murder your memory

i could never get a botox because i love looking at people with a frown & disgusted look

bro we have to shotgun the weed. its not gay its just financially smart to do it. we get twice the value out of weed. come on just kiss me

it's a 2-for-1 deal dude I promise I won't moan this time!!

Edging him until he’s completely delirious and when you tell him to “say the magic words” he accidentally says “I love you”

Doctors are like: ughhhhh. You're confusing. Come back if you die

"Is squirt pee" brother who CARESSSSSS. Worst case scenario u made a woman feel so good she pissed herself how is that a net negative to your image

anyway, [peels a mandarin and gives u half]

im the first person to hate on peoples annoying boyfriends but i do find it so human that even the most deeply mediocre people can be objects of real love. like omggg cupid got you so bad its not even your fault you look at jason like he hung the moon. you guys should break up though yeah

all those posts about being vulnerable are just trying to trick me to come out there so a bird can swoop down & eat me