Human from another planet

Monday, 13/08/2018 - 22:32

(I thought adding a timestamp to the BLOGS to keep track of the MOMENT you BLOGGED them would be a great idea, since apparently Tumblr does a terrible job at such basic things)

From now on, totally randomly I will post songs that are like super relevant to me, #1 on my top chart at the moment, so when they go down or others come up, I’ll remember them and I’ll give them a new chance (and yes, this is one sentence, deal with it).

These are usually songs that I wake up with, like they’re playing in my head when I get out of the bed (yes, that happens, I assume that it’s normal but I wouldn’t be amazed if this thing already has a long, unpronounceable latin name) .. Or songs that I keep listening to all day when I get a chance. Like this one.

Oh, and if it’s not a lyric video, I’m also gonna add the lyrics, which usually are the reason I listen to songs in the first place. 

You don’t have to like them, but I’m glad if you do anyway. :)

Okay, that’s it, bye!

Beast In Black - Blind And Frozen

Once I touched your heart Held you in closed arms Built a haven for your love Until I let you fall apart Please forgive me

God I miss you like hell I was wrong I can tell For the heart can be blind and frozen Now I live with the pain Every night, every day As I read those letters you wrote me How I long for the time When your lips would kiss mine And the promise was still unbroken I will wait for tomorrow That may never come I will wait in the name of love

My forlorn heart faintly beats Your absence makes me weak And if nothing brings you back Surely I'll roam through life in black Like a shadow

God I miss you like hell I was wrong I can tell For the heart can be blind and frozen Now I live with the pain Every night, every day As I read those letters you wrote me How I long for the time When your lips would kiss mine And the promise was still unbroken I will wait for tomorrow That may never come I will wait in the name of love

I would die for the love of mercy Destiny, is this how it should be? No no no!

God I miss you like hell I was wrong I can tell For the heart can be blind and frozen Now I live with the pain Every night, every day As I read those letters you wrote me

(Apparently, I only post when I'm in this shitty mood. Interesting.)

Not so long ago I deactivated my Facebook account I had since 2009, I think. After the GDPR laws and shit became more serious, apparently you now have the option to actually delete your profile, meaning that the lizard dude won’t have access to any of your data that you shared and uploaded to his servers. But I really doubt it, probably they categorize a specific group of information under the “stuff that can identify you personally” label and they delete those (or move them to a server from a country that doesn’t give a crap about your first world European data protection laws) but they certainly won’t delete EVERYTHING. As irrelevant your FB activity might seem to you, they actually register and use every interaction you have with their products. I briefly read the privacy policy shit on Instagram, and it’s clearly stated that they register even the way you’re scrolling through their app “to determine whether you’re a robot or not” (I'm not sure why any sort of robot or AI or algorithm would need to actually scroll through the posts instead of just getting the information from their servers, but hey, I am not a robot, so ..). I don’t mind, go on and register as I stop at doggo posts, who cares, just use the information you gather about me and show me more doggos. Doggos are love. So yeah, probably the ‘delete’ option would’ve still left a bunch of data about me out there somewhere. But I didn’t choose to deactivate my profile because of these stuff. I didn’t actually delete it because I had no idea how I am going to react to it. I mean, mindlessly scrolling though FB is actually an addiction that you might not even be aware of, and I thought I might have something like that and I’ll want my profile back, eventually. I might still do, but certainly not now. I’m more than OK without it, and I still have a bunch of other social media accounts, like IG, Whatsapp, I'm on 9gag and Reddit, I have a FB messenger account, cause you can have that shit without a FB profile .. and Tumblr, of course. I am SOOOO active here, you’ve no idea. Especially when the main page shows me all the “you might like this” posts that I DEFINETLY like. Yes. I'm not sarcastic, at all. Noooooooo.

 Why? WHY WOULD YOU DELETE YOUR FACEBOOK, BLASPHEMY!!! Well, I'm not against it, or anything. I'm not hypocrite enough to start preaching about how bad that place is and how should you avoid it like plague. Nah, you do whatever you want, I can’t care less. It’s also very useful for businesses, they can reach audiences easier than ever before. And for random every day folks too, I guess. Where else would you post when you take a shit or go to a fancy place? Or take a shit at a fancy place? Ok, I'm being exactly the opposite of what I just stated literally 4 rows above. But this is kinda the reason I got rid of it. I just don’t care. I don’t care what you had for dinner, where have you been, who are you fucking this week, to what motivational post you woke up this morning. I don’t want to see that. It’s just a shitload of useless information that I fed my brain with, every day. And yes, you can unfollow people, so you remain ‘friends’ with them but you don’t see their crap. And I did that, and I only had memes and ads and “things you might like” on my wall. And it was better, but still, it’s just a bunch of useless information that filled up my limited brain-space. A lot of the modern mental issues and disorders are caused by the fact that you just suddenly have to deal with sooo much extra information, your brain cannot keep up with everything… And then you see into other people’s lives, and you think ‘daamn, why can’t I have that life’ .. and you are aware of the fact that what you see on social media it’s only a collection of the best moments of the peoples’ lives, but still, it eventually starts bothering your mind and your chemicals in it. I noticed this has a very similar effect to what I felt when I was a kid and I saw some stuff that I really wanted but my parents didn’t buy it because it was too expensive. And I didn’t understand why I can’t have that and it made me feel like shit. This is the same, but the ‘stuff’ is more serious and this shit just keeps coming up over and over again. And it slowly, subconsciously drives you nuts. And I feel like I’m already ‘nuts’ enough, I don’t need more dosage.

So, basically, I deactivated my profile because I started to feel that it took away much more than it gave, and that’s not a good deal. It was no longer ‘entertainment’, it wasn’t useful in any way, and I started to realize that I can’t label it anymore with anything positive. And there’s also the fact that it became so vital in our society to be on that platform, I actually got a bunch of “how could you” reactions when I told what I did. And I don’t like that. I don’t know why, I don’t have a specific reason behind it, but I don’t like the fact that it’s this important. Maybe it makes me feel that I am losing control over it and it just drives me somewhere in a very subtle way. Don’t know.

Was it a good idea? I really hope it was. Right now I have the feeling that I'm missing out on many things, like when you’re constantly invited to fancy parties but you chose to stay home. But my memory is not that weak, yet, I remember how much “stuff” I gained while I was there, and it’s really irrelevant. So this will pass too.

I am now trying to figure out if it has any ‘hidden’ side effects of some sort. Like withdrawal symptoms that I can only notice if I really start thinking about it. I’m not sure. Maybe it does, because lately I'm more fucked up than ever, I don’t really know what came from where anymore. But it’s an interesting experiment nevertheless.. on myself.

My mind is really … hectic .. lately. It’s the feeling when you wait for something suuuper awesome to arrive, like your birthday (for the people with super awesome birthdays) or something you ordered online .. but this feeling is more muffled yet persistent, a tiny tiny adrenaline rush somewhere down in my core that it’s ready to burst out, to ignite when the moment arrives .. but I just don’t know what the moment is or when it will come. I know for a fact that I’m bored to the teeth with everything around me, I really need some change, to take risks, to start something new from the bottom. And it’s not too early or late yet, it would just be the perfect moment for me between the “I don’t know shit” era and the age where people start giving up their seats for me on the public transportation. The answer to “when” is “right fucking now”. And maybe that’s what my brain figured out too and that’s why it doesn’t agree with my life decisions. Sounds plausible.

But back to Facebook .. yeah, it’s gone. And I hope it will stay gone. Even if someday, somehow I change my life entirely, I still don’t want to feel the need to share it with a bunch of strangers and people I don’t even say ‘hello’ to on the streets. It just sounds idiotic when I start to think about it and I don’t want to ignore that anymore. As cliché as it may sound, human relationships should not be dumbed-down to the social media level. Maybe I’m just old-school or I don’t understand the ‘awesome’ part of this .. Or it’s just that I think differently. Which might not be a good thing .. But it’s different, at least.

Something like this:

I noticed, obviously, that my posts are becoming more and more .. negative .. yeah (there’s no need for bigger words). It’s not because I'm, like, the king of bad luck and there’s no Tumblr post-worthy positive stuff in my life (actually …) but because I really like this impersonal environment that this site provides. Yes, there is a huge community here and yes, my stuff isn’t private, anyone can read it. But I'm not there when they do. I can like send my thoughts into the wind and not be there when someone hears them, to witness their reactions, to read their judgmental body languages. And that’s just perfect, when it comes to parts of my life that I don’t share with literally anyone IRL.

But I really don’t want to have a wall of sorrow here, so I think it would be great both for this page and for my mental health to write about something .. nice, sometimes. Or to start rambling about something, I am REALLY great at that. I can dissect any innocent subject to tiny little pieces and throw them in every possible direction, back and forth, then just finish the whole thing with ‘yeah, but I like it tho’. I just prefer to see everything in this world from multiple perspectives, and when the light shines from every direction, it’s inevitable to see what lies on the dark side of the stuff .. and I’m not ignorant enough to turn the lights off on that side, so I might criticize something I like, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t like it, it just means that I'm aware and I keep my eyes and mind open and … fuck, this has nothing to do with what I had in mind for this post .. CTRL + Z!!

So yeah, something nice. What do I like …. …. …. What the fuck do I like?! Oh, yeah, games. Like video games, not the other type of ‘games’ people tend to play these days .. with other people .. [CTRL + Z] I’m not a hardcore gamer or anything, I just like to sit down and play something that gives me some sort of satisfaction, I guess. Because if the game is sooo fucking difficult, I try it a couple of times, but if I can’t progress I just throw it into the recycle bin. Lame? Yes. I ain't got time to struggle and fail in my free time after 9 hours of people nagging me over the phone at work that something's not working and I should figure out why? Absolutely. So my game library is basically a collection of games I'm good at I enjoy, and I’ve no problem going back to an old game either, if I miss it.

(Totally unrelated side note aka proof that I can’t keep one theme for my posts, from start to finish, and I'm not trying to hide it either: while I'm writing this mess of a post I'm listening to some Zen, “ummmmmm” style study music on YouTube. It’s really just some organ-flute “HaaAaaAAaaA” holy sound shit with a bunch of echo and no rhythm, but it works, it really disconnects me from everything around me. Nice. I won’t give you the link tho.)

I recently started to play the Assassin’s Creed series again. Well, not ‘again’ because I’m not playing again the ones I finished, I just upgraded my PC not so long ago and the first thing I tried out was the last AC game. And I finished it too, now I'm playing the episodes I couldn’t play in the past because they ran with like 15 FPS, which is basically visual cancer. I don’t like all of them, and, clearly, I don’t play them in order either. But that’s not an issue, because the boyz at Ubisoft apparently aren’t really fans of linear storytelling and basically the game went back from the French revolution to the pharaohs. I don’t mind.

Luckily, at least my first AC game was actually the first in the series. And I LOOOOVED it, it was really fresh, creative, and I really liked the whole concept, that modern day Templars and Assassins are using some device that can allow an individual to relieve the life of his ancestors, and with this ‘Animus’ device they’re looking for hidden artifacts, called ‘pieces of Eden’ that were made and left behind by a civilization which lived before us, regular folks. And they were technologically advanced, and their artifacts are super powerful and stuff, and their hologram-paintings are just popping up in different eras, and medieval folks are like “Jesus, wtf is this shit?!”. And the first game was great because it combined really well the two sides of this concept, with Altaïr as its main character.

The 2nd  AC game was actually a trilogy. The story takes place in the renaissance Italy, with Ezio Auditore da Firenze, who’s just a super great character, in all 3 parts of the game. Ubisoft also started to progressively implement new game mechanics, which just made everything more complex and nice. Then, at the end of the trilogy the dude dies. Bummer.

Then came AC III and so did my hate. The game itself is okish, the story is okish too, it’s about the American Revolution in the 18th century, not my favorite. But the main character, Connor, daaaaamn he’s lame af. He’s some half Native American dude with some complicated ‘real’ name and he’s voce is just dull, and the whole character is just boring to me. His papa is a Templar and the game actually allows you to play with him some missions in the main story, and he’s just so much better. But the rest isn’t and I ain't gonna replay that.

AC IV Black Flag came after. It implemented a super complex naval battle mechanism, where you could just roam around in a big ass ocean with a big ass ship in the 18th century Caribbean as a motherfucking pirate. The naval combat is really, really great in the game, the character is ok too (definitely better than Connor) but I didn’t enjoy the story that much. I wasn’t even paying too much attention either, to be honest. Don’t know why. Maybe the ship battles were so captivating that I just couldn’t care much about the dialog and the story-line. I don’t know.

Normally, the next would be AC V, but Ubisoft ditched the numbering and it just went with the Assassin’s Creed something form factor. And thus, the next game, AC Rouge was born. Critiques say that it’s just a remix of the previous version, and damn, they are right. It still has the ship combat stuff and it’s a really nice game too, but after all the freshness that came with AC IV, Rouge is just more like a .. remake. It is still played in the mid-18th century and you’re playing as Shay Patrick Cormac who, after a couple of missions has a fight with his Assassin leader buddy and turns into a Templar. The concept is nice, but the story feels a little rushed. He’s nearly killed by the Assassins, then he becomes a Templar with the Connor dude’s papa and goes back to find his old Assassin buddy to give voice to the inconveniences created by said buddy. Classic revenge story.

Next one is AC Unity, and this is the one I'm playing right now. It is the best one so far since Ezio. You’re some Arno Victor Dorian dude in the middle of the French Revolution, who became an Assassin .. in a weird way. Basically, he was framed for killing some important French dude, thrown into a jail where he picks on a cellmate for having stupid drawings on his walls, and the dude’s like “you can see those? Then you’re an Assassin!” and then the revolution came and they escaped and Arno is now a super skilled Hitman/Agent 47 combo. Weird. But the game got a new engine and everything looks super nice and alive and the colors are super vibrant. I really like the feeling it gives me. But I don’t know much about the story yet because I'm writing a supermotherfucking long Tumblr post instead of playing it.

After Unity comes AC Syndicate, which I haven’t played yet and I have no clue what is that one all about.

The last one in the series is AC Origins. It’s set in Egypt somewhere around 49 BC, and you’re a Medjay called Bayek and you just want to revenge your son’s death but you accidentally create the very Assassin’s Creed. With the logo and everything. It’s a nice game. It has Cleopatra in it and her naked servant ladies and Romans. But I still prefer Unity.

And because Ubisoft just doesn’t give a fuck, the next AC game “Odyssey” will be set in ancient Greece, way before the whole Origins story, and you just basically can spear the shit out of people while riding horses. What will THAT have to do with the whole AC idea, I don’t know. But it will have some sort of multiple answer options in the conversations, that’s gonna be new. I won’t be able to go take a piss while the cut-scene is on. Damn. Hope you’ll be able to THIS IS SPARTAAAA some motherfuckers down a big ass hole while Cersei is watching you. That would be epic.

So yeah, I really like the AC series. They do have their flaws, but overall it’s a nice experience reliving some old times, old cultures in some really old cities.

So yeah, as I said before, I have to move out from this place where I lived in the last couple of years..

I kinda moved out already, but I still have a lot of shit in random packages. And now that I took down every item from every shelf, this place became sooo empty, it gives me all the feelings in the world..

It is not my home, ofc, and I am not really attached to it or anything either. But I have, I think the best memories of my life attached to this place and I'm just soooo angry for how things went astray lately. I wish I could relive 2016, over and over again. It was easily the best fucking year of my life, I had everything I wanted and for the first time I was really, genuinely happy. And all these good memories are coming back now, and yes, they give me joy and they do put a smile on my face, but in the same time I long for them sooo much. I..want..that back. But it's gone. It sucks when your happiness depends on such specific things, once they're gone, you feel like everything's gone..

I don't know what am I going to do next. I don't know how will I get out of this shitty mental state I'm in right now. I had plans, they failed and now I'm just drifting with the pointless, monoton days. I realize that something's not okay with me when my mind knows when good things happen around me but I cannot feel shit. I often use a made up analogy in my head to explain this..like..if you buy a very hungry man the most expensive car and TV and whatever, yes, he'll be happy for it, probably, but he just can't appreciate it enough because he's still lacking of the one thing he needs the most..food. I am somewhere in that place..I need my 'food'..

Basically, I just need a huge change in my life right now. The most rational 'next step' would be to buy my own place, once I manage to save some money, but I don't want that. I will just take this fucked up mind and soul of mine in a new place. And probably I won't even be able to appreciate what I have. I want to leave. Far, far away. Like in a different country, I want to meet new people, do stuff differently, hell, even to speak a different language in my everyday life. I want some big ass changes. Something that will finally be able to fix my clouded mind, or at least drift it away from where it is right now. But of course I won't do shit alone. I know myself, I overthink everything, I need like a fucking kick in the back to finally start doing some shit. I need motivation. I used to have it, and I know what I'm capable of when I have the target in my sight. But I have absolutely no motivation right now. It's like I'm waiting for a miracle, but in the same time I know they don't just happen, you have to do something to gain something in return. It's like a constant battle between my brain and my soul, with a lot of casualties but without any winning side.

I just feel lost and empty af... As empty as this place is right now..

And since there's nothing else that can explain feelings better than songs (yes, I'm edgy like that), here's the song for this post:

Oh, yeah, you can even write stuff here, almost forgot! Well, at least ONE thing didn’t change: my ability to maintain and update a blog...

I am only writing this because maybe if I put all my hectic thoughts together .. maybe .. I might figure something out. But naah, I doubt it.

I am soooo fucking tired. Not physically, I don’t really do anything exhausting, I basically watch different displays all day, to make money, to relax, to write this, most of my life is spent at the front of a monitor. And that’s fine. But as you need strength to lift stuff and do sports, you also need a different kind of strength to .. I don’t know, keep your shit together. Keep yourself sane. And I’m all out of that.

The last couple of months were really tough and shit just keeps hitting the fan. First I failed an important exam and I'm too fucked up to retry .. then my dad suddenly got sick and went to the hospital and almost got a heart attach .. and THEN when I just barely got out from the hell that the healthcare system is here, the owner of the place I live in just wrote to me something like “hey, do you remember when I said that I live abroad and I won’t return and you can just chill and live at that place .. well, guess what?” So I have to move out now, I will probably going to sell my soul to a bank and buy my own shit, right now in the midst of all this economic crisis with prices that I can even spell out loud.. Wonderful.

And you know how it works. You get hit, you stand up and move on. Then you get hit again and you stand up again and move on again. But when this just goes on and on and on you kinda lose the strength and maybe even the will to get up again. I mean where does this strength comes from? You need something or someone to motivate you, you need some goals and dreams, I guess, to motivate yourself.. At least that’s what I heard, and it sounds amazing when you hear about this stuff, but IRL it just not works like this. Not in my RL anyway.

I have to deal with most of these things alone, cause why would I have a normal life with a partner and stuff, pff, sure. During the week while my dad stayed at the hospital, I went from “I don’t even know where the ER is” to “oh, with that kind of issue you can go to floor x and see doctor y, you’ll find him in his office with the door handle having slightly different color than the rest”. I learned medical shit on-the-go to understand the diagnosis, I learned that the city I live in is special and here the insurance doesn’t cover the intervention my dad needs, so hope to have the money for that, otherwise *shrug* everybody’s just sorry .. leaned how to sneak in the hospital and up to the 5th floor outside the visiting hours to bring stuff to my dad cause he’s old and can’t even go out for a walk by himself. I had to do all that shit alone. And come home with all the nerves and worries built up and just go to bed and hope the phone won’t ring again with another wonderful news.

And it’s ok, I’m glad I can do this, it’s just super exhausting. And when I need something I can compensate all this shit with, something that charges me up and keeps me moving, I look around and I can’t find anything. Obviously, it could always be worse and there’s always someone who says “other people live much worse lives than yours”, and it’s true, I get it but I just can’t cheer myself up by thinking about other people’s misery. It even sounds fucked up to me, I don’t get how this thing became an actual argument in this matter. It doesn’t fucking cheer me up. And neither do material stuff. Yes, I'm grateful for everything I have and what I achieved so far, but gratefulness is something else…

So yeah, right now I feel like I'm just sitting in an empty room and I completely forgot what I was about to do. I feel stuck. Grey. I have ideas, I have solutions I just don’t have any motivation, willpower to carry them out. My batteries are somewhere around 3% and there aren’t any plugs around. Fuck this state…

I miss people. There's a formidable amount of people I miss actually, and that's scary as fuuuck. Thankfully it's not about death or other awful reasons, is just, I guess, the 'normal' flow of life. When you meet people, they just become part of your life and then either them or you move on and it's just .. gone .. the end.

Friends, partners, people you just know from/at work or school, it doesn't really matter the context of how or why you know them, just the amount of time spent with them and the quality of that time is what makes them more special to you. You unwittingly give them a more major role in this little movie of yours called ‘Life’, they sometimes even get the right to edit or actually write your script. I really doubt that anyone can actually control this, like to decide exactly who gets which role; I would LOVE to have this control on my emotions and on my life, but I don't. And that's fine, it just gives some unexplainable-supernatural vibe to the whole casting part. You might not know a person at all and then suddenly ‘something’ (some unexplainable-supernatural stuff) happens and there you go, from that moment you are going to spend time with that person and you both gonna enjoy it, even if you might've not known each other 5 minutes earlier. Or there's also the other version of this voodoo thing, when you know a person for a quadrillion years, you put that person in a 'meh’ folder in your head, then something happens, an event, a conversation, or even a smaller thing like a look or a “Hi” spoken slightly differently, something that makes you immediately reclassify the person into the ‘superawesome’ folder. Just like that. And whatever is the catalyst of this thing, it has the power to change your entire movie, maybe just a little bit, but sometimes it rewrites the whole thing and makes you see the frames from a completely different perspective.

But we are just some imperfect little meatballs. We tend to get stubborn, hectic, we give in to all those chemical reactions that happen in our brain even if they’re completely illogical and just plain stupid, and then we get into a smaller or a bigger fight with our favorite human fellows. Fights are actually very weird, in my opinion. I mean the verbal ones, not when you punch the living crap outta someone. Logic would say that the heavier the fight is with someone, the less you like the person, the less you care about them. But that’s sooo not the case. We don’t really fight with people we don’t like. We might send them to the mighty ‘fucking hell’ (it’s a nice place, been there a few times), then we cut them out from our movie, fire their asses, lock their trailers and we’re done. But if that someone is more special, closer than anyone else, when we reach that point where all the reasons and the thoughts are just piled up to the max, we want to get rid of it. We want to fix whatever that pile is made out of, we just want to make everything the same as before, even if that most of the times doesn’t make any sense. And this is actually a final test, when all the voodoo magic is done with its job, when all the connections are made, then the first disagreements happen and their outcome decides if that supernatural thing that is assigned to this job gets an F or an A+ for its work. It is not easy to find someone to click with. On a whatever level, friendship, love, doesn’t matter, a click is a click. But if you pass the tests, you just start to realize that ‘yes, I’d certainly like to take this hooman with me on my journey, thank you’.

Then comes life that we all love so much with all its weirdness. Life can put you in a completely WTF position when your feelings don’t match with your expected reactions. You feel a thing that would make you react in a way, but you’re just not allowed, mostly by society, sometimes because you’d turn into a selfish asshole if you did react in a certain way .. which might or might not be society’s fault as well .. Life changes the game, or I don’t know, your supernatural connection contract expires or what, but then something happens that takes away your main character. And it’s usually not a bad thing .. but it still makes you feel bad. Maybe you move, finish school, change job, exploit opportunities, maybe the other person gets married; something happens that silently closes the gate between you too. And you must be happy for your friend, “Wow, you got a new job in a different city, how great!”, “Awesome, you’re gonna move together with your partner, that’s a big step!”, “We both finished school now we can really enjoy our lives!” .. and these are indeed good things, you really feel happy for them. But then the thought comes in that you might see your mate less often or not at all, you two might not hang out ever again. And that just clouds everything and puts you in that weird feeling like when you walk in a heavy rain without an umbrella and the wind just blows every water drop directly in your face, you just want to go home and feel cozy again. Except there’s no ‘home’, this is permanent, nonstop rain in your face until you just get used to the situation. “Do you miss that person?” “Yes, I do.” Then you get used to this too, to miss a person, we are made to get used to anything that constantly damages us, that’s just the way we were engineered. “Do you miss that person?” “Yeah, I guess … “

I don’t say there are no permanent connections, there (still) are (fortunately). And distance, game changes normally shouldn’t affect them in a way that it completely cuts the chord, we have soooo many tools now that allow us to talk, hear, see each other, it is really the best era we had so far when it’s about keeping in touch with people. But is it the same though? Does it give you the same experience, the same feelings you had in the past when everything was “in place”?

(This first paragraph has nothing to do with cats. I just want to share and describe the joy that I recently found. It’s the joy of writing these nonsense blogs on my laptop, in my bed under a super warm blanket, in the shine of a cheap, generic USB light. It is heaven. Really. I wrote yesterday’s blog on my PC at my desk, it just didn’t feel right. I could also write on my phone, but that’s just not comfy enough. And I don’t have a tablet, ‘cause my ex took it, so the only thing I’m left with and the only thing I need is my slow ass laptop. It is heaven. The only things I don’t need anymore, however, are pens. I bought ten pens today. I needed one, so I bought a whole set of ten. Who the fuck buys ten pens?? You might buy one fancy pen, a cheap one for backup, but ten? And they look exactly the same .. well, not really, because of the cheap Chinese labor some of them are kinda deformed, but they're supposed to look the same! Even the package says they’re office pens, do I look like an office? But I bought them and now I have pens for life. I might do a giveaway. Anyway, where was I .. ?)

I’m 100% a dog person. Not like I have any problems with cats, they’re Satan’s cute little minions, but I just don’t like how selfish and ungrateful they are. I mean, you give a dog a sandwich, he’ll love you forever. You give a whole package of fancy cat food (that juicy one, not the dry shit) to a cat and she’ll scratch your face off ‘cause she doesn’t like the seasoning they put on the damn food (yes, I refer to dogs as “he” and to cats as “she” because you’re smart and you can deduce the correct conclusion). So I prefer dogs. Still, the amount of cats I’ve dealt with in the last year or so is just insane.

Today, for example, there was a random stray cat at work. We were just sitting on the benches, having our well deserved brakes, when this cat came to us, jumped up on a bench and just stayed there with us. And I had to scratch her face and head despite the fact that she probably carried like 42 different diseases. And she was cool with it but she had these weird moments, like she was sneezing but not really .. probably she is some sort of portal for the demons and with each “sneeze” she let a new visitor from the underworld pass through. And she was constantly pulling out her claws, like she was ready to kill but she wasn’t in the right mood. Weird.

And then a couple of days before I had a black kitten visitor at the same place. She wasn’t possessed that badly, I also took a billion pictures of her. And before that I had random cats everywhere in my life, on the streets, at people’s house, just cats, cats, cats, no one has a motherfucking DOG. And I love taking pictures and cats somehow manage to always look classy and graceful on my photos, so obviously I took like 45 terabytes of cat pictures already. And I upload some of them on my Instagram page, ‘cause people like cats, the “cats” hashtag has over 54 MILLION public posts already .. And then people start asking me with their funny voices “Oh, do you love cats too? Is that your cat? Where do you meet all these cats? Are these the only pussies you get?” (no, the last one is more like something I ask from myself ..)  .. And I keep telling them that I’m a dog person goddamit! This is a very important and personal detail and I just cannot allow the opposite to describe me! The universe’s fate depends on it! But noo, cats are still coming, I still take pictures of them and this endless cycle just goes on and on and on.. What if one day I’ll actually become a cat person?! What will happen then?? Who will take the responsibility for that? Hm? Cat owners? No, they are just gonna be happy I finally joined their club! Dog owners? They’ll never talk to me again! What will my life become then? Hm? Do you see now? Do you see how serious this is?!

So .. I made myself a Tumblr page .. Actually, I already had a Tumblr page, I just never had a reason to use it. But now I have, so I took my “old” page and changed some stuff .. like the header .. texts .. pictures, avatar, link, settings, password, security question, my blood type, THE COURSE OF HISTORY !! .. Emm, no, just the blog.

But I still have an issue (with this page, I have many issues otherwise). I don’t know how to Tumblr. I mean I never had anything to do with it ever, it was never part of my old-school “use paper to write your shit down” childhood (yes, I tend to use words labeled as “offensive”, like “shit” and “fuck” and “Pepe the frog”, so deal with it). I only know this place because of the screen shots I saw on Facebook and 9GAG with funny comments and funny replies to funny comments. So first, I have to figure things out.

But what IS Tumblr?

Apparently Tumblr is a blog of some sort, where some people post creative stuff and interesting stuff and pictures they took, while others just take these creative stuff and repost them and fill their page up with them and the whole thing becomes like a donation jar full with coins where the coins were taken from the owner but the owner is happy about it.

Dude, breathe ..

Okay ..

And if you’ll ever have like 4 followers in total in your Tumblr career you probably just offended all of them.

Probably... My Tumblr what??

Career. Dream big, man!

Okay, okay.

So, whatcha gonna do with your fresh .. Tumblr .. thing? Just stalk, or repost or maybe .. maaaaaybe write stuff?

I don’t know man, I think I wanna write stuff, but I don’t know what, I don’t live a blog-worthy life, I’m lazy af most of the times, but I still want to write, just don’t know whaaat ..

Breathe man! Breathe! Thaaaat’s it..

Hhhhh ..

Let’s just start focusing on your first post. What should it be?

Well, I have options here .. I could just post a probably copyrighted picture from Google, or write some lyrics, post a YouTube video of some sort .. 

Yeah, yeah, that sounds .. exiting!! *makes sarcastic “excitement” sound*

I know. Hmm .. Wait. I can write a post about the fact that I have no clue what to write!!

Sure, promote your lack of creativity, what a great way to start your journey!

No, not like that, you see, I’m having all these tiny ideas in my head, but they alone just don’t make a cool post, but if I glue these thoughts together somehow with the fact that I can’t really write an essay about them ...

You’re a mess...

... and THAN ...

... then*

.. I will have my first, original ..

Yeah, cause no-one ever did this before.

 .. post on the Tumblr!!! *pupils dilated to their absolute limits*

The fact that you call it “THE Tumblr” shows that you probably can’t even spell it out loud.

Dude, you’re dimming my shine ..

OH, there’s a shine now .. here comes the glasses and the scarf..

Could you just like .. shut up?

I can’t, I’m your subconsciousness, I evolved to protect you from danger and stupid decisions.

Oh, really? So where were you in the last decade?

...

...

Fuck you.

No, fuck you.

This post is a mess...