Sincerity

Its my yearly checkup, I know no one really sees this or reads this, but I'd like to think there's someone out there keeping up with my story.

The reality is I have learned to love being nobody, fading into the background, completely unidentifiable. In fact, I think I favor it, it has many advantages. As social forces are the strongest out there, they just simply don't effect me when I unplug myself from the rest of the world. Of course, this comes with at a cost. Emotionally, which seems to be the repeating aspect of my life that everything comes at a cost of.

I read a post about a transgender woman once talking about how her world came alive, how vivid the emotions were, how livid her experience was once she had transitioned. In ways, I envy that experience, but I also know how much of a luxury it is to just not take a temporary emotion into account when making serious decisions about life. Pros and Cons... What's next for me? Move on to those world-changing plans, fiddle with hobbies, get a doctorate just to have credentials to complain about society, work and go through the motions till I die? I sense big things this year, this year of my life. It was my birthday last week. And this year feels different, I'm already starting it differently by getting rid of a bad habit I've kept since I broke up with my first. Seeing those numbers 888 in that dream, at the beginning of the year... that's been on my mind as the year progressed and many opportunities emerged. I think the most important thing?

That first relationship. First love. I know it ended 3 years ago, but now it really feels actually over, forever.

Was doing some life processing the other day and a flood of emotions came back as I thought about her and the entire relationship, the emotions peaked as I was stupid enough to also check her social media (stop doing this). A wave of anxiety filled me.

Last time this had happened, October of 2021- I got desperate. I actually prayed for the first time in years, I composed an apology letter I hand delivered to her mailbox. I messaged her to talk again. I composed an email that suggested we get back together, yes, AN EMAIL. That I luckily never sent. I spent the next couple months thinking of her and wavering between should I get back together with her?? to no its impossible... to intense regret.

This time? I burned the drafts of those apology letters. I burned poloids of her, I burned sticky notes that she had left to me. I DUG UP OUR TIME CAPSULE 4 YEARS LATER, that we burried on our anniversary. I am literally digging deeper this time. the one that actually had a ring in it that I was going to propose to her with. I tossed almost every item in it into the lake. The things I kept were only reminders of who I am, and what I learned from the relationship. If I didn't get rid of this, there would always be that thought that "maybe one day well be together again and open it."

No, Now its really over. the contrast between my reactions startles me and fills me with a sense of strength and finality.

The breakup and its aftermath started a pattern of behavior that has been constantly self destructive. I've victimized myself and reminisced this, as well as the rebound, the unforgiving friend, ALL the people who had ghosted me. I used them as excuse for being stuck, but the reality is, I get to choose if these things hold me back, I get to choose to reminisce and victimize myself.

I think about you from time to time, even though it was only a day, it was a favorite day of the year- like I said it would be to you, and a breath of fresh air after talking with that cynical, inconsistent rebound. So naturally that’s who I compare you with, I think the biggest thing was that you got my eyes. I speak a lot with my eyes, I flirt with my eyes too. people who really know me always mentioned something about my eyes, except that rebound, which I think said something about her, something about the deadness in her soul, not in a evil way, but in a way that said she had suffered a lot, and had nothing good to give because of it. She had an inability to see into my eyes, or more like she didn’t want to, she held back. I remember how you would stare at me, making it obvious, and that flattered me. that rebound didn’t, I would stare at her almost 24/7 in the right settings and she rarely looked at me. That’s something that hurt a lot with her. barley giving me attention, in fact I know she was trying to not give me that kind of attention, even though we were hanging out together alone, she didn’t want any more feelings to arise. But what was funny is she still liked my attention, and would ask for it, and would give me a little bit here and there to keep me going for her. I don’t know if she knew that or not but that’s what happened. 

But that day I was the center of attention for you all day. I loved how you looked at me. I love what you did for me, even though we were practically strangers. I try to think of ways to replicate this experience, but I just can’t seem to do it again. We were both in a very unique place in life which had put us into a certain mindset that allowed things to happen like they did. she held back, she always held back something, but I didn’t, and that would hurt. There was no holding back with you, but there was consequences of course, which was luckily small because it was only a day, still a lot had happened, but we minimized collateral damage by limiting it to a day. You didn’t hold back your attention, you didn’t hold back any information, you didn’t hold back your emotions. Everything came out, and everything felt genuine and real. I mean, I have to be in a really special place for me to be comfortable being naked with another. There is this really difficult balance of emotional security, trust, playfulness, and sexual comfort that is hard to reach with me. that rebound was always confusing, having no clear boundaries on what was and what was not sexual. So it just never went there for me, on one hand it was nice that the entire relationship was innocent like that because it proved to me that it was not sex that I desired, but on the other it could never be as intimate as either of us really wanted. What was confusing is she had completely different ideas about being naked, and she would lay on the bed naked next to me in such a casual way that was obviously non-sexual, she would change her top while straddling me, she had no problem changing in front of me, all of which were in non-sexual for her. For me, nudity does carry a certain sexual tension that she just wanted to absolutely deny because remember, she was “progressive.” But she never gave me enough attention, enough love, for me to be comfortable. Even though she wanted to see me naked, would ask to shower with me. That confused me because her shower was tiny and I could only imagine an immense sexual tension in such a tiny shower with two naked members of the opposite sex so close to each other. So did she want something sexual? I don’t know. If she did, How about start with kissing me first though ay? How about you start with giving me a little bit of attention first? But she didn’t, and so I was never comfortable like that with her. She was so unconventional it was confusing.

It wasn't suppose to be a one night stand, I was hoping it would last longer, I was hoping we would see each other again. But I still was trying to have a romantic friendship, and, as you will soon find out, she was in the perfect moment in her life to come with me on an adventure- but realized what she really wanted the next morning. This was the second girl I tried with to have this kind of relationship. The hurt was small- because it was only a day, but it was still there, and I probably wouldn't do this again, but still was one of my favorite days this year.

May 24th, 2021:

I like this one because it reminds me of how easily love can happen. That it doesn’t have to be the result of soulmates destined to be together with years of dedication. That it isn’t so despairingly rare. How it can happen with anyone at anytime:

This ones a fun one. it was almost what I was looking for in multiple ways. I liked how natural it was, i like how accidental it was, I like how spontaneous it was, and I just loved how comfortable we got with each other in only a day. it just ended way too soon, but I understand your reasons. we caught each other at the perfect time for both of us to do something more impulsive than usual. For someone claiming to be "90% gay" I sure have never seen any woman more attracted to me than you. Luckily you were exactly my type as well. We just barley caught each other. You were about to leave, then a big fiasco happened with the love of your life, suddenly your life plans changed and your world flipped upside down, and, maybe in some odd form of coping, you said out loud to your family that you could finally flirt with me.

 We happened because it was like one of those times in someone's life where it just completely falls apart, but right after it does, you do something wild at some desperate attempt to escape reality. You were quite the flatterer, smooth too. We played off each other very well. To think you were just going to hangout with me while I did some errands- we both had a big surprise. I didn't have anything planned, promise. I had never done anything like this before. I just always had those blankets and hammock in the back of my car ever since I had a sweet little date night underneath the stars for the one I once loved the most, but never took out, even many months after we were over, because their use would be for some distant fantasy that I thought would never really come but kept anyways just to dream. No you weren't exactly that fantasy, sorry. Of-fucking-course, the one chance I actually get to use them I end up spilling gasoline all over the trunk of my car while doing doughnuts with you in the parking lot of “the one’s” former workplace, ironic. Luckily we found a backup. A backup that also happened to be very ironic to your former romantic history as well. Better than what I had really. I wonder what you ended up doing with those, returned them like you planned?

It was a perfect date to be honest, yeah that’s what it turned into. My little errand trip had now turned into a date. Randomly traveling in one direction stopping where ever we'd like just on a whim. "Trespassing" and parking in no parking zones, pretending like we were little rebels, together, spiting society or whatever. We ended up all the way in downtown louden, and I'm sure we would have gone further if you didn't have work the next morning. Naturally, we had many interesting encounters on our journey. 

When we were first together, there where some borders, there was some guards that where up, mainly on my part, but everything went down and its like we were lovers for months as soon as we kissed. You tried this a couple times before, staring at me and getting a little closer each time. We were both aware of what we were thinking well before it happened. That’s how these things usual go. I never fully consciously kissed a girl without having some kind of long romantic background with her, so this was very different and so I just thought, what the hell- might as well try it, and finally gave in on that park bench. You have to admit, that was a better place to have that initial kiss rather than my car. Letting that tension build a little was a good idea. You could tell we just completely relaxed into each other after that. All the sudden we were now holding hands and leaning up on one another everywhere we went. Looking into each other’s eyes for prolonged periods of time and expecting another kiss, which we gladly engaged in. You seemed so surprised, like it was weird to ask someone their preferences on how/what kind of kiss they like most. But that’s how it should be. Anyways, from there we decided to just, Go.... 

It started off with you pulling into an empty parking lot. You confused and surprised the fuck out of me as you reached into your center console, pulled out a pill, and told me to follow you. Before getting up i glanced into the center console and noticed the packaging of the pill. "Midol" .... okaay? Then it all made sense and I laughed as you uncovered a geocache and exchanged the pill for a little gummy lizard. You were so excited about that lizard. Thanks for not telling me what you were doing, that made it 100 times more interesting. I suppose that’s why it was such a successful date as a whole, too, we didn't know what we were doing, we didn't know where we were going, we didn't know how far we would get with each-other, we didn’t even know it was a date. 

 Then we tried to find some other geocaches. One was around a tree which I told you to go up in, just so I could catch you from it to kiss you while holding you up off the ground, yeah that was on purpose, smooth, right? You claim you don't have a favorite memory, I think that saids something big about you. A fish has got to remind it self of what its swimming in, to remind itself that "this is water." Anyways, we then chose a direction and said, this seems like a good road. And off we were again. We encounter a hilarious conversation between this old man conspiracist who was just going off at these two guys who were high out of their minds, talking about aliens and the resurrection and shit. We went behind a school and found some baby goats, class pets maybe, which you absolutely loved. we stole some bamboo and I made a little art piece with a folding chair, the bamboo, and the gasoline (the one I spilled) in the mall parking lot. Which I deconstructed RIGHT before mall security pulled up. We passed this gas station in the middle of no where which I found so entertaining for some reason that I made you turn back just so I could visit it. Hunt brother's pizza: the gas station in the middle of buck-futt no where. Hilarious. 

It was pretty late at that point, and I did have one thing in mind now- look, all dates that make it to the night have to have star gazing and cuddling, that's just the rule. And naturally, since we were so comfortable with each other, a lot more ended up happening. Which of course, we talked about beforehand and had a mutual understanding that those kinds of actions should be reserved for someone you actually care about. But it wasn't like that’s what made the day. I would have still been more than satisfied if we just went home before then. It was the time I spent with you, the thoughts, and talks, the adventure, the holding, the experience of love, and definitely the complete spontaneousness of not knowing what would happen next, which although brief, is what made the day so enjoyable. Not to mention the perfect amount of attention you gave. How you looked at me, how you listened, how you knew my love language of affection, and there was no holding back, no stuffy social boundaries or games, no worries about tomorrow. 

This is the last time I saw the rebound, and we haven't talked since. I wanted to see what she thought about me getting back together with my ex, but I already knew the answer really, being as cynical as she was. Everything came to surface and became clear after this day to me, and I knew we could no longer be friends.

10/23/21

I held back this time, and I think you knew it too. We didn't tell each other how we were feeling, I didn't tell you what I was planning to, mainly because I’m done. Your just so cynical. You managed to fucking put me down too after I did something nice for someone which I hadn't really done in a long time. I covered somebody's leftover bill at Walgreens, which was a measly 2.11, because his card was maxed, and later we figured out this dude was stuck after flying down here, and had his wallet stolen and practically his entire life taken away from him. And guess what she said after parting ways with this man. Guess what she fucking said; "I cant believe you gave money to somebody who drives a BMW." That’s pretty fucking low dude.  You managed to make me feel like I had done something wrong. You don't know how much that car was worth or what the arrangement was, you didn't even know if it was him in that car, after pulling out in the parking lot. You just assumed. Assumed a lot. Why? Because your so fucking cynical. Your bitter that everybody around you has an easier life than you and you take it out on them, albeit only in your attitude and words, but that can escalate to actions real quick. I cant be around a person like you.

So like I’ve mentioned in the initial post, after that French exit, things were different, as she slowly began to separate herself. Breaking my heart every time It seemed like I was just a regular friend to her. Wether it was sleeping upstairs with who was my closest friend at the time, leaving me alone on the couch, crying. Or kissing others right in front of me. To be fair, I did the same, and we had no agreement of exclusivity, we had even talked about it explicitly. But that didn't make it not hurt. I didn't sleep those nights, and would go home at around 4am once I decided I had enough overthinking myself and making myself anxious over her. Kind of poetically reenacting the first French exit every time. This only happened about 4 times total, including the original. But then there was also the times she just completely withheld her attention from me. I would sleep over in the same bed, and she wouldn't even touch me or look at me the entire night. Like nothing had ever happened between us. Making me feel like I had done something wrong- when in reality she just didn't want to entertain the emotions any more than she already had- but that just made it worse. 

I remember the worst day. Going from lingering in bed with each other far into the afternoon, cuddling the entire time, sharing our deepest doubts and fears, to  facing away from me the entire night, waking up early to get straight out of bed, not talking, scooting away from me every time I went near her, and even saying “you know you dont have to follow me around everywhere,” when I just tried to be with her in her own house. I felt so alienated and disheartened. You might of well just told me to leave. 

written on 10/22/21

That second girl I kissed, it didn’t feel as meaningful as the first, for obvious reasons. We were -after all- a little tipsy, and she was with that group of friends where she had extremely loose boundaries, almost anything was acceptable. But at the end of the day, I was the one who felt like the winner, I was the one that you let sleep next to you, and then we had another kiss. And then a sober one in the morning, in front of those friends- which you granted nobody else this time. And then another one before we departed. Then we never kissed again although we saw each-others plenty of times after that. I think that’s the day where you realized you were getting too many feelings for a relationship with such loose boundaries as ours. you should have just told me then, I should have just laid the boot down then, that if we were going to continue like that boundaries or labels would have to change.

_____

a sudden and unannounced departure

This is where things start taking a turn for the worse with that rebound. We had just had a conversation 2 weeks prior to this event about what we were and about what we wanted to be. We both conclude that we like seeing each other, but we don’t want to make others obligated or to be obligated to a relationship. She wants her next relationship to be her last, because she is done with heartbreak, and so it becomes apparent that the potential issue here that she wants to avoid is breaking another attachment. I’m transparent with what I want, a romantic friendship. And she seemed to have no issue with the idea of still seeing me from time to time, being sentimental, physically and emotionally close and all, but with no obligation.

However, when it came to this kind of loose-close relationship, I was always curious about how I would feel if I saw her acting the same way with someone else. Even though romantic friends implied you could have multiple, and even a closer, single romantic partner as well, I personally never imagined or even wanted to do the same things that I did with her with someone else. It takes away from the effect that it was special. That love was special. 

But, her love wasn't special, it was freely given to others, although close friends, it still was detrimental to me, but I remained silent because this was the implied agreement, and she owed me nothing.

October 31st, 2021:

Its about this time last year when I made that French exit from the first real party I had ever been to, hosted by the girl I liked, because I saw her kissing another guy. Not just a peck, it was one where they thought they were alone, with her leaned against the desk, so engaged with each other that they didn't really notice me at first. They played it off like it was normal. I didn't feel much at first because hey, we talked about how we weren't really possible, but we were still seeing each other weekly, and nothing had changed with the way that we interacted with each other after that conversation. At least you admitted it was kind of shitty after mentioning it, but It confused me how you honestly didn't know what you had done wrong at first. a couple things you did/do confuse me, like your boundaries, and the weird relationships you had with your "friends." Who had apparently meant the world to you, and you were so comfortable with, but the next moment they completely dropped out of your life, never to see you again, leaving you with double the rent to pay. I mention this because you probably opened up your boundaries so much for this group of friends and it ending up meaning nothing to them, and leaving you lonely, disappointed, and a twisted sense of what boundaries are suppose to even mean or be. You and your life, your friends, are the reason I will never again consider casual romance ever again. It seemed like a neat idea, to have this deeply emotional and intimate connection that you could just make with anyone and be okay with letting things come and go, but there are issues with attachment, there are issues with abandonment, people get hurt, genuine romance requires genuine care that doesn't have the ability to just *let go*. Your lucky to have someone who would promise to be there in your life forever. That shit is rare.

Anyways, I sat on the couch a little after witnessing that, and just thought for a moment, and the feelings started settling in, and I just left. The party had just started really, this was soon after the final people started showing up. I told no one. Partly because I felt a little worthless, and I suppose I did want to see who would care. I’m glad I only shed a single tear that night for her, no more. if the amount of tears was somehow a measurement of dis-heartedness. Which unfortunately is not always the case, but if it was- that’s how much she should of meant to me. I was surprised to see one friend called soon after, like 30 min to an hour. I really appreciated this friend because they do this kind of thing regularly. Then she called 3 hours later, saying that she "misses me" and "wants me here." I dismissed it because I knew she was drunk to some degree, but it still gave me hope. Its really fucking annoying how this wouldn't be the last time a girl would get verbally sentimental with me for it to only mean nothing.

______

I was angry when I wrote this obviously, normally I’m much more understanding of the whole situation. Afterwards I mentioned how I did feel hurt, and that I realized I could not have this kind of loose relationship, and told her that It was not a good idea for me to hangout with her alone anymore. But I took that back two weeks later because I missed the closeness, and started to become very sad about the end of my first love- Missing the exclusivity of it, the way I felt so special. But I still went back to the rebound for bread crumbs because it felt better than nothing.

If I knew I was going to be staying over, I would have jumped in that lake with you- once it had gotten dark, and it was time to go home after our casual stroll in Sequoyah hills, dressed in our jeans and t-shirts. But I just sat back and watched as you slowly submerged yourself, fully clothed, and then drove us back to your apartment drenched.

As a boy who had just turned 18, and been out of his first serious relationship which took things slowly and steadily, having no other romantic interactions- I had a lot of potential to be completely swept by new experiences. One such was the second time I hungout with this rebound outside our usual place of interaction. We had spent the day together, and she invited me to her little apartment. 

I didn't know I would spend the night, It was getting late, and I mentioned that I “should probably go” in the most solemn tone ever, then she offered for me to stay the night, my heart jumped.

Oh how badly I wish you could replay some days. It was a night full of a rang of emotions. From grieving her fish that had died just that night, burying him in the backyard in a little box, to talking about life and encouraging each other, to playfully pushing and biting each other in bed, to comforting her after night terrors. It felt like a fever-dream to me. I had fallen in love so quickly. Dangerously quickly, as I would soon realize. 

It felt good to sleep next to somebody again. We were both making those exhales of euphoria as we were cuddling each other, and it was nice to know somebody felt the same as I felt towards them. It remained an innocent night, but we definitely were playful, that’s for sure. I’m glad it remained innocent because it proved to myself that it wasn't sex that I desired.

I woke up about every hour, because she had chronic night terrors and insomnia- it only made the night better, as I felt incredibly useful because she said to me she normally did not sleep at all, and she felt safer, and more comfortable, with me there, and had no troubles embracing me after waking from a night terror even though they often involved her being taken advantage of by a guy. The constant disturbances made the night last a long time, which I could not have been more happy about a restless night of sleep. 

It felt like a fever dream because the entire time I was in that half-conscious state where your slipping in and out of dreams and reality. Where your unaware of any worries, and only your immediate surroundings are on your mind. Like I’ve mentioned in my favorite memory, this is a really pleasant state to be in, especially with a lover.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a bad date, some were surely better than others- but none that were bad. I think as a sentimental fellow who would prefer cheap foods and good, quiet views with an apt for conversation and authenticity will always be a win. I’m glad I can be that, however that means nothing comes easy, and I often drive them away because I hide nothing, and discuss all potential motivations.  

Of course, an empty parking lot is where alot of these started. Like outside after work I would see her, the rebound, and this was our first sentimental interaction. It started as a talk in the parking lot, then a stroll in a random nearby neighborhood.

The best dates are the ones you don’t even know are dates.

Late September of 2020:

It wasn't until the last few months I realized how negatively this rebound had impacted my life. She was the perfect person to try romantic friendship with, but we soon came to realize, after I would try with a few others as well, that romantic friendships are incredibly difficult to actually pull off and your better off just avoiding them.

7/16/21:

This one is to my rebound. Which I didn't even know rebounding was a thing until about 4 months ago. What a fool. I started talking to you about two months after the breakup. Which yes, was too soon considering I didn't even start grieving yet. You definitely place 2nd in relationships which have caused me the most emotional turmoil. Of course you will never know this or read this because we talked about this beforehand and we knew the consequences, I knew the consequences, and you don't deserve to deal with them now or to feel guilt for what I have felt. 

You're a very honest woman, thanks, I can't thankyou enough for that- you dont know how fucking sick I am of dishonest people. And by dishonest people I mean that crush (fuck her) and a couple of rude “friends.” But damn, you shattered me over and over again. I definitely went out of my comfort zone for you, I did a lot for you actually. staying over the 2nd time we hung out outside of our usual place of interaction. You were the only person I had got a Christmas present for last year. I tried to wear the things you liked, the smells and textures. I brought over snacks you liked. I always bought you lunch. I had an awesome three month doing this with you, seeing you every week. Looking forward to it, thinking about you all the time, enjoying the first stages of love- infatuation. Recreating my favorite memory with you. Forever a memory of a specific atmosphere and smell will be attached to you.

You see, you're a very troubled woman, but the way that you allowed me to help you made me feel so valuable. The way you held onto me after reliving a flashback or waking up from a night terror. Knowing that you would have nearly sleepless nights, except when I was there and you would sleep like a baby. That made me feel incredibly valuable. Then we finally talked about the terms, and what we were. I thought I could just give my heart out and get one back just like I had done before, but this time I had one condition which stopped you from giving it all. Which is completely reasonable, but I had already given mine. And we kept seeing each other because we liked the attention. We liked the love.

 But slowly you withdrew because you didn't want to be broken hearted again because we both knew the inevitable of what I wanted, or at least what I thought I wanted. If not what I wanted, then what our circumstances would have forced us to come to. Now here is the shitty part though, you still kept the door open, you still allowed me to keep trying. Because you didn’t know what you wanted, and you were scared of hurting me, but in the process I ended up just getting hurt more over a longer period of time. You would give a little bit of attention here and there and that was enough to make me think you'd still want something. But outside of that I was completely deprived of attention from you. Not only deprived me of it, but freely gave it to others too. And holy shit did that hurt the most. Because although we would say that we didn't have to be exclusive, or that we were just friends, our feelings and actions said something different. You always tried to pose jealousy as some sort of “covetousness, greed.” But it’s more complicated than that. Jealously can also root from insecurity about ones worth.

 You didn't even know what you did wrong, you called me up and you seriously asked what did I do? You were so used to living a life with no relational boundaries with all of your friends (turns out I wasn’t that special) that you weren't even aware you shattered me. It only took you 3 hours to realize I was gone, I'll give you that, but then to add the cherry on top you were all like "i miss you here and want you here" and etc and etc and gave me that hope that I was special to you. It seems like it was inevitable that that night would have been the first time I would get intoxicated, whether it was with you or the only friend’s house that was nearby that I decided to go to after what you did in front of me. Coincidentally they had planned to drink for the first time, the same night I was at a party with this woman. 

We would then go on for several months to play this game of deprived attention. Where I would love her when I was with her and she would give me tiny bits of affection here and there, just enough to keep me going. While feeding me this bullshit about how my values are actually arbitrary bullshit no more valid than any other values, while giving into my thoughts about how I was the problem in my last relationship, while giving into my doubts about myself and my methods of life. All of this I freely accepted because, well it turns out I moderately loved you, which I never said because love is a very heavy word for me, but that's how I acted and that's what I felt.  And so I accepted your opinion as truth. Not because I thought it was valid but just because I lowkey worshipped you. 

There are few different kinds of spite, one is done to spite a person, who they are, and their own feelings. Its done to hurt them, Its essentially revenge. This kind of spite is vengeful and full of hate. It contributes to the bottomless bit of hell that's filled with bitter people constantly taking stabs at one another continuing to dig the hole deeper and deeper because none of them have the courage to forgive- to start looking and traveling up. Its an endless blame game of constantly taking measures to ensure what’s "fair" that ends up burrowing everyone involved into a deep, dirty, bloody, pit of despair. Its hell. Its the bottomless pit of hell, made possible by the shovel of hate, anger, jealousy, etc. However, one can spite hate itself, this kind of spite is excellent, as its motivated to do the absolute opposite of the sufferings that were done to you. If you spite a hateful person, by being kind, that’s a healthy spite, I suppose.

7/16/21

This next one was inspired by that highschool crush of mine, after the first time this crush ghosted me, I was like “there she goes again not replying, you know what this reminds me of?” My time in highschool where I had no interest in romantic interaction and somewhat neglected those that crushed on me. Awkwardly pushing them away but trying to be friendly still because I genuinely cared about people. It blew my mind how there was those who would adore me so much that I barely even noticed or gave attention to. Some of them were actually quite attractive, and why is that important? Because even that didn't get my attention at the time. But also because I had never asked a girl out, one that I barley knew, that I also found attractive. So, wanting to go out of my comfort zone to have unique experiences, and also wanting to do something to spite this highschool crush of mine, decided to contact an old "crusher." 

This girl was the shyest girl I had ever met, she literally walked up to me at a church camp with her friend, and could barely say a word- she had her friend do most of the talking at first. I tried to be smooth and all and offered for her to take a break and come back and what not, at one point she was literally breathing into a bag. I was super flattered that I could cause someone to act so flustered. You and your mom have been talking about me months before I even notice you, you two nicknamed me “birds nest” because this is when my hair used to be huge. Yeah it was a little insulting but I could still find it amusing. 

You ended up obtaining some contact information and, since my birthday was coming up soon, wanted to buy me a "birthday lunch." This was a date in disguise but unfortunately for you I wasn't into romance at the time. But I still agreed at the time. You were an hour late, oops, but had a good reason, you pulled out your cash in a little plastic bag which I found amusing. At the time you seemed a little too young for me, after all you were going into 9th and I was going into 11th. And that plastic bag didn’t help. what’s funny is we had this meeting at the place that would become my workplace and second home in two years. After that first meeting, I never really talked to you again. I saw you at church from time to time, and apparently a fucking disaster of a freind/client of mine told you that I was dating her which I had NO idea about untill you told me 3 years later. So you actually stopped talking to me as well. I think of how massively different our lives might of been if I actually considered the relationship. 

Back to the present. You're super attractive- even more now than when we first met- like you rank high if not #1 in most beautiful girls I have ever met. I even showed you off to my friends which was really weird for me to do since I never do that and we just don’t talk about women in my friend group like that, so it was oddly out character for me. We had a little history too, so I thought this was the perfect opportunity to get out of my comfort zone. At first it was a friendly meeting, then I actually asked for a date. We went on two, with their own little set of events. Like this was around the time my car battery would constantly die, so when we had to leave I would have to get out, you came along too, I mentioned your height of course every time we stood up, and went to go jump start my battery with the backup I always carried with me. You had never jumped a car before so it felt like I was teaching you and you were readily attentive to learn. This felt like a key moment where this was some practical microcosm and foreshadowing for the things We might of taught each-other if we some how ended up together. There was one time it wasn’t working, so I had you try to start the car while I pushed it, that was a really stupid idea if you know how cars work, but we just laughed at it as I explained why it was a bad plan after the fact, a good dose of humility.

 You were shy at first again,- which I found adorable- needing a friend to break the ice again, but we got moving and you relaxed out and did really well. I know you were hesitant because you've dealt with and was dealing with a lot of shit with guys, but we were able to talk it out. The first time was a success, we talked for hours in an empty park at night after work. I thought you were a little crazy for doing this with a guy you barely knew. Which we had discussed. We talked about life, and relationships, and family, and the mess that is living. 

And before we left, this sweet little event happened: I had brought extra beanies because I knew you might be cold, it was after all a freezing winter night. You mentioned you were cold when we were departing, so I went to get one to put on your head, you claimed you didn't look good in beanies and hid your face, but behind it you were smiling and giggling so I moved your hands out of the way and laughingly mentioned that you looked cute while we both had this sentimental but playful attitude towards each other. We hugged there for a little while, especially close since you were cold, while doing this little waddle together left and right, and then left. I really enjoyed that (You were also the perfect height). I wonder if you still have that hat [she does, and actually wares it often too]. I could tell you were a little excited too, inviting me to help your family, the way you were so attentive to my texts. 

The next date we got a little more serious and talked about what we wanted and discovered that nothing could happen between us. You had a kid and you needed something stable. I knew it wasn't going to work from the beginning because I wasn't willing to take up this much responsibility at this time of my life. But remember, this was just about trying something new. So it was completely worth it, especially the end of that first date even if it was something small. You have to enjoy the small things in life. Writing in such detail like this helps me do that a lot actually. I could tell you were disappointed when I told you I was unwilling to accept that kind of responsibility, I could just feel your demeanor change. And you were ready to leave. I know we said we could be friends but you were far and, to be honest, I wasn't interested in having just another friend at the time. But that's okay. You actually replied, was honest with me, and was a part of me getting out of my comfort zone. Excellent experience overall. You are an incredibly strong and beautiful woman, going through school taking care of not only your own kid but your mom's and still working a full time job. I wish the best for you!

___________

Before i get into the big failures, I had some minor ones that, that never really started enough to be failures, but still contribute. Like my highschool crush who I was only trying to talk to, but ghosted me several times (with years in-between).

7/15/21

Big shout out to the women who could just be honest (even if it required a bit of pushing) with me. And a big fuck you to the one highschool crush that I had. Even if it was just juvenile feelings of attraction, it was still a new experience of life, that unfortunately ended in only disappointment. No matter how hard I try to sympathize with you and think of reasons for your abstinence in communication, all I can do now is express my anger because I've tried all that is reasonable- and still nothing. It's now out of my control. Normally, when things are out of my control, I would just say "fuck it," but this was something I really wanted. At least a single conversation in person so we could just explain what happened- since I do know that there seemed to be a lot of confusion and hurt feelings. A simple no would have been 200% better than nothing. At least I would have an answer. Actually you gave me something worse than nothing, you'd continue to lead me on saying that "you'd miss me" and "I do want to see you," and then ghost me. That's the worst of it really. The lie of false hope. That's just dishonesty. 

I know, you're probably telling the truth, your just internally inflicted, with this history of abuse that creates distrust, and so you're torn between letting something new happen and being reminded of what might happen (and I hope that this is the case, this is the benefit of the doubt that I am granting you, I could be even more cynical). But life is filled with these kinds of risks, and it's so important to keep to your word. I don't blame you but that doesn't mean I'm not angry. Because you led me on and then never gave me the time of day. Which you repeatedly did, is continuing to do, and not only with me but with other guys too. I've heard many stories about you. I dont know if I can believe them or not but I guess ill never know since you seem so set on never fucking talking to me again. 

Thank god that's over... I was getting kind of sick of talking about it. Now rewind back to the begging of the year again to talk about what was going on while this was all happening with the end of the first love.

In retrospect, it seems completely wrong to call them romantic failures, as 2 of 3 of them had more good than bad, however, I classify them as failures because they didn’t go to expectation and I didn’t want to repeat them again. They provided me with examples of what I DONT want in a relationship. Often times they were terms that I, MYSELF, had created. It all revolved around wanting a more causal relationship that I like to call romantic friends.

This is different than friends with benefits, because it can be completely innocent. Its all about emotional intimacy and vulnerability. Its about companionship and adventure. Its about genuine love and care, and physical closeness, but that can easily distance itself because it understands that life is busy and love is complicated. I also thought I could effect more people if I was romantic with them, rather than just a friend. As I once said in a writing about one of these failures:

“There’s too many borders as friends. You can cut off friends with little to no problem. You can find new friends, friends are every where. ( a good friend is a different story, which I dare say is even more rare than a lover). You just don’t take what a friend has to say as seriously as you would a lovers’.“

What’s funny is that I absolutely resented this type of relationship at first, because while although it doesn’t require sex, it doesn’t close the door on physical intimacy, and at the time I thought fornication was immoral and wrong, and it upset me deeply. Me and my ex had long discussions over this, even though she wanted a committed monogamous relationship with me- and I did too at the the time- she still defended casual sex and romance. This made me spend time thinking about it and researching it, until eventually I came across this blog post.

It had put casual sex into a new light for me, reveling the emotionally intimate and adventurous side as well, which Is really what I had cared about more. Thus why I call it, romantic friends. This made me start really considering it, and actually even desiring it. I told her all this too, she seemed to kind of just ignore it, and it faded away, it was never at the forefront of thought when I broke up with her about a year after I had changed my mind, but considering I spent the next year trying to have this kind of relationship, I realize it was a bigger reason for breaking up than I had originally known.

All good things come to an end,

It’s just the way its always been, 

Well, consider this the end. I had managed to become obsessed without her even talking to me, and felt like I had broken up again, within a month. 

I knew it was going to hurt breaking up, but I never knew it was going to be this bad, where it would effect me a year into the future. I never knew I would have those nights where I would waterfalls tears, in absolute despair, silently shouting in grief, gripping my sheets and writhing in my bed. Its embarrassing to admit. But its what happened.

To think I thought my grieving would end after one or two sessions of tears, and then I would go back to my old self like before we started dating, holy shit- what a fucking idiot. That never happened. 

I hate how this still makes me feel something. Like I still love her or something. But I don't- especially after being cut off like that, I loved the things we did together, the memories we had, and the relationship we had. I loved everything, but, we failed to make each other better people. We were in different areas of life, with different values and goals that just made us incompatible. 

The final axe swing that chopped down this tree of desperation was this short writing I discovered randomly: 

“Any love you find in a season of desperation is going to reek of mediocracy

There is so much more that this life has to offer you than a romantic relationship. There are mountains to be climbed, friendships to be made, fields to flourish in. There are an infinite amount of opportunities waiting for your arrival. 

Sweet friends, go out in this world and fall deeply in love with yourself. Find, crate, bask in your boundlessness. Be yourself, authentically and unapologetically. 

And once you’ve soaked in your singleness, once you’ve leaped to new levels, love will surely find you because you have first found love in yourself.”