#make boundaries

So like I’ve mentioned in the initial post, after that French exit, things were different, as she slowly began to separate herself. Breaking my heart every time It seemed like I was just a regular friend to her. Wether it was sleeping upstairs with who was my closest friend at the time, leaving me alone on the couch, crying. Or kissing others right in front of me. To be fair, I did the same, and we had no agreement of exclusivity, we had even talked about it explicitly. But that didn't make it not hurt. I didn't sleep those nights, and would go home at around 4am once I decided I had enough overthinking myself and making myself anxious over her. Kind of poetically reenacting the first French exit every time. This only happened about 4 times total, including the original. But then there was also the times she just completely withheld her attention from me. I would sleep over in the same bed, and she wouldn't even touch me or look at me the entire night. Like nothing had ever happened between us. Making me feel like I had done something wrong- when in reality she just didn't want to entertain the emotions any more than she already had- but that just made it worse. 

I remember the worst day. Going from lingering in bed with each other far into the afternoon, cuddling the entire time, sharing our deepest doubts and fears, to  facing away from me the entire night, waking up early to get straight out of bed, not talking, scooting away from me every time I went near her, and even saying “you know you dont have to follow me around everywhere,” when I just tried to be with her in her own house. I felt so alienated and disheartened. You might of well just told me to leave. 

written on 10/22/21

That second girl I kissed, it didn’t feel as meaningful as the first, for obvious reasons. We were -after all- a little tipsy, and she was with that group of friends where she had extremely loose boundaries, almost anything was acceptable. But at the end of the day, I was the one who felt like the winner, I was the one that you let sleep next to you, and then we had another kiss. And then a sober one in the morning, in front of those friends- which you granted nobody else this time. And then another one before we departed. Then we never kissed again although we saw each-others plenty of times after that. I think that’s the day where you realized you were getting too many feelings for a relationship with such loose boundaries as ours. you should have just told me then, I should have just laid the boot down then, that if we were going to continue like that boundaries or labels would have to change.

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