#ethicalrelating

How does one maintain solo intentions while navigating . . . Here I want to say NRE, but the use of the word ‘relationship’ in this acronym seems to contradict the question, while also precisely reflecting the question itself. A paradox.

I have done years of work and gone through many heartbreaks to get to where I am today. I have dissected my upbringing: the ways society portrays and dictates how I should look and how I should act, and the assumptions I had that I would grow up, get married, have kids, and die happy (and old) in my bed beside my long-term monogamous partner. I have scaled that rocky tundra and fallen down many times doing it. I have the scars to prove it. 

I have taken a few workshops in the last couple years and they have been life changing (stay tuned for links to my favorite facilitator at the end of this post). I have learned about loving partners through trauma response, triangulation, and how to step out of victimizing myself. I have also calculated my “north star” which has always read something like, “because this is better than the alternative.” Reading it now, I can see how dismal that sounds. 

I was married monogamously for 4 years and when that relationship ended I promised myself I would not allow that to happen again. When my spouse left I was an empty shell. I felt so far from myself I forgot I was in here somewhere. I met someone soon after and could feel myself coming back to life. It felt like I had been asleep and didn’t know, and this new person was waking me up. I fell in love very quickly and was determined that this time I was going to do it right. This new person and I slowly and intentionally built ourselves a primary partnership structured around transparency and trust, but we were so caught up in falling in love that we were not actively seeking other connections. It’s all well and good to intend to be poly, but all the talking in the world cannot provide the same experience as actively practicing. After eighteen months of talking about it I began to feel empty again. I could feel myself pulling away from my partner’s loving physical touch and was falling into a prolonged state of frustration. I am thankful we were scheduling regular check-ins as it gave me the dedicated space to work to the bottom of my behavior in real time. As we worked together to unpack my resistance, I realized monogamy was the culprit. Although we were not labelling ourselves that way, the situation so closely mimicked those patterns that I had fallen into a near comatose state; resentment was building and the robot was driving the vessel. 

This would have been an excellent time to access a counsellor.

I have heard many people say recently that polyamory is becoming more common these days, and I would be inclined to agree. Poly is quickly becoming the chicken dinner option at the steak house, but I can’t help wondering if hierarchies have become the new monogamy for me. I know that I have done well in challenging the monogamous messaging we are all steeped in, but what about hierarchies? There really is no ‘how to’ on allowing love to grow in intimate and authentic ways without falling into prioritization of those connections. How does one solo and fall in love?

Last night I had a check-in with a person I have been growing along side of, during which I shared my excitement around two new connections I have made. He asked me if the new feelings I was exploring left room for me to truly stand alone and operate as a solo individual. I had a hell of a time answering that question. Conceptually, this way of existing and relating makes sense to me, but as soon as I look directly at it I lose it, and begin to feel uncertain. 

Solo poly is like seeing the andromeda galaxy in your peripheral vision. The way the rods and cones are arranged at the back of your eye make it physically impossible to view this wonder of the universe while looking directly at it, so you must look directly ahead and use your peripheral awareness to see its splendor. I feel this is an excellent way to approach viewing solo poly and the connections we explore through this framework. Take your hands up in front of your face and turn your palms toward one another. Interlace your fingers. This is what hierarchy looks like to me. Our lives are entangled, enmeshed, have become one. Now unlace your fingers. Flatten your palms, and turn them towards one another, but do not allow them to touch. This is what solo poly looks like to me. There is freedom for both hands to wave at one another individually, in opposite time, or in sync. There is also allowance for more or less space between them without the need to disassemble. Now, come back to andromeda with me. Let’s say my left hand is me, and the right hand is a romantic connection. In order to truly understand how solo poly works we apply the andromeda principle to the right hand. My left hand is my life. My child, my pets, my career. My self-love, my self-compassion, my healing. When I look at my life directly and place my attention there, I can see the love that surrounds me in my peripheral vision. I focus on my left hand because if I look directly at the right hand instead, the connection to that person disappears. In fact, when I focus solely on other people my connection to myself disappears as well. It is only when I focus on my left hand that I can actually see how I want my life to look. By focusing on myself I am creating space for those I love to show up authentically in whatever way they have the capacity to. My connections remain in my peripheral awareness and have the freedom to dance and play, while my life remains intact. This. Is how I solo poly. 

I know that as I allow love to grow I will come across new challenges that will blow my mind wide open. I look forward to seeing where my life takes me in the coming years, and welcome the opportunity to allow loving connections to run along beside me until they find curiosity pulling them in another direction. I am already thankful for these people, some of whom I do not yet know. 

I think it is time for a new north star. If I recalculate my trajectory, and ask myself, “why am I practicing solo poly?” the answer reads something like this:

“By prioritizing myself, I am loving myself, and when I allow loving connections to grow in this way I am enriching my life without sacrifice.”

By allowing romantic relating to remain in the periphery, I am gaining a new understanding of how to love authentically while learning to confidently stand on my own.

For now, I want to say thank you to the people I love. To every single person who’s life is happening next to mine, in whatever way we are relating. 

Thank you for loving me back.

Resources:

I cannot say enough about Radical Relating. Mel Mariposa’s workshops provide gentle guidance and education around compassionate, fearless relating, and I would not have gotten to where I am with out them. They offer many services, including relationship coaching that comes from a combination of professional training and real life poly experience. They are gender and trauma informed, and this comes through in the safer spaces they create for people to learn and grow.  

To access some of my favorite workshops, visit:

http://radicalrelationshipcoaching.ca/

And, as always, I would like to direct link you to the Multiamory website for access to hundreds of podcasts on polyamory and ethical non-monogamy. This podcast has always been there for me while I have been struggling. They have also taken the time to transcribe their podcasts. They have included a search tool so that you can type in key words and any podcast they have done that mentions that word will come up in the search results. Check them out here: 

TW: Sexually explicit language, kink content

Recently Multiamory did an episode on the difference between NRE and limerence. I was so impressed with their explanation and all of the discussion and examples they gave. This entry is a continuation of my thoughts on that episode. If you are reading this and run into moments where you do not quite understand what I am talking about, hop over to whatever ap you use to listen to your podcast content and listen to: “Multiamory: 320 - Limerence and NRE: The Dark and Light Sides of the Force.”

Or, listen here:

https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/320-limerence-and-nre-the-dark-and-light-sides-of-the-force

 I recently met a human whom I had already met. I remember meeting them because I had been aware of their existence long before our first formal introduction. I am not the type of person to straight crush on a stranger. Normally if I feel compelled to introduce myself to someone I will. But this was different. It has always felt awkward and obvious; my skin burns bright red and hot, and incoherent sentences fall out of my mouth. My friends think it’s hilarious.

The first time I actually met this beautiful human was on a dance floor. I nervously introduced myself. As we chatted we both looked down at the same time and knocked heads. Great first impression. Over the last couple of years we have also shared space in a professional capacity. These events have landed us in close quarters and interacting a fair amount, and to be honest have left me feeling a little high. Apparently, limerence will do that. 

Recently we were present at the same wedding. I had spent the entire day in close quarters with this beautiful human, and for the first time that hormonal response seemed to melt away. We even shared conversation with another mutual friend later in the evening. I shared photos of myself from my fetlife account, tied and exposed, and felt completely comfortable doing so. Eventually, they prepared to leave for the night and on their way past me they crouched down and a hushed conversation was had. They explained that they were also polyamorous, cohabiting with a primary partner, and asked me if I wanted to get to know one another. I couldn’t help but laugh at myself as we exchanged numbers. Later that night, alone in my hotel room, I tied myself up and sent them a photo.

Since that evening I have been caught in what appears to be a game of cat and mouse. After a week of conversing and heavy flirtation they told me they had decided not to open up their relationship. We agreed to take sex and romance off the table and remain friends. Despite this agreement the flirtations have continued, leaving me feeling hooked on the maybes and what-ifs. According to the folx at Multiamory, this situation is flirting with the “darker side of the force,” and I am inclined to agree. I have been letting it steep at the back of my brain stove with intentions to think more about it . . . later. 

Last week I was out for lunch with a romantic connection where I witnessed an interaction between them and a person I did not know. The interaction very closely paralleled my limerent interactions with the beautiful human. In fact, what I witnessed was so similar that it left me feeling exposed and deeply uncomfortable. This stranger was openly flirting and pulling at my dates attention, and it was explained to me that my date had been crushing on this stranger for quite some time but this person had been explicit that they were only open to monogamy. As we proceeded to eat our lunch, the stranger started sending text messages to my date from across the restaurant. The first text was inquiring if the two of us were romantic or just friends. Once it was confirmed that we were romantically relating the next message that came read, “well stop messaging your crush then.” My discomfort immediately manifested as concern for the person sitting across from me. I gently inquired about the relationship that was spawning these interactions I was seeing, but was careful not to express my opinions about the motivations of the stranger involved. How easy it is to see things from the outside looking in.

The last thought I have on this topic comes from a tender place. The limerence podcast has left me pondering whether limerence may be partially responsible for the rumination that follows a break up. When my last primary partnership ended, we were left with messy ties to one another through my child. We had spent over two years building a family unit and when we broke up it was because of a fundamental incompatibility, not because we didn’t love one another. The uncertainty of how exactly to end our primary connection while maintaining the family connection left me in a state. I was constantly holding onto the hope that they would change their mind again and come home to us. The mismatch between the words being spoken and the ease at which we fit back together every time we were in each other’s company was confusing to say the least. When I examine this constant state of back and forth, the confusion I felt has obvious similarities to the how limerence leaves one standing on uncertainty about what is really happening on the other side of the fence.

The main difference for me when it comes to these two manic states of relating is this: New relationship energy comes with confirmation and is usually reciprocated, while limerence is a constant state of maybe. Limerence may even give a person power and opportunity for manipulation. They may appear interested, but in reality they may not be feeling the same type of attraction, may have no interest in rekindling the relationship, or in some more extreme cases, may be attention seeking or looking to cause harm. If I was able to stand outside of my limerent situations, would I feel the same way I feel about the interaction in the restaurant? It’s scary to think that the answer might be yes. So here I stand, with mixed feelings about how to proceed. Will I walk away from my limerent situations? Most likely not. Will you walk away from yours? Who knows.