Casuals
Before you read this one please know that this is a dense piece of writing. The terms and concepts that follow may make this post challenging for the beginner in solo-polyamory or kink. I have done my best to define as I go, but if you have any questions, as always, please feel free to reach out.
The opinions reflected here are mine alone, and are in no way representative of the fetish or poly communities at large.
I met a person on the internet once. In a land of empty profiles and people who claim to lack understanding for what they are searching for, he was hunting for people like himself, sick fucks only. I admit that when I read this criterion I was intimidated. I had my doubts as to whether I would fit the bill, but his specifications called out into the dark and pulled at the hungry parts of me, so I swiped right. When I had updated my Tinder profile only days before, I had something specific in mind. Earlier in the year, I had had my first taste of submission from the right side of the slash (Dominant/submissive, D/s). Something new and heavy had poured out of me and it was everything I could to boil it all down to one word: devotion. At that time, I had been getting to know someone who identified as a Dominant, but once this new feeling had a name a fetish dynamic started to develop at warp speed. I felt as if I had little control over how quickly things were falling into place for me; unfortunately, the opposite was true for my Dom. We stepped away from one another as Dom and sub and agreed to come back together in a way that fit for us both. The dynamic came to an end only six weeks after it had begun. I felt like I had hardly scratched the surface of what devotion and submission were when there was suddenly no longer a container for its exploration. I have to admit that rearranging my feelings for this now close friend was one of the more complicated relationship transitions I have gone through. Not only did I need to grieve the loss of the romantic potential, but also needed to untangle my submissive self, half formed and heartbroken. Since then, we have successfully come back together on equal footing, but I have been left with a sense of devotional homelessness. I wanted that container back, and so this is what I had set out to find.
While I had been both proud and excited to discover my own ways to practice kink, this exploration had come with the realization that I was indeed, and once again, an outlier. First, I had discovered I top from little space. While this alone was enough to make most kinksterâs heads spin, it was not where my framework ended. A large piece of my puzzle lay in the fact that while I was indeed a Top and a Dominant, I was also a submissive. I was not a switch as I did not go back and forth between the two sides of slash. Rather, I existed on both sides at the same time. I had multiple bottoms and one collared submissive, but I was also seeking a Dominant to submit to; a pyramid of sorts where I could conduct myself as a Top/Dom in service to someone who could get down with what I had to offer as the L/little P/prince (my honorific for both my D and s identities). Trying to find someone who not only understood but also fit into this type of dynamic was more difficult than I had hoped. The pandemic had put a stop to all in-person opportunities to meet people, so I decided to try my hand at dating aps and almost immediately stumbled upon a dark heart with potential; a sick fuck, as it were.
Forming bonds with people through a screen comes with a unique set of challenges. I was attempting to fill in the blanks of how this person might feel to be with in real life without taking liberties around who they actually were, and with the added challenge of them living over four hours away in a completely different country. It helped that he was also practicing solo-polyamory and appeared to resonate with many of the same hard limits and fundamental core beliefs as I did, but it did bid the question: how does one remain solo while connecting in a kink forward manner that is dynamic adjacent and long distance? The more time I spent getting to know this person, the more I wanted to share private space with them and see what might develop. I hypothesized that all negotiations would probably have to come through three different filters: boundaries, emotional capacity, and physical separation. Then there would need to be redistribution of responsibilities, protocols, and effort between the Dom and the sub to restore a sense of balance. I recognized the potential, but it would have to look very different than what I originally had in mind when I started looking for a Dom. So, I did the thing I always do when things are so complicated they make my head spin; I made a diagram. Once it was finished, I sat back to take it in visually and as I did two things become clear. Not only was this uncharted for me, and complex, but it was also possible.
I remember learning about relationship dynamics at a poly 101 meeting. The topic was âTriangulationâ, and the meeting was being co-hosted by Mel Mariposa of Radical Relating. Mel explained that to understand where complications are occurring in any dynamic, we must first understand how many dynamics exist between the people involved. Only then can we locate the relationship where the conflict is originating and attempt to find solutions. If we are capable to forming multiple dynamics between two people when relating in vanilla space, then we must be capable of doing the same in kink space. A person who identifies as submissive will often search out a Dominant to co-create experiences with. D/s dynamics are commonly seen in the kink world and are an excellent example of how we can create separate spaces for different types of interaction; however, successful ones can be hard to find. One reason for this is because they come with a large amount of commitment and responsibility to ensure the safety of both people involved. With this kind of emotional load, I have frequently wondered how a person remains polyamorous if they are putting the work into a building a healthy D/s dynamic, and what that might look like. Hierarchy? In the before times, when I had been kneeling into devoted submission with my previous Dom, I had felt the magnitude of what was needed from me for our kink connection to be healthy. I had been bleeding poetry and creative writing just to help me process all the new and overwhelming things I was experiencing and was still struggling to keep up with myself. I finally ended up asking my other romantic connections if we could widen our orbit to allow me a little more space. I needed it to hold myself together. Although that was not necessary for long, I wonder what my polycule would have ended up looking like structurally if that dynamic hadnât ended so abruptly.
My trans-oceanic Dom had been very clear that he was actively practicing casual relationships only. For this to work my submission needed to be structured in a way that allowed that boundary to remain intact. Normally casual relating is a no brainer for me when it comes to dating or play connections, but my homeless devotion was longing for something with complexity and depth. I wondered if it was possible to separate my feelings of devotion by rearranging its placement in the chain of command. Could I allow myself to become devoted to my experience of submission rather than to my Dominant himself? If I was not offering my devotion directly to my Dominant, then could a casual D/s dynamic still be an outlet for its expression while maintaining boundaries around autonomy? Brave questions. Given that this person was interested in my nuanced way of practicing kink, and all the other ways in which we aligned philosophically and fundamentally around polyamory, I decided to accept the challenge.
The kink container is a magical place. There are no rules that dictate how things need to be structured. Generally, in a formal setting, the Dominant helps to hold the weight of the submissiveâs devotion while the submissive puts that devotion into practice by caring for their Dominant. In this way the emotional load is shared. In a casual dynamic, the emotional load would arguably be higher for both participants. Along with the complexities that exist naturally when engaging in power exchange, intentionally remaining casual would add an extra layer of need for heavy communication and resilience. The hope would be to ensure boundaries are being upheld while still allowing for intense levels of vulnerability to be experienced. As a casual sub, I would be the one holding my devotion and delineating where the appropriate expressions of that emotion belong. I would need to take my devotion and offer it to the relationship that exists between it and the scene space that my Dominant and I were co-creating. In theory, this could offer a home to my devotion without placing its weight directly in the hands of the person facilitating my submissive experience. My Dominant would still partake in the delicious meal of my submission, as would I, but the devotion would be mine alone and expressed solely through what I decided to bring to our fetish interactions. My casual Dominant would then need to hold their boundaries around autonomy while still allowing for the flexibility necessary to receive the submission being offered. I am certain that for some people this would feel natural but I struggled with the idea of a casual D/s dynamic, which is interesting when you consider my vanilla framework for relating to people and my overall distaste for hierarchy. I was officially a walking contradiction.
I suppose in its own way, fetish has been the ultimate solo-poly playground for my insatiable relationship appetite. The forever shifting landscape of customizable rules and intentional decisions has found me starving; I cannot seem get enough. Just when I think I have something figured out there is a new intersection to explore, dissect, make diagrams of, and follow to the next opportunity for growth. No matter how this intercontinental exchange was to play out I was excited to see what came next.
And I was grateful for the contingency either way.














