#freindshipbreakup

Then you understand why you stopped being friends in the first place.

This lifestyle, her lifestyle it didn’t fit with me. Often times when I’m lonely I think of her, wanting for her once more.

I was putting away laundry 

When I realized how much things have changed. 

We went from friends, to enemies (?), to strangers

We are not friends anymore.

We used to be so close. 

I almost would have called us sisters. 

(I’ve found a sister now who would just tell me if she thought something was up)

But things went wrong. 

We are not enemies. 

I don’t think we ever were, to be honest

But I never knew what to call the person who hated me, 

Or so I convinced myself

(because why else would you have pushed me away so violently?)

But that was resolved years ago. Kinda.

We could be acquaintances.

I know you like cars

I know you like country music

I know you love(d?) gymnastics

I wish I knew more sometimes

(That would help dispel the guilty feelings that tell me I was a bad friend. I know I wasn’t)

I know next to nothing about you.

We are practically strangers.

We avoided eye contact at prom

Standing across the group of people

Looking at anything but each other

Smiles a little more plastered than the rest of the night

I made it clear that my mind has taken to hating you again

(Part of me regrets it just a little)

Something has shifted.

I don’t hate you 

I don’t like you either

I’ve reached that apathy

That I thought I reached ages ago

But this time it’s real

You could be sobbing

And I would care to the extent that I would about any other stranger

Because that’s what we are

Strangers. 

Standing across the room

The floor between us a bottomless pit

Far too deep and far too wide to ever be crossed

The history between us a dizzying maze of laughter and heartache and throwing up walls in self-defense

The twists and turns so sharp they could kill me if I think too hard about them

Or as I carefully rehash the story to myself for the thousandth time

(That’s how I try to make it make sense, make it feel more normal to have been treated like that)

Maybe one day we could meet and try the whole friend thing over again

One day when my mind isn’t terrified of falling into that old pattern of pretending I’m fine when my heart is still bleeding out

One day when the pain has been drowned out by the echos of time

One day when it all seems like childish fighting

I don’t know if that will ever happen

I might always be terrified of that old familiar cycle

I might always feel the pain just as much as I did on day one

It might always feel like it was the end of the world

So for now we are strangers

i wish we could have worked it out.

loosing a part of me was def not how i imagined.

mourning you like you are gone, but your not and that's ok.

things come to an end and sometimes we wish they don't but they do.

i wish we could catch up but i don't think we ever will.

but its ok.

i was so angry at you in the begging but i've come to terms and i'm letting you go now.

i know you'll do great in life and i wish you nothing but happiness, love, and success.

i wish you could have my little Eliza flora, i think of you when i'm with her at times.

her birthday is a few days after yours.

thank you for the unconditional love and friendship you gave me.

ill always cherish all the memories of us as kids and adults.

Suddenly I realize I never had bad friends and perhaps I am the bad friend 

I have learned to hate

More than to love

In such a cold unwavering year

Realizing the depths of hatred

In which my heart can sink to

How deep in which the knife cuts

Into such delicate skin

Yearning for such a dull knife

Making its home between my skin

Blood trickles down the

Root of my thigh

Against fresh uncommon snow

Turning such snow

Into grey sand

Hot against the trickled sun rays

The dead water splashes

Against the Children’s laughter

On a shore

Where I last saw them watching