heroics and no box for yourself, how the tables have burned!

Jaune: Whatever, do you want whats inside?

CC: Damn what's inside, give me my kitty cuteness cubicle kingdome now!

Jaune: I always forget that while you are an otherworldly intelligent being, your still just a cat.

CC bangs on the door.

Jaune: What the fu-

CC: Let me in! Open the gate!

Jaune: No!

CC: Do you think your safe room can keep you safe from me!?

Jaune: Its not a safe room!

CC: What devilry are you up to in your chamber of secrets!?

Jaune: Im going to the bathroom, im going potty!

CC: twenty seven minutes and fourty three seconds you've been locked away, my mother gave birth to a litter of six in less time!

Jaune: Your timing me!?

CC: Yes, I am timing you, you last just as long in the bedroom with that multi-colored haired tramp!

Jaune: Oh gods just go away please!

CC: Whatever criminal enterprise you're keeping from me and your law breaking layer of myster, I want in! Let me in I could help you!

Jaune: You think im in here laundering money? Cooking crystal? Like Walter White?

CC: No you wouldn't be able to cook anything if it wasnt for the +30 second button on the microwave, what your up to in there is far more sinister!

Jaune: Im just trying to have a peaceful pleasant poop in private, thats it.

CC: Oh you need privacy? That is why the shower is made of glass!

Jaune: Cause thats-its see through, kind of hard to hide.

CC: Their is nothing to hide, you dont have to be ashamed of your freakishly large tail!

Jaune: For the last time. Its not a tail!

CC: I was told the length of one's tail doesn't matter but how you wag it, and now im certain that it was a lie!

Jaune flushes the toilet.

CC: No no no no their you go again flushing the evidence of your treachery.

Jaune: What? There's no evidence i just have to wipe and ill be out!

CC: Yes, wipe your browser history and the memory of the hostages you have in their!

Jaune: I-im not holding anyone captive in here.