Got back on this hellsite to scream into the void. And then I didn’t. I did just scroll all the way back to my first favorite. I didn’t look at everything, but I saw all of my mutuals from college and the ones I found from High School. It was weird but comforting to see their photos and read their posts. I’m dreadful about actually/actively keeping up with people. Some of them I know have just left social media because of the times and such. Some of them I’ve probably unfriended or unfollowed because the reality is we don’t know each other anymore. And that is a little sad. But what’s nice is that they will always be with me. I am made up of little parts of them, and all my friends over the years and seeming lifetimes I have had. Similarly, but not quite as moving, were all the mutuals and people that I followed for a long time, whose handles have been etched in my brain as if they were close friends. I could not tell you their real names or why I followed them. But I love them. And it was so good to read their urls again.
I also haven’t changed much in my interests. Vintage homes. Cute dogs. Quality memes. Vintage dresses have taken a backseat, but I still love them. And cute men. I had a very kind of twink focused taste circa 2011-2016…and yeah twinks are still nice, but my scope has widened and luckily my age range had raised with me. However there is something about that emo hair swoop that still puts my stomach in a twist.
I’m probably gonna delete this app again tonight because I’m fairly certain it drains my battery. So I suppose I should do the void screaming I intended to do. (Which I could honestly do on my spicy blue sky…but idk. It feels off brand for the stuff I follow.)
I just want to be kissed. And sure I could get on the apps and find a hookup who would be willing to make out with me for a second before we fuck, but like…I want to be kissed in the fleeting way of a thousand kisses. I want to be kissed in the habitual form of hello and goodbye. Not without passion or desire but without the rush of lust. A look. A hold. A peck. A smile. The kiss of years of pulling away and knowing every inch of their face, and how it crinkles when they smile. And noticing the deepening lines that show just how long we’ve been here in this way. Comfortable. Close. In love. In like. In peace.
