Andromeda
How does one maintain solo intentions while navigating . . . Here I want to say NRE, but the use of the word ârelationshipâ in this acronym seems to contradict the question, while also precisely reflecting the question itself. A paradox.
I have done years of work and gone through many heartbreaks to get to where I am today. I have dissected my upbringing: the ways society portrays and dictates how I should look and how I should act, and the assumptions I had that I would grow up, get married, have kids, and die happy (and old) in my bed beside my long-term monogamous partner. I have scaled that rocky tundra and fallen down many times doing it. I have the scars to prove it.Â
I have taken a few workshops in the last couple years and they have been life changing (stay tuned for links to my favorite facilitator at the end of this post). I have learned about loving partners through trauma response, triangulation, and how to step out of victimizing myself. I have also calculated my ânorth starâ which has always read something like, âbecause this is better than the alternative.â Reading it now, I can see how dismal that sounds.Â
I was married monogamously for 4 years and when that relationship ended I promised myself I would not allow that to happen again. When my spouse left I was an empty shell. I felt so far from myself I forgot I was in here somewhere. I met someone soon after and could feel myself coming back to life. It felt like I had been asleep and didnât know, and this new person was waking me up. I fell in love very quickly and was determined that this time I was going to do it right. This new person and I slowly and intentionally built ourselves a primary partnership structured around transparency and trust, but we were so caught up in falling in love that we were not actively seeking other connections. Itâs all well and good to intend to be poly, but all the talking in the world cannot provide the same experience as actively practicing. After eighteen months of talking about it I began to feel empty again. I could feel myself pulling away from my partnerâs loving physical touch and was falling into a prolonged state of frustration. I am thankful we were scheduling regular check-ins as it gave me the dedicated space to work to the bottom of my behavior in real time. As we worked together to unpack my resistance, I realized monogamy was the culprit. Although we were not labelling ourselves that way, the situation so closely mimicked those patterns that I had fallen into a near comatose state; resentment was building and the robot was driving the vessel.Â
This would have been an excellent time to access a counsellor.
I have heard many people say recently that polyamory is becoming more common these days, and I would be inclined to agree. Poly is quickly becoming the chicken dinner option at the steak house, but I canât help wondering if hierarchies have become the new monogamy for me. I know that I have done well in challenging the monogamous messaging we are all steeped in, but what about hierarchies? There really is no âhow toâ on allowing love to grow in intimate and authentic ways without falling into prioritization of those connections. How does one solo and fall in love?
Last night I had a check-in with a person I have been growing along side of, during which I shared my excitement around two new connections I have made. He asked me if the new feelings I was exploring left room for me to truly stand alone and operate as a solo individual. I had a hell of a time answering that question. Conceptually, this way of existing and relating makes sense to me, but as soon as I look directly at it I lose it, and begin to feel uncertain.Â
Solo poly is like seeing the andromeda galaxy in your peripheral vision. The way the rods and cones are arranged at the back of your eye make it physically impossible to view this wonder of the universe while looking directly at it, so you must look directly ahead and use your peripheral awareness to see its splendor. I feel this is an excellent way to approach viewing solo poly and the connections we explore through this framework. Take your hands up in front of your face and turn your palms toward one another. Interlace your fingers. This is what hierarchy looks like to me. Our lives are entangled, enmeshed, have become one. Now unlace your fingers. Flatten your palms, and turn them towards one another, but do not allow them to touch. This is what solo poly looks like to me. There is freedom for both hands to wave at one another individually, in opposite time, or in sync. There is also allowance for more or less space between them without the need to disassemble. Now, come back to andromeda with me. Letâs say my left hand is me, and the right hand is a romantic connection. In order to truly understand how solo poly works we apply the andromeda principle to the right hand. My left hand is my life. My child, my pets, my career. My self-love, my self-compassion, my healing. When I look at my life directly and place my attention there, I can see the love that surrounds me in my peripheral vision. I focus on my left hand because if I look directly at the right hand instead, the connection to that person disappears. In fact, when I focus solely on other people my connection to myself disappears as well. It is only when I focus on my left hand that I can actually see how I want my life to look. By focusing on myself I am creating space for those I love to show up authentically in whatever way they have the capacity to. My connections remain in my peripheral awareness and have the freedom to dance and play, while my life remains intact. This. Is how I solo poly.Â
I know that as I allow love to grow I will come across new challenges that will blow my mind wide open. I look forward to seeing where my life takes me in the coming years, and welcome the opportunity to allow loving connections to run along beside me until they find curiosity pulling them in another direction. I am already thankful for these people, some of whom I do not yet know.Â
I think it is time for a new north star. If I recalculate my trajectory, and ask myself, âwhy am I practicing solo poly?â the answer reads something like this:
âBy prioritizing myself, I am loving myself, and when I allow loving connections to grow in this way I am enriching my life without sacrifice.â
By allowing romantic relating to remain in the periphery, I am gaining a new understanding of how to love authentically while learning to confidently stand on my own.
For now, I want to say thank you to the people I love. To every single person whoâs life is happening next to mine, in whatever way we are relating.Â
Thank you for loving me back.
Resources:
I cannot say enough about Radical Relating. Mel Mariposaâs workshops provide gentle guidance and education around compassionate, fearless relating, and I would not have gotten to where I am with out them. They offer many services, including relationship coaching that comes from a combination of professional training and real life poly experience. They are gender and trauma informed, and this comes through in the safer spaces they create for people to learn and grow. Â
To access some of my favorite workshops, visit:
http://radicalrelationshipcoaching.ca/
And, as always, I would like to direct link you to the Multiamory website for access to hundreds of podcasts on polyamory and ethical non-monogamy. This podcast has always been there for me while I have been struggling. They have also taken the time to transcribe their podcasts. They have included a search tool so that you can type in key words and any podcast they have done that mentions that word will come up in the search results. Check them out here:Â
https://www.multiamory.com/podcast













