The people need to see this

My family has always just been our immediate, little unit. I’ll never know my fathers parents or the parents before them. I’ll never get to know what life was like in Mexico, I’ll never hear our stories or read our recipes.

I don’t even know when or how my mothers side of the family came to the US. Who were we before we were Americans? I want to know and appreciate their struggle, sacrifice, and love. Do I have family out there in the world?

I’m not sure who I am in the grand scheme of things. I’m born and raised a US citizen, but am I really American? I was not here when the land was fresh and new, those are the true Americans. I’m not Mexican, I’ve never even been. I’m not German, or Croatian or Serbian. What am I?

I’m not even sure what my race is. This is becoming a more conflicting topic than I’d care to admit. My fathers side is from Mexico, but who were we before that? Were we indigenous to the land or did we invade and pillage and rape? My mothers side is white, whether that be German or a Slavic jumble. What am I?

I’m tan of skin but get paler in the winter. I’m too white for the Hispanics, too brown for the whites. Racially I choose to not mark on paperwork, I always identify with Hispanics and Latinos. I’m not even culturally Hispanic, I’m very very American in my lifestyle and upbringing. Can I even call myself Hispanic? Does it even matter?

Race and ethnicity are such trivial things. There are so many people and heritages and mixtures at this point in the world, it’s kind of futile to try and keep track of which is which (for superficial reasons, culturally these differences keep humanity rich and loving).

I watched Obsession today with my sister in the theaters. Fittingly, I’ve been having a lot of internal conflict regarding my clingy, borderline obsessive nature with my boyfriend. There’s a lot to the story, but long story short I’m really in love with this boy and want the chance at a future with him and I’ve been conditioned by society to believe that wanting romance and letting a man make you happy is foolish and trivial. This causes me to be incredibly self-critical and find issue in minor behaviors of mine. Logically, I don’t think I’m clingy or “too much,” but it feels so real it’s hard to deny.

I watched this movie and related so heavily with Nikki. As I watched I sat in horror, not only at the tragedy unraveling before me but how unsettling it felt to see myself in her. About two years ago I got into a relationship with a male friend that I was not interested in or attracted to. I was lonely and heartbroken, it seemed like the only way to remind myself that I was worthy of love. We dated for a year and a half, he took my virginity. Sometimes I wonder if every sexual encounter we had was along the lines of sexual assault. I didn’t want him, I just wanted to be his friend, but I got myself into this situation so I thought I had to ride it out. I tried to convince myself that this is what I wanted.

When Nikki screamed and pushed Bear off of her towards the beginning of the movie, I flashed back to memories of me pushing my boyfriend off of me or jerking away. I couldn’t take it anymore, I couldn’t handle being something I didn’t want to be so I pushed him off.

I don’t know how to feel. I don’t want to say I was assaulted, I put myself in that position. I chose to date him, I never explicitly said no. When I did say no, he would respect it but wouldn’t necessarily like it. One of our biggest issues ended up being I wasn’t physically intimate with him enough and he needed that. I don’t think he’s a bad guy.

This could be me being brainwashed and unable to see the truth. I’m very scared of that idea. Watching the abuse Nikki sustained and her lack of agency just felt so familiar. I don’t know if that makes it accurate or not, but it feels so familiar.

I wouldn’t consider myself clingy or jealous, but I definitely think I’m whiny. I fear that Nikki being similarly whiny in this movie was supposed to be unsavory, and now I feel like I’m unsavory as well. I don’t think it’s a good thing to relate to a character from a horror movie, almost always horror movies are some sort of commentary on a fault of society. I don’t want to be a fault of society. Who would?

I’m not sure if anyone will see this, the prospect of it makes my stomach churn a little but I need someone to know. I need someone’s thoughts. Please give me your thoughts stranger on the internet.