Small problems...Big God

Everyday I am seeking you Lord. You live in my heart and I seek you in all that I do. I am so desperately longing for you. 

I humbly come before you right now realising that your ways are so much higher than my ways and your thoughts are so much higher than my thoughts. I cannot see what you are doing in my life right now, but I know you have a plan for me. I know that you work for the good of those who love you. I know that you have gone before me. I am claiming your promises and I trust you Father.

It is so hard for me to say that and it has taken me my whole life to truly understand what that means. I do not fear anymore what is before me because you have already been there. You have consumed my inner most being and I rest in the comfort of knowing that wherever my life goes, you are there. 

This season of my life is hard right now. If I’m honest, I struggle to release my own control and let you take over. But here I am, laying it down at the cross. All of my problems do not compare to the goodness and power of my Heavenly Father. You have authority over the heavens and the earths. You have constantly proven yourself faithful to your children. 

I understand things weren't always great. I know that it wasn't one big fight that caused a rift between us, yet it was a million small fights. It was the little things that I am learning truly did not matter.I know I acted crazy at times. I yelled, cried, and was far from perfect, but please hear me out.

What we had was real... and it still is. I will never forget or regret the nights we spent gazing into each others eyes so deeply in love, smiling for no reason at all. I am beyond thankful for the amount of time you have been in my life, for I am a different person because of you. You have taught me so much more than I ever could have imagined to learn from another human being. You have challenged my thoughts and have given me support through some really difficult times. No matter what happens, I will never regret saying “I do”.

When we decided to get married, we knew it would be hard. Being so young, we felt like the odds were stacked against us. However, I need you to know I meant every word I promised you. Despite the hurt, I will be here for you. I will choose to love you everyday, I will always support you, and I will constantly pray for you. 

We have spent time apart since you told me you wanted a divorce. Eventually, I gave in to what you wanted and accepted it as reality without fighting for us, and for that, I am sorry. But, I am here, right now, fighting for what we have. I choose to believe that the time spent apart was good for us. That space allowed us to grow as individual people. It gave time for the dust to settle. It pushed us to mature and ultimately, it put a lot of the petty fights into perspective. 

I want you to know that I love you. You, my dear, are my best decision. I know I have not always acted like it and sometimes you haven't felt valued, but I want to change that. I want to show you how precious you are to me. You are the man that makes me want to be better. You make me want to wake up on a Saturday to cook you breakfast or the man I want to take care of when he’s sick. I will not beg you to stay, but I am asking you not to walk away.

Regardless of what you choose I will always be praying for you. I wish you no harm and I will always want nothing but the best for you. I pray that God always shows favour upon you. I pray that He provides you with wisdom and the strength to make it through every day. I pray you will listen where God leads you and that you will once again discover genuine happiness. I pray this because I love you and I am able to love you deeper now because of the love the Lord has shown me. 

Today, as I made my rounds in the hospital I saw a baby swaddled up in a blanket. It was the first time in quite a while my mind was blank and I wore a smile as I gazed at the innocence of this young beautiful life. This baby became more to me than a sweet little child, he became a lesson from God that I so greatly needed.

You see, I looked at this baby and realised more in a couple minutes than I ever could have imagined. His eyes were shut as he slept peacefully, stirring around every few minutes and I began to admire the innocent soul God just created. 

As I contemplated the life of an infant I began to associate it to our relationship with our Heavenly Father. The infant is cradled for comfort. It is always fed and it trusts its caretaker. It cries out when the feeling of a basic human need arises, but that human need is always met by a loving hand. It cries out when it is uncomfortable, and yet, it is comforted. It never worries about if it will eat or what it will wear. It doesn't care what people think nor does it hold grudges against those who haven't been perfect. It rests, grows, matures, and trusts.

Somewhere in our lives we begin to associate growing up with problems and responsibility. We hear the term “adulting” being said with negative connotations. We should take heart in the idea that becoming an adult allows us to grow in our relationship with our caretaker. Let us never forget that no matter how old we are, in our inner most being, through Christ, we have the ability to have the peace of a sweet infant.

I want to tell you that now that I am going to God about my problems, everything got easier. I want to say I have no pain and sorrow. I want to say that being a christian makes you completely peaceful and that after my prayer I feel like I’m dancing on rainbows. This isn't the case. So, let me tell you how I actually feel.

I believe in the goodness of God. I believe in a God that has the power to do anything and not only does He have the power, but He has the ability to work things out in a way we could never have imagined. I believe in a God who counts my tears as they fall and a God who knows me by name. I know this in my inner most being, so today I had to question and evaluate why I feel so sad and confused. Why do I not feel at peace all day long? 

I found an answer in the belief that there is a spiritual war being fought. This war takes place in the intimacy of my mind. I put on a smile around other people and I compensate the confusion with a bubbly, happy, attitude. However, if you could see into my daily thoughts, you would see that I am fighting a war. For every truth God reveals to me, Satan tells me several lies. I am fighting for my marriage and I want to be at peace. I want to trust that God has it all under control because I know that I believe in a God who works all things out for the good of those who love him. I know I believe in a God who has a plan for me. So I now know that everyday I am going to wake up fighting until this war is won. 

There is power in the spoken word. When I am at my lowest during the day and the pain in my heart is almost too much to bear I cry out to the one who knows me most intimately. I have to speak it because it isn't enough to just think it. I will not give Satan the power to hold my mind captive and I refuse to give him the power to control my thoughts and emotions. When I find my mind racing about all that could go wrong,  or of the seemingly impossible things that need to be done to save my marriage, I have to verbally remind myself that God has me in the palm of His hand. He is the owner of my marriage and I have surrendered it to Him. He is the author of my story and the most incredible story-teller. I remind myself of His continued faithfulness and of the promises He has made. It is at these moments when I am speaking the truth that I am at peace.

Do you ever feel the need to do something, but you have no idea why? That is exactly how I feel in this very moment; creating a Tumblr and sharing my story. The truth is, I doubt anyone with read it, much less care. But, here I am about to expose the raw, unedited truth that lurks in my being...This specific story does not begin today November 13th, but instead began a little over a year ago on August 5th, 2017 and I am going to preface it by saying, it is not a story with a happy ending....yet. 

On August 5th, 2017 I decided to marry the man of my dreams. It was fairytales and rainbows at the time as we eloped to the courthouse. We gave consideration to what we were doing but I don't think either of us at 20-years-old really understood the magnitude of our actions or the depth of the commitment we were making to each other and to God. We were young, immature, and had SO much to learn.

I considered myself a Christian at the time of getting married. I read my Bible from time to time and I prayed every so often. But to say I was a Christian at that moment was like someone who goes to the gym once a week claiming to be a body builder. I had no endurance. I had no muscle. 

So, fast forward a few months into our marriage and the fighting began. Every fight crushed me more and more like a Cheeto laying on the floor until finally I was grounded down into nothing but a powder ready to be shoved into the crevices of someones shoe. Most people sugar coat marriage even while telling you the first year is going to be hard. But hard was an understatement. We fought well into the nights. We screamed and I cried. Words were said that couldn't be taken back and each fight drove a wedge between us. Each fight created a pound of resentment inside of us as we gradually packed on the weight. Until it was too much to recover...or so I thought.

The term divorce was thrown around like candy since the third month we were married. I think we both wanted out for our own selfish reasons. In the beginning of 2018, after a fight that got so far out of control to justify, he decided he was done. We didn't fight because we didn't love each other. We fought because we didn't know how to love each other. And that is the biggest lesson I could ever learn from all of this. I didn't know how to love him. I didn't know how to be the wife that he needed or to put aside my own selfishness. I couldn't get past my own desires and how he wasn't meeting every unrealistic fairytale expectation I had set in my head of what a marriage should be like.

He moved out and I realised that at the end of everyday he was the man I wanted to be around. At the end of everyday, regardless of laundry getting done, or dinner being prepared, he was the soul my heart longed for. I wanted to celebrate his accomplishments, but I felt like I needed to hate him. I felt embarrassed to be the wife that still loved someone who moved out on her. I felt like I was the clingy ex who couldn't let it go, but why should I have? 

I didn't always know during our marriage that he was who I wanted to be with. After he moved out, I became resentful. I was hurt and I longed to fix my marriage. I began consistently praying to God. I asked Him to work in my heart to change me and to work in my husband’s heart as well. I knew that in order for this marriage to be saved, we both needed to grow. I wish I could tell you that for the last 8 months all I have been doing is praying and believing in God’s promises. BUT that isn't true. We went our separate ways and I got frustrated with waiting on God. I didn't think that He heard me. I didn't think He was listening. Everyday, things got worse between my husband and I and I finally raised my hands and gave up. I lost faith. I, the imperfect human that I am, lost all hope in God. I didn't want to hear anything about Him. My anger was redirected from my husband to God.

So I went my own way. I tried to forget God and I tried to forget my husband and the hurt that came with my marriage. I started drinking all the time with friends, attending every festival I could find. I drank until I could forget. I found other men who could fill my void for a night, or a week, or even a couple months. I walked away from my marriage. I walked away from my God. 

On November 4th, after a long weekend of missing my husband, I called him. I called him to see if I could come talk to him. I wanted him back in my life in any way I could have him. We hadn't talked in months at this point and it was a little awkward when I went to his new house. That night, I realised my feelings were still there and stronger than they ever have been. I found that it is easy to be in love with someone when everything is great, it is harder to be in love with that person through all the pain and heartache you've endured. However, it made for a deeper love. A love I have never felt for anyone before. A love that says despite your flaws, and despite the hurt, and despite the trials, I choose you. Everyday. Over and over, I will choose you. 

I saw on that Sunday, while I was still angry with God, that God remained faithful to me even when I had lost faith. He answered my prayers even after I stopped praying them. My husband was a new man in God. He had been watching sermons on his own and has found his own journey and strength. He had matured and his heart had changed. We no longer argued and misheard one another, but instead listened as the other spoke. He listened with compassion and understanding and spoke with wisdom of Godly man. He had become everything I had prayed for.