Tell you what you wanna hear!
ship: depressed!reader x azul ashengrotto
tags: mentions of suicide, mentions of SH with a sharp object, suicidal thoughts, reader has low self esteem, reader feels burnt out, Azul is already reader’s s/o, reader’s mother is neglectful, honestly just self indulgent (there might be missed tags)
synopsis: home life wasn’t great for you, but you tried your best. Until you snapped after the exhaustion and burnout caught up to you.
authors note: im not doing so well and honestly im exhausted. please just scroll if this fic isn’t for you, your mental health matters.
The dreaded final report card day was here. You were sitting in professor crewel’s class with Ace and Deuce rambling on about how they definitely scored higher than the other while grim taunts fueled the competitive fire.
You sat in your regular corner, headphones still in, half asleep. “Attention pups!” Crewel held a stack of report cards in one arm as he started to pass them out one by one.
You glanced down at your report card, As all across the board and an excellent for your behaviour in classes. Not that it wasn’t expected.
You had failed your language exam and gotten a D.
In your defence, the language had made absolutely no sense and you could barely make out what the questions were asking of you.
It’s okay though, right? There’s always next time.
After all, you’d slaved away at your desk for months up to the exams. Maybe your mother would notice this time, maybe treat you to some ice cream for doing such a good job. Maybe she’d forgive the grade.
“Ehh?! Reader scored all As!”
“Seriously?! That’s awesome!”
“Thanks guys, I failed the language test tho-“
Ace and Deuce just shrugged and rolled their eyes, reasoning that not many schools needed a high grade in languages to get in anyways. Just pass next time!
Their words had actually managed to light a flicker of hope in your chest, that there would really be a next time, that your work was not in vain.
You couldn’t be more wrong.
Your mother had returned home and paid you no mind as usual, immediately heading to her desk to finish off some work from her office.
“…mom?” You called out to your mother as she tilted her head to face you slightly. “Report cards came back-“ Handing her yours, she took one look and immediately caught sight of your “D”.
“I…I failed languages. B-but I’ll try harder next time! I managed to get As in everything else!”
“…you’re so damn lazy. You need to consistently study in order to get good grades. You need to put in more effort.”
You could feel your heart absolutely shatter. You’d spend your weekends slaving away at the table, doing question after question. You had desperately tried to ignore the burnout catching up to you, dismissing it as “worth it” when your mother would finally be proud of you.
“Then you need to try harder.”
“My other subjects were all As! You just completely ignored them-“
“My mother didn’t praise me growing up. I even had to pay school tuition myself.”
“Fine. Then just ignore me.”
“Are you going to pay school tuition yourself? I still have to-“
You didn’t hear the rest as you ran out of your house. How could you be so naive? To think that your mother would overlook a “D” on your report card? Ha.
Perhaps you’re just a narcissist, a foolish, insignificant, idiotic narcissist. Your own mother didn’t receive parental affection so why would you? Why would you expect to be raised with that same affection?
The months of burnout, anxiety and depression finally came crashing down on you as you collapsed next to a wall outside your house. You could feel the cold breeze hit your warm face as tears wet your cheeks and your body convulsed from your gasps and sobs.
You just wanted to grab a knife and watch as it sliced so cleanly through your skin. Maybe even finally go the extra mile so that the blood would seep out uncontrollably and leave you permanently unconscious.
Just then your phone buzzed. Once. Then twice. Then it kept ringing and ringing.
Azul: “how’d mid terms go?”
Azul: “do you wanna go over questions together dear?”
You picked up on the second ring.
“Azul… I can’t do this anymore. I just want to disappear…”
“…I’ll be there in 15 minutes.”
The moment Azul heard the shake in your voice he was up and out the door.
He’d known about your family life, self worth issues, suicidal thoughts, all of it.
Hell, it was the reason he was so intrigued about you.
Your family was by no means poor or living poorly in any way so your depressive personality only drew him in closer.
When he first started courting you, he’d constantly reassure that you were enough. After all he’d had the exact same self image issues as you do.
He would spend nights just sitting next to you as you stared blankly at the window, feeling helpless as anything he tried just seemed to warrant more tears or exhausted sighs from you.
Some days you would just sit at a table in the mostro lounge and stare out at the aquarium silently. Completely ignoring Azul’s attempts to cheer you up with food.
Hell you wouldn’t even eat his cooking anymore. Azul tried all types of recipes and not a single one was touched as the food ran stale on the table.
You had started recovering surprisingly fast when you guys became official and his heart just absolutely melted when he saw you break out of your shell into a more colourful, bubbly you.
But with exams close he’d already notice your withdrawals, the exhaustion creeping back, and now his worst fears were confirmed. You had almost taken your life again.
His heart dropped to the floor as he spotted you outside your house, looking exhausted and defeated.
Wrapping his jacket over your shoulders he held you in his arms as you started to sob again from the scent of faint seawater and fabric softener on him that you had once known as comfort.
Great sevens have mercy, he felt absolutely pathetic just watching you cry. He couldn’t even offer you any support, couldn’t even help you get better.
“I want to tell you so badly it will be ok, that it’ll all work out. But I can’t, my pearl. I can’t offer a world that doesn’t to you. So I can only beg, beg for you to stay here where I can still hold you. To feel the warmth of your skin. I love you to a point where it’s filthy and ugly, but these grotesque feelings are the only thing I can offer you. To me, you are more than enough. I just need you to be next to me, breathing. That’s all I ask of.”
This is pretty much a vent sorry guys i basically just massacred the fic with my feelings
