✷ 𝚜𝚘𝚏𝚝-𝚜𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚑𝚘 ✷

hello to the fat side of tumblr! it's mag here 👋🏽

reminder that this is an nsfw feedism blog that prioritises consent + communication ⚠️ (what I share here and who I interact with only apply to those who share + consent to the same k!nks)

messages + asks are open 💬 (be nice and respectful if you'd actually like a response)

DNI: MINORS, CISHET MEN, TERFS, SWERFS, RACISTS, ZIONISTS, ETC. ❌ (cishet men - you're welcome in my messages, only for non-sexual chat)

I will not respond to ageless and blank blogs 🫥 (I implore you to work on that internalised fatphobia of yours)

usually slow with responding to messages, but I love talking to y'all ⏳ (and maybe don’t just say hello if you want a response)

DO NOT steal/repost my photos (rbs only) 📷

if you’re ever feeling generous and would like to help me stay (or get) fatter, here’s my kofi 💕

TAGS 🏷️: #asks, #spicy-sappho for horny posting, #thoughts for everything else (usually fat lib, social justice or life stuff)

open up below for - about me, feedism specifics, and fat liberation resources

everyone please tell my girlfriend @doughyfatfox she needs to get wayyyyy fatter ^_^ <3

so i've been in a feedist relationship and broadly exploring feedism for almost a year now; with it being so central to my sexuality and identity i can very definitively say that it has been one of the best things to have happened 🥹. after witnessing how others in the community see fatness, how my partner sees my and their own body, the language and the gaze we give to these experiences to express our love for softness and fatness has genuinely shown me how disingenuous and weak (but also simultaneously deeply ingrained) my internalised fatphobia is. I'm returning to and reclaiming my child self when i first showed signs of being into this kink, before all the societal conditioning, and realising how inherent and pure my love for fatness is. before all of this i had that typical 'oh good for you but i can't imagine this being me and being happy with it' when i saw fat people being happy in their bodies, when as a child i saw fat(ter) people and melted in admiration, wishing I was this soft and happy. sometimes i still need to pinch myself that that is exactly how i relate to fatness now!

my point being that i've finally been given the language/perspective/gaze (damnit there is an encompassing term for this but my brain's not finding it! framework?) that aligns the closest to my authentic self, and that has been so life-altering and surreal after not having that for most of my life.

and all of this came up because i've been feeling a little funny over the loss of my grandma. it only just happened a couple of days ago, and I haven't really felt and experienced grief in a traditional sense. a good chunk of it's because she has had dementia for over a decade, so I feel like I've already long processed losing her. this just feels like the inevitable and best-case-scenario for her given her quality of life. but something still doesn't feel right. I'd say distance does help - when you're thousands of miles away and can't afford a flight home just to attend her funeral you can pretend like it never happened, I walked away first so i ultimately have control over whether she's dead or alive in my brain. but it's that same distance that is making me lose my grasp on what that relationship meant for me and how real it was.

and all of this inevitably circles back to language/perspective/framework and surprise surprise, colonialism, because I've had to mentally and physically step away from and reject deeply ingrained cultural scripts to get to where I am, where I'm finally at peace and happy with my identity, sexuality, etc., but that has also come at the cost of losing parts of my heritage that were integral in a lot of my positive relationships and ultimately also my identity. accessing discourse, lived experiences and connections surrounding parts of my identity that have been rejected by my culture would be impossible without encountering western paradigms; case in point, the language I'm writing in now. I think what frustrates me the most is that the gravity of this loss confers a level of grief that is so difficult to untangle, and is something i think no poc/global majority person deserves to shoulder?

but at the same time I'm quite literally the only person that can relearn and reclaim my heritage if I want to fully process this grief because the memories associated with it are mine. when I say that my grandma recently passed it doesn't feel real because I only ever refer to her in chinese dialect, like how you british would call yours nan. when I try to explain to others what she meant to me I can only ever give the gist of it and never the true essence, not entirely because the other person doesn't speak the language or isn't familiar with my cultural upbringing, but also because I have gradually lost those language skills and cultural closeness. I've literally lost the ability to have an extended, productive conversation with my chinese-speaking family members because it has been over a decade since I've needed to use the language.

I couldn't even stand learning my mother tongue, I would get a D in school and yet it developed the close relationship I had with my grandma. but how do you even begin to reclaim this part of yourself when it has also routinely harmed and excluded you ykno? the language also made me feel like an alien flung out of space since both sides of my family spoke in different dialects I was never taught in so I never understood what was going on. there are a million and one ways to fat shame me as a kid using this language, and i was and always will be considered anomalously and unfavourably fat in my culture. let's not even begin with other identities like autism and queerness. it is also not lost on me that a lot of this toxicity stems from coloniality and is not actually inherent in my culture.