Flying Solo

If you followed my Year of Singleness, check out the new blog (the Sequal!)

He said I wouldn’t make it. He said I could never do a year of singleness. 

I. Proved. Him. Wrong.

I guess this is the part where I write about everything I learned about myself. Here’s what it boils down to:

1) This year was so much harder than I thought. Not just moving on from a relationship I poured my heart into for several years. There were so many unforeseen challenges with teaching, and getting assaulted, and dealing with the ensuing depression...I remember my dad challenging me to be in “the best physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial place in my life.” Have I achieved that? Maybe not quite, but not because I haven’t fought like hell. Just that I didn’t know what monsters I would have to confront. But taking that into account, I think maybe that I DID meet that goal. And my experiences have given me compassion and strength. 

2) I found a new appreciation for the people I love. This is especially true for my younger sisters. I was never without someone to text if I needed it. I was on my own but never actually alone. I came to rely on my friends and family even more. I started calling my parents every weekend. I let myself break down in front of my close friends. I accepted the support offered to me. That is a beautiful thing. I’ve also realized that the people in my life that I need I will KEEP in my life. No one can tell me to do otherwise.

3) The Great Stories haven’t stopped pouring into my life. New books (Game of Thrones, The Magicians, Rainbow Rowell, American Gods, Saga, Brida), and new shows (Jessica Jones, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Jane the Virign, Noragami, Fate, Brooklyn 99, Bojack Horseman). And of course Hamilton. All the Hamilton. These characters got me through the dark nights and taught me something about myself. The stories never truly end. 

4) It’s ok to wrestle with God. I’ve had so many doubts this year, and He has put up with all of them. I’ve wondered why bad shit happens to good people, how I can be forgiven when I’ve messed everything up, whether He’s actually going to keep His promise about the Jeremiah 29:11 thing. It has been a rough faith year for me. And it’s been so, so important. I’ve found gratitude despite circumstances. I’ve found love when it felt like Heaven was silent. In finding my own power and peace, I’ve realized that God had never left me.

5) I think maybe anytime you undertake a true, blood-sweat-tears challenge, you feel this untouchable sense of accomplishment (I assume this is what marathon runners feel, but I have zero desire to do a marathon in my life, so I can only imagine - seriously people run 26 miles FOR FUN? I don’t drive that far if I don’t have to!). As my friend told me tonight, “You are a force. I hope no one ever think they can tell you that you can’t do something again. They don’t know what they’re in for.” 

This is true. I finally feel like myself. My broken, beautiful, boisterous, believing self. I am not too much. I am not lacking. I am enough. I’ve already found scores of people who believe this about me. And maybe, miraculously, I have found a boy who thinks so too. Maybe all my dreams are right at my fingertips, if I don’t give up. There will be days when I lose, and that’s ok. Because I’m going to keep playing. And you can’t bring me down.

What’s next? An epic road trip cross-country with one of my best friends for one. More books and shows and cosplay and boardgames because I love those things. Maybe a new romance. Definitely more writing.

I’m glad I did this. It was an adventure. Now on to make a new one.

Revelations often come in unlikely ways. Mine came watching my undergrad college perform Legally Blonde: The Musical last weekend beside two people who were becoming Very Important in my life. 

I’ve felt like such a failure at love and life this year. I’ve seriously considered not coming back, and running home where I’m safe and I know who I am. So I had a few feels rising when Elle sings toward the end,

“Back to the sun, back to the shore. Back to who I was before. Lay on the beach, dream within reach don't stray beyond some girls fight hard, some face the trial, some girls were just meant to smile.”

But then of course things get 1000x up-tempo because without meaning to she changed people just by being herself:

“So listen up! I see no end to what you'll achieve That's only if you don't turn and run.” 

I think that’s when I started dancing a little in my seat, but that’s ok because my New Best Friend was too, and New Cute Guy sitting between us smiled just a little, so I knew it was all good. 

Sometimes when I’m alone in my kitchen, I put on Broadway music and dance and sing like I’m in the spotlight. As I listened to that this morning, the failures of the week fell away, and even though I’m as brunette as they come, I rocked it like a Broadway blonde:

“Back in the game!

Back to the trial! But I'm going back in my style. 'Cause it's a fact When you're attacked You've got to respond!” 

See Pittsburgh still had a little magic left for me. I don’t usually listen to this show, but I heard exactly what I needed to hear. Plus now I really do believe I’m going to find my Ireland ;) 

How did you, just in time, light up the dark?

Forgotten hope rekindled in my soul

I stole your attention; you stole my heart

Thus till we next meet, I cannot feel whole.

How can my world change so much in a week?

I became captive when I kidnapped you,

You are the one my wandering thoughts seek.

Demons flee in the face of love so true.

You read my mind; can you feel what I feel?

I have found a treasure and I will fight

To turn these dreams into something that’s real.

Now life is looking Up, we feel so right.

I loved you ere I saw you my bright one,

So if it hasn’t been evident on my Year of Singleness tumblr blog diary thing, I MET A GUY (a week from the end of the year hmmmm). 

His last name is Wool (like “I’ll trade you ore for sheep?” I said brilliantly when I met him - we need to work on our pickup lines...) For the full weekend account, read this post. I wanted to write about one specific coincident that fateful weekend.

He had a bomb-ass tattoo of a ram on his arm and when I asked him about it, he made a joke about his last name (so I didn’t feel too dumb about the Catan thing). But he also said that it was to remind him of the 23rd Psalm, and to humble himself like a sheep so that he could hear his Shepherd’s voice and know that God will provide.

Cute, nerdy, and has a Bible tat?? How is this man still single????

Oh and I also have a 23rd Psalm tattoo - fear no evil. HMMMMMMM

Anyway the next day I went to Mass at a Very Important cathedral to me. And it happened to be “Good Shepherd Sunday” - you know, the service they have once a year where they read the 23rd Psalm and talk about how we should humble ourselves like a sheep to hear our Shepherd’s voice and know that God will provide? Literally a summary of the homily. 

I had a good laugh about this one. My God definitely has a sense of humor. He’s also willing to hit me over the head with his voice if I’m acting like an oblivious sheep.

What if I opened my heart to the love blossoming there instead of trying to isolate it? 

What if this love ran rampant over every part of my life, lighting every crevasse with a contagion of color? 

What if I feared no evil or ending and let blessings rain down like life-giving droplets to wash away my sin?

What if I let you in - 

And we shined out

This is important. 

There’s that line, “will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful?”

Yeah fuck that lol. That’s coming whether I like it or not. Here’s what I worry about..

Will you love me when I’m feeling shitty about myself? When I bust ass all day pouring myself into something that yielded no results because my best was not good enough?

Will you love me when I have doubts about God because everyone was praying for me, but He didn’t help me change anything today?

Will you love me when I come home weighed down by the shit of education and poverty in this country and how we as a society set our black boys up for failure in the school systems?

Will you love me when you know that I cried after 1st period left the classroom, that I yelled at the kids after 3rd period, and that I threw a marker that exploded on the wall after 4th period went to lunch?

Will you love me when I’m crushed by the reality that I have become what I sought to change and when I am convinced that I’m part of the problem?

Will you love me when my room is a mess because folding a few pairs of pants would require more energy than I can muster at the end of the day?

Will you love me when the Irish eyes are crying, when I have no confidence, when I have nothing left to give at the end of the day? 

I know why Dean Winchester doesn’t think about the job in too much depth. It paralyzes him to think that everything he pours his soul into doesn’t matter - or that the actions he thought were right actually make things worse. Make a joke, have a drink, keep driving. Then maybe you can outrun your doubts and darkness.

This is what I meant about not wanting to bring a good guy into this. My friends still love me somehow through all of this. That’s why they’re my best friends. But I can’t encourage someone to think about a serious romantic relationship with me when I can be such a mess. That’s why I hold back. That’s why I sing angsty Hamilton lyrics. That’s why I should keep my feelings in check while I still can. That’s why I have built this wall around my heart - for your safety, not mine.

I realized something disturbing as I typing my New Crush story last night. 

There is something seriously effed up about the way I view myself and relationships. I’m not sure why it’s taken me this whole year of singleness to have this epiphany - it’s funny how you get so used to a certain self-narrative that you begin to believe it’s gospel truth. 

Here is what my internal monologue was doing...

This guy’s the kind of person I should end up with - someone who is not intimidated by shine or nerd obsessions or love of whiskey. Someone who doesn’t feel threatened by my spirit being BIG. Someone who send me puppy / Firefly gifs at the end of a hard day.

But it’s not going to work because I’m not always shining like that. I’ve been fighting depression all year. I’m going to close myself off and he’s going to realize the smiles don’t always last.

Or I’m going to run away to the next mountain and leave him heartbroken. I’ve done that before. I hit a crossroads and panic about commitment. He’s too nice for me to do that to him.

Or I’m going to be too [insert anything here - reckless, sexual, emotional].

It’s best if I don’t entertain notions because I’ve been close to happy endings before and it really hurts when it doesn’t work out. I don’t want to disappoint anyone again when they see how I really am.

SCREECH. Halt. What the fuck. 

The reality, apparently, is that deep down I think I’m a big pile of crap who will never keep true love.

An illustration: one of the friends who introduced us confessed that Cute New Crush told her that hanging out with me felt like Carl and Ellie from the movie Up. And then I cried into my pillow. Because I’ve always wanted that, and I’ve never felt farther from it. That’s been my dream since I saw that movie - someone who would go on adventures with me my whole life. I thought I found that in Chris - hell, I made a fucking Adventure Book for him - but all of those dreams ended in nothing but being erased completely from his life. He’s probably burned the damn thing. I thought Up was ruined for me for good. I thought I was ruined for good. I’m not Ellie anymore, no matter how much I wanted to be. Too much has happened. I don’t shine like that anymore.

Until this past weekend. 

It’s like I forgot to remember that I feel like crap inside. Did this guy actually bring out the best part of me? Why did I feel so comfortable being myself? Was it just being back in Pittsburgh? Or has someone seen a light within that I did not even realize was there anymore?

My best friends see it of course, and tell me regularly. I appreciated it, but I also wrote it off as them being the most Excellent of People. But when someone who didn’t even know me saw something good in me, it made me notice what my loved ones had always seen: my spirit has flickered but not been extinguished. And I am worthy of love.

jI knew Pittsburgh was my place to reunite with old friends, but this past weekend reminded me that sometimes I make new ones too :)

And I spent my weekend in the Burgh crushing on one of said new friends!

Well really I was crushing on him before I met him. We were throwing a surprise going-away party for one of our friends, so we were all hiding out in this guy’s apartment. While we were waiting, conversation with my best lady friends (who had known him for a while):

Me: That’s an impressive book collection.

Them: Oh that’s [boy’s name]’s.

Me: I love that TARDIS decoration.

Them: Yeah that belongs to [boy’s name].

Me: Are those pictures of New Zealand??

Them: [Boy’s name] went there last year.

Me: Ohhh they have one of those bowls that was broken and then sealed back together with gold and it’s such a lovely metaphor for things being more beauty after brokenness. 

Them: [Boy’s Name] made that.

Me: Made? Like by himself?

Them: Made. By himself.

Me: *emoji with heart eyes*

Learning from my disastrous attempts at flirting with the Irish Guy and New Zealand Guy, I made sure to play it cool when he actually showed up. He was quieter than me but generous with his Maker’s Mark (he was a whiskey drinker too yaaaaay!). However, it was kind of a Christian group of people gathered, so I worried I cursed too much, or drank too much - echoes of my ex’s “wrecking ball” accusation still ringing in my head from last summer’s going away party for another friend.

The next day, I tried my regular friends for dinner, but everyone was busy. This was around the time I knew that Chris was somewhere in the same city taking his new girlfriend to dinner (most likely in one of our date places since we’d made the rounds of ALL the restaurants in the 3 years we were together grrrrr). So I randomly texted [boy’s name] to see if he wanted to meet up.

Alas! He had a group project.

So I ordered dinner for myself. We kept messaging (mostly just fandom gifs back and forth), and he was able to get away from the group, so I spontaneously invited him to 1) grab a beer with me before happy hour was over and 2) go with me and another friend to see the performance of Legally Blonde The Musical put on by my alma mater theater group. 

He later said that I kidnapped him. That’s not inaccurate. He put up sitting between my friend and I as we lip-synced / jammed our way through the show. Then he walked back with me to our friends’ house where the squad was hanging out, and I was able to pay him back with Tullamore Dew. THEN we convinced him to go to late night food with us. Woohoo! 

I figured that’s the last I would see of this cute nerd. After all, I had to leave the next afternoon after our friends’ concert. And the whole thing was silly - he was 4 years younger than me, just finishing his undergrad. Yet I still couldn’t help smiling when I saw him sitting with my friends at the choir concert (and being thankful I went with wearing my cute new green dress for the day). Yup, totally crushing.

I’ve felt so disconnected in DC, and I’ve been afraid to even consider getting to know someone in a date-interested way. Honestly, I think he’s probably too good for me in a way - I was in my full-charm-mode this weekend (which felt good, because I haven’t let myself shine like that in a while). But good guys like him deserve girls who have it together. Pittsburgh Me feels beautiful and brilliant and confident. DC Me is no saint - I spend my light on teaching, so I rarely have a lot left to shine for someone else. I’m in the battle and the shit here - I end up being more tired and hardened as a consequence.