🌞🪻DUMPSTER🪻🌞

however, the reason that i like and desire the things that i do is because i was an abused child, and an abused teenager, and i was denied sexual autonomy from an incredibly young age. i was raped, groomed, and harassed/assaulted in various configurations from the time i was old enough to be a conscious person, all the way up until my late teenage years... and this manifested in me having sexual thoughts and feelings from a very young age that i could not understand, without any way to engage with them safely due to my youth and inexperience, which ultimately led me to even more dangerous relationships as i grew into my teens. now, as an adult, i like to play pretend that i am still at that young age, and still being abused in similar ways, BUT, instead of all that hurt and suffering, i get to explore those feelings safely because i'm playing with someone who i know respects me as a person, and will stop if i'm actually hurt/upset (my husband! obligatory: we are in a lesbian relationship<3).

now, not everyone who likes ageplay has some kind of awful excruciating past that they are relitigating on their own terms, and that's fine, i don't care why people like the things they like. you know? it would be weird for me to force everyone to justify themselves to me all the time. but, anecdotally, from being around this space for a while, it's a common pattern for people to have similar experiences to mine.

the thing is that ultimately, i am not 12, even though i prefer to call myself 12. the same is true of other adults who call themselves other, younger ages. i still have the life experience of an adult. a relationship with me is not actually inherently statutory rape (although i might falsely say that it is, if i'm with someone who thinks it's hot to play with me in that way). and that's the part that people think is gross - the playing. because they see me, an adult, saying "lalalala i'm 12 years old i like getting groomed by older rapey guys >_<" and my husband saying "hey margo i'm the older rapey guy! i'm gonna getcha!!" as being pedophilic, because it looks kind of like pedophilia and it makes them feel bad and weird...

but that's not what pedophilia is!! like, i actually think the word pedophilia is silly because the correct term for what people are referring to is csa (childhood sexual abuse), but either way csa is actually caused by the power structures that force children to be treated as property. most csa is committed by family members, and the csa that isn't is usually committed by people in a similar place of power over children in some form (religious authorities, teachers, childcare providers, etc). it's not because someone is a gross pedo who's snatching kids off the streets, it's because the abuser has the systemic power to treat a child as an object who doesn't have the ability to say "no."

on the other hand, everyone who is actually involved in my play fantasies is a consenting adult, who is aware of the risks involved, and who is playing a role to set up a scene. my husband has exactly as much power over me as i give to him. we are functionally equals outside of our kink relationship, and when we're playing kink scenarios with me being a little girl it's something that i consented to (and that i probably told him in advance i thought i would like!), i can make him stop at any time, and he does not hold actual factual systemic power over me the way that a real adult does over a real child.

so you would think it's obvious that ageplay and similar kinks are not the same as actual csa at all, even if they recreate some of those dynamics in a faux environment, because. there are no actual children involved!! however many MANY people have trouble with this concept because they look at it and they go eww this makes me feel yucky and gross because it LOOKS kind of like csa, and it can sometimes explore the themes of csa... so if you like it you're probably a disgusting person who loves csa, and you should probably die also. (all things that have been said in my presence before... sometimes by people who generally have nuanced, thought-out opinions!)

needless to say, it feels. very bad. to be accused of such things. especially when i am a victim of the real life analogues that theyre invoking to make me seem extra evil and disgusting! in fact, it caused me to spend literal years of my life hurting and punishing myself for having desires that i thought were "wrong and gross"... i feel much safer among the people who like to play with me, even when they're playing "dangerous" or "scary" roles, than i EVER felt among the people who spent so long talking about "protecting victims from the evil pedophiles" while completely misunderstanding the sociological causes of csa. those people were never actually trying to protect ME, even though i was a victim of actual irl csa, but rather they were actually trying to police my thoughts and desires based off of what they thought i "should" want.

the people who think this way base their morals off of how things make them feel instead of the reality of the situation (so, disliking ageplay because it "feels like" pedophilia even though, in reality, no children are actually being harmed or abused). but that's not how morality should work! if you care about preventing csa, then you should actually be focused on youth liberation, reducing the rights of parents to treat their children as property, and championing the rights of children to be treated as people with their own autonomy. you should NOT be concerned with "2 adults having a sexy roleplay life that i think is gross" >_>

final thoughts - it's OK to think ageplay is gross for you personally. i understand why many people feel that way. but the thing is that your opinion should be your problem and not my problem. i don't need to be moralized to about it, i don't need to be punished for your failure to understand me, i don't need you to prioritize your kneejerk disgust over my value as a human being... the solution is for you to say that ageplay is a hard boundary for you, and maybe block the tags/blogs that are crossing your feed if they're upsetting you. but getting actually angry with ageplayers is like. going to the theater and getting angry at an actor because their character shot someone and gun violence is Bad and Wrong.

I even did a painting of it

Read PQ Angels

PQ Angels was serialized in Nayakoshi Magazine (the same magazine that ran Sailor Moon) from September to December of 1997. It was Naoko Takeuchi’s first major production after the end of Sailor Moon. Unfortunately, only the first four chapters were published before Kodansha LTD (the company that publishes Nakayoshi) lost Takeuchi’s manuscripts. Understandably upset by this, Takeuchi dropped PQ Angels and even discontinued releasing her work through Kodansha for a period of several years. As a result, PQ Angels ended with no actual conclusion to the story ever made. Unfortunately, it’s probably safe to assume that Takeuchi won’t pick the series up again. It’s a real shame, because out of all of her unfinished works, I felt like this one by far had the most potential.

11 YEARS LATER, YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT AFTER ALL THAT SHIT JUST TO FUCK HIS SISTER, SHE THEN GOES AND CHEATS ON HIM?