The Ramblings of a Coward

Im going to claw my way out the grave that was originally built for someone else.

i want to go home

Why do older siblings feel the need to comment on your life after they left? Like bro tf? Last time I checked, you weren't there when I cried so hard my face bruised. You weren't there when I screamed for help so hard my voice was different the next day. You were not there when I was hurt. You do not get to judge me like I'm at the same point of life as you. Theres not a single aspect of my life that's easy enough for you to ask why its not better. My room isn't clean but god damn it at least I can see the floor consistently. I'm proud of myself so you don't have to be.

Fake it till you make it until you can't break it ig. Can't even ask for help from my teachers because I'll say "I really need a break" with a big ass smile on my face. No wonder they don't believe me, I look like the shittiest liar ever. I just want a break man, I wish I had more control over presenting how I feel.

So I have bpd. Its something I've been sure of for a while now. Abandonment issues, splitting, unstable self image. Not just hormones but straight black and white thinking stemming from childhood trauma. The other day my boyfriend said something to me that I can't forget. Long story short, we had a spat because I was anxious because of a *slightly* tense moment. After a lot of conversations, he pointed out "I don't understand why its hard for you to believe in us in moments of tension." I can't stop thinking about it. Why? Why is it hard? Hes proved time and time again he won't leave. I'm not pushing him to, but I just... KNOW he won't. How? Why? Why is this different? Why does it scare me? Why do I feel comfort in the fear of him leaving? Why did I WANT to be scared? It's really different this time. Not just him. But me. I'm different. In a good way.

"The apple never falls far from the tree" no, Frick off, what matters is where the apple falls to. And my apple fell on a smooth rock that bounced it into a very nice garden with another very sweet apple.

So im in finance class rn, im pretty dumb but I had a thought, what if I invested in the stock market of places I didn't morally agree with and just used half my profits to just... support what they're against? Tf they gonna do, sell MY share?

I think it's really funny that nobody interacts with my posts bc as far as *I* know, nobody has seen 'em which means I could be posting the most random shit and nobody will know or care. What if I just replace all my c's with k's? Admit to a crime I did not commit? Confess my undying love for potatoes? What if I pretend *I'M* the potato? Will someone love my potatoness? Free will is weird.

Hi yeah, quick question how the fickleberry does this app work? I'm new, I've js been posting bullshit

Emotions are stupid. You feel them too much and then get numbed out so you feel nothing but then the nothing is a something so you start feeling everything.