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Texts From Superheroes

Saying it would be a great opportunity for some sunshine and fresh air, members of the Ostby family reportedly came to the conclusion Friday that their grandfather, Earl Ostby, might enjoy going outside and watching the worst Little League baseball game imaginable. “We just thought he’d get a kick out of seeing six innings of the most god-awful baseball ever played,” said daughter-in-law Danielle Ostby, adding that the 83-year-old would probably love viewing a bunch of uncoordinated second-graders repeatedly fuck up routine throws to first base.

Shrugging off the notion that it required any special talent or discipline to become the youngest player in history to complete the career Grand Slam, 22-year-old tennis superstar Carlos Alcaraz credited his massive success in the sport Tuesday to the fact that tennis is the easiest game in the world. “All you need to do to win at tennis is run around from left to right inside a tiny square and smack a really soft fuzzy ball with a racket that’s basically as wide as 20 baseball bats,” said the seven-time majors winner, adding that tennis players don’t need to concern themselves with placing the ball through a small hoop like in basketball or worry about getting hit by big, strong defender like in hockey and football.