Things I Think are Awesome

Me: hey tree boss, I think i found giant hogweed. -sends photo-

Tree boss: yeah thats giant hogweed. Can't tell how big it is. Tell Steve to go stand next to it for scale.

Me: hey Steve, can you stand next to it so we can measure it? Don't touch it though.

Steve: -stands next to it while googling why its dangerous to be too close to giant hogweed-

Me: -snaps photo- 3ish feet.

Quinoa chips are funny and I think it’s more palatable to joke about the quinoa chips I got at the food bank than go into deep personal detail about how much I cried about finally having fucking sandwich bread and canned vegetables in my pantry.

It's rude. You're making someone take their time to read something you couldn't bother to write. You're telling them they were so unimportant you couldn't be bothered to actually take the time to say something yourself. And frankly, you're lying about it while you're at it.

I realise I'm an outlier (custom 20TB network storage server cobbled together with used parts) but I am getting second-hand claustrophobia trying to imagine only having 256GB for my entire digital life

-I dont drink much, I dont smoke

-I moisturize, wear sunscreen

-the hysterectomy reduced my stress by a lot so now there's less cortisol in my everywhere.

-Keanu Reeves bit me once.

-I eat foods with a variety of fats and oils.

-my very active job requires me to hydrate regularly.

-made a pact with the devil once while I was sleepwalking.

-not worrying about wrinkles means I don't get them as much

-theres a painting of me in an attic somewhere thats rapidly aging.

Anyway.

It has been very pleasant out. We had the windows cracked and left them cracked when we went to work. This has never been an issue before.

My darling spouse was working on a job in a small town about a mile from our place. He was getting some stuff from the work van when he sees a large white dog prancing along.

"Huh." He thinks. "That looks an awful lot like.....TYR WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE."

Tyr, delighted that she has Found Father, bounds up happily and gets in the work van to give face kisses.

"GIRL NO WHAT." Kev says, scrambling to go let the client know that he has to take the fucking criminal back home real quick.

Turns out she discovered that a window can be shoved open with a determined snoot, and a window screen is not as strong as 80 pounds of muscular dog. And went for an adventure.

I got a call at this point while I was doing payroll.

"BABE WE NEED TO BABY GATE ALL THE FUCKING WINDOWS." My spouse says.

"....okay??" I say, and then get the story. I swore a bunch.

If anyone is ever training you to replace them in a position and tells you 'its an easy job I don't do much' what this means is that you are about to spend six months to a year catching up on all the stuff they didn't do and sorting out the stuff they did poorly.