Time has fallen asleep in the afternoon sunshine

“Raw milk is better for you as long as you boil it” so true bestie now imagine if we could like. Super boil it. To really get all the bacteria out. And if we could do that quickly and efficiently. Imagine that.

Christ

oh my gosh this got better

jesus why

i need a “where are they now” for these kids bc i think they’re all taking out mortgages and life insurance policies by now

why does my mother suddenly fail kindergarten whenever she tries to do anything on the computer

I know she doesn't know what "the maximise button" is so I told her "click the square at the top right" and she clicked...the printer icon...in the middle of the toolbar. and I'm just like okay. this isn't a technology thing you are flunking basic shapes and directions. I'm turning off your computer and getting you a block puzzle. you have a master's degree

despite what popular opinion may lead you to believe, some rocks actually do have scientifically-proven auras! Unfortunately, those rocks are uranium and the aura is cancer. 

Though rock auras are rare, rock magic is common. The most common form of rock magic is Concussion.

SHE THINKS HER LAUGH IS A SONG SO SHE SINGS BACK

Truly animals are some of the most numerous creatures of earth

Count em

1

Nothing wrong with me

dear teacher sory i did not do your assignment.unfortu nately i have Died FOREVER!!!!!!! ok i will see u tmrw

dosing myself up with a fuckton of muscle relaxants before a first date and just limply and pathetically flopping around on the floor until they feel an instinctual pity and care for me like a sickly baby bird

I really would like this to work out for you

the fact that none of the night at the museum movies were rated over 50% by critics is a reminder that some ppl don’t know how to have fun. the first two movies were flawless. a night watch guard has to babysit museum displays that come to life, complete w old school villains and endless historical crossovers? incredible concept, incredible execution

spy kids has a 93% i don't think Critics Hate Fun is quite what's going on here