sʟᴏɴᴄᴇ

(voice of a person spiralling) its embarrassing but i still havent figured out if its ok for me to be alive

Hey kids, you need to start worrying a little less about getting “#mogged” and a little more about getting “#smogged”. This is an Air Quality Index public service announcement.

When I was a little boy, girls used to just do random cartwheels for no reason. Then one day, they stopped. Now that I am a man, no women randomly do cartwheels. This is because society is evil and killed the cartwheel impulse in their soul. They don't even spin horizontally anymore. It's fucked up.

Do you remember the episode of Spongebob where he's training gary for the snail race and does a coach persona + calls gary a girl and has an aside where he's like "I called you a lady to demean you 🤓" and right after he says that it cuts to sandy and she somehow telepathically feels that Spongebob just did something misogynistic and us like I feel like I need to kick Spongebobs ass for some reason. And then she appears just at the end of the episode to kick his ass.

it’s quick, it’s easy and it’s free:  pouring river water in your socks

why would i do that lmao

it’s quick, it’s easy and it’s free

fuuuuck my pet peeve got loose

The problem is I always want to dm my mutuals some shit like "I consider you an ally to my cause"

Reblog to tell your mutuals "I consider you an ally to my cause"

My alone time is for everyone’s safety

shine normal like a plain rock

“don’t take it personally” how would you like me to take it then? professionally? romantically? academically?

(to the tone of creep by radiohead) but i'm asleep. on mypillow

Me thinking why a whale (big) would eat krill (small) and then I remembered rice (yum)

so few people appreciate the wisdom I have to offer.........

if karl marx was born today he would be a baby. and it would be his birthday