You want to know whatās the biggest bullshit ever is having people call you their friend and ask for your help, but when your world feels like itās crumbling down you realize you have no one. You wake up sobbing and wanting to call someone for help and look at all the numbers all the names in your phone and realize none of these people will answer. You make everyone a priority, but the moment you search for a little bit of sympathy back you realize they canāt give it. You realize everyone has their issues and only you are one fucked up enough to feel like their pain is valid but yours will never be. So you learn to cry in silence, you learn to stop the red eyes from appearing after you cry, and you learn to shut the fuck up. Because the moment you voice your issues you hear how itās not a big deal or you get them thrown back at you as jokes. And it should be fine by now but you realize you are soft and weak and broken and canāt have your deepest darkest problems be used against you so you learn to shut the fuck up. Because you look at the people around you and realize none of them can help you. And itās not their job to help you and maybe itās your fault for wanting to rely on someone so bad. And you want to stop talking to them all stop being their for their bullshit, but you stay. Because deep down you would want someone to do that for you so you do what no one will do for you. Maybe itās a way to feel better about yourself or maybe you just donāt want to be the selfish piece of shit you hate. Or maybe you hope that if you keep burning yourself for others they might do it for you too. And you stay in this cycle that you made.
