Long Road Ahead

Fear can either keep you away from growth or help you grow. You are the only one that can chose to either overcome said fear or let it consume you.

My fear of heights comes from mistrust towards people. I am afraid people are gonna jump off or the whole thing would just crumble and fall.

I spent years afraid of myself, afraid of my own head, but 2020-2021 as painful as they were (are) are so necessary for me to grow out of that fear. I was bullied everyday, told everyday that anything that mattered to me, the things I like to do were useless and worthless. I internalized it as “do the right thing, find a responsible job, don’t just be an artist, artists don’t do shit. You’ll never make it. Have you seen yourself, why would anybody want to see that.” For years, I told that to myself and heard it only secured that idea in my head that I had no right to speak or create because it’s so useless. It’s so meaningless.

Yet, I’ve now been in school for 5 years trying to find my thing, and I just like art and talking. I always come back to art and communication. In an ideal world, I would work in social media. May it be for brands (which is the safer bet) or for myself. It’s not a thing of riches and fame, it’s a thing of I need a platform to be able to breathe whatever happens. Like, I don’t care about money I’ve been poor all of my life, and that doesn’t scare me for shits. What scares me is losing myself again for the comfort of others.

I’ve done it. I am still finding myself and cleaning up the mess of so many years of abuse from left an right.

Episode 3821305729387467290 of my sexual confusion.

I despise men. I truly do. I expect trash. Nothing more. I hope you won’t live up to that expectation and actually commit a crime on me but statistics just aren’t anybody’s favor here.

I grew up with ultra feminist parents, like women are goddesses, men are supposed to kinda serve them. But you know, yay equality I guess.

I am not saying a gender is better then another myself, but I see what they meant by that. Women have more challenges to face in order to ever gain the same success as a man would, which forces growth and improvement. 

I am obviously generalizing, but I still think you can understand that point.

Women are not necessarily better (my years of being bullied by exclusively girls show that), but the good eggs are fucking goddesses. 

Aka, women scare me cause, I ain’t worthy, but I sure deserve better than wishing not to get raped by my male partner. 

Yeah, here is the rest of the story on my bedroom situation back when I was 15-16.

Once I actually had room, my room was the only access to the basement,the side door, the pantry and over half my mother’s husband’s closet. Oh, and the wall connected to the family room was a curtain. 

My boyfriend at the time was my neighbor so... damn right I snuck out. pfff. 

I had no intimacy in that house, like ever. And I am a person that has a bubble as big as the universe. 

Great parenting. I say that because a year after I moved out, it had a real wall, and was no longer connected to any other room. Same thing with the dishwasher, she got it when I moved out. Like I was leaving on Saturday, and it was setup on Friday.

I bring you back to September 2014, my mom had just met her, now dead husband (RIP), and she was spending all the time at his house. 

Our house was in the city, about an hour from his house, and I was sick of spending all my time home alone or hanging out with my friends in town, so I decided to go with them for the week. 

I obviously didn’t have my own room yet, (more on that later), so I slept in the guest room. Said guest room was upstairs in lieu of a landing. I know, super intimate. It was the main access from the apartment upstairs and the unit where “we” were staying at. 

Excuse my memory, because I don’t remember the exact timeline. I don’t even remember how many nights I spent in that bedroom. It doesn’t really matter but for the ones of you that want all the details, I just don’t got them. 

Here is all that I remember from the room: I obviously felt starred at, duh. I didn’t feel welcome. Like at all. I still with to bed, as you would, and I felt something sit on the end of the bed, almost on my feet, like a cat (no, we didn’t have one), and a bit later, the radio randomly blasted weird shit, random channel, I just unplugged it, it was all good and dandy after that. Woke up the next day, did stuff (school tbh), nothing followed me or whatever. Another night, something slid next to me in bed, I honestly thought I was just dreaming it for a hot minute, turns out nope, and my ass wasn’t touching the wall (I was 15 you creep, nobody was in bed with me, duh), but there was someone with me in the bed. I tried to just go back to sleep, and I later felt a cold hand on my cheek, thought it would be mine, it wasn’t. Nothing was visibly touching me. The last thing from that I remember from that room, could be sleep paralysis, something was either choking me or sitting on my chest, I couldn’t take air out, only in, even that barely. I shook out of it and just went downstairs at 5:45 am, in shock. 

My mother’s man then told me about the history of the room. Five men had committed suicide in that room. 4 via hanging and 1 by a bullet to the head. He knew there had been activity in the room and had it exorcised multiple times (they all failed, as you might have noticed) and four of the men stuck there had been talked too by different professionals, one of them always remained quiet. He had been told all of the talkative spirits were all just stuck in a loop. 

That last one had a nick for me apparently. I stayed home in the city for the remaining time between that chocking incident and when we finally moved in November.

Let’s talk about my new favourite tiktok trend: being feminine the way boys are.

From as far as I can remember, feminity has always been a weird thing in my life. If I am too feminine, ie sexy, I am placing a target on my back for anyone to see and take advantage of. If I am too masculine, I am not attractive anymore. 

Within girl groups, there is always that bitch nobody likes but she is like a natural leader, I don’t care to know why at this point, that would challenge the heck out of my feminity. Anytime I would wear a skirt or something, “oh, you trying to get (blank)’s attention”, like no bitch, I felt cute, lemme be. Like I am a tall naturally muscular girl, aka smol guy sized, so if I wear like a flannel, apparently I look like a dude, and so that was the school joke, like “is it a she or a him?” (she/they fyi).

Anything I liked about my physical appearance or character as a person was weaponized against me every fucking minute. 

Guys didn’t give a flying fuck, like yeah, I am kinda one of the guys, but I still look good though, so like we good on that front ya know.

Long story short, I have a hard time being comfortable with my feminity, it’s not that I don’t identify as a woman, it’s just that socially feminity is not encouraged. 

Any softness or cuteness is just taken advantage of. So I became somewhat of a pick me girl. I am not proud, but I gotta recognized it happened.

Ouf. I know, the year isn’t even over yet, but so much has happened. Obviously on a social and political level, but also we collectively had to stop and put everything on hold. So many of us have finally had to take the time to deal with our own bullshit and figure our shit out. Which is great... but not really. But like, heavy as fuck... but like required and fucking needed.

And all I really can talk about regarding mental health, is my own experience... So yeah, I am queer, but I don’t know what kind of queer.

Back in January, I saw the cutest girl (woman, I am not a creep, well, I hope, I think... I didn’t talk to her so... anyways), and just put that on the back burner, like, don’t be gay, don’t look at the gay, no gay in this house...

Well, miss rona rolls around, and welp, yeah you gay fuck how you doin’... You know in Big Mouth the puberty monster... Well, I present you the gay one, that bitch sucks. Legit, everyday you put everything in question.

I have never identified as straight, I knew that much, but I didn’t think I was a lesbian... and the manifesto didn’t help. I am at the point where the best thing I can say is I don’t fucking know. 

Because, I have the, like my legs go a little numb and shit, with guys and girls, but in different situations. Like, guys it’s more after the first time they talk to me and like I know they’re into me, I get a little dumb dumb, but girls it’s straight up they do a random thing that just, duh ya know, kills my brain, and gets me the answer to do I wanna be her or be with her?

So, like all summer, I’ve been going back and forth with that. Also, I my ex was abusive peace of shit so, trauma sweetie, and I hadn’t dealt with that like, at all, and I finally had the time to do so, I now can picture myself with a man again... But I came out as a lesbian, like, yeah, I don’t fucking know man.

Just this week okay; I know that I just don’t want to get married, ever, I am not like that, and I have very strong boundaries, because of years of abuse and intimidation and manipulation, you name it, been there done that. Also, most of my bullies were girls, and the way girls bully is so personal and hurtful that even though I love girls, I know I couldn’t open up as much as I’d like to in a romantic relationship. Like yeah, guys have done bad shit to me too, but guys expect you to open yourself up and be vulnerable, and the actually good ones don’t take advantage of that and I have been pretty close to that. The only girl I have actually “dated” just threw me under the bus when her boyfriend found out and I fucking got sent to the ER over it... I just no. Nope. I- no. Like, I can be a woman when I am with a guy, but with a girl, I got to be “the man” or I am gonna get killed. Okay, a lil intense but you get it.

Oh and you know, I might be genderqueer, I, once again, have been bullied a lot and I now experience gender dysphoria because of it and not that long ago, I just didn’t want to be referred to as a woman, not a man either but, not a woman, it was really fucking bad, and I really love the pronouns she/they. So, yeah. just, ah-

I love being online and doing videos and shit like that, but this year has been so deep, like just early 20′s figuring shit out, it’s just hard to be happy go lucky with all that in the background.

I still fucking know nothing though. I mean I am aware of more, unfolding shit and trauma, but that’s it.

That was my 2020.

This one, I didn’t write about first because it isn’t the most inspiring one to me, but the very fucking obvious one.

I am from the East Coast, and I have never seen the Prairies or the West Coast, so I wanna drive across them...

And then go down to the US, and hit the first trip.

I know, not that fascinating, but good enough.

Canada is the most gorgeous country anyways so, we wont get bored.

I know, I know, my last post was also my “first trip”, but I just, think I could do it all in one... Yeah, I know, it’s a lot.

Anyways, if like me, you are not american, the Ivy League seems absolutely crazy. Just like american patriotism. Let’s not get political... I am a nerd, and I wanna at least see every Ivy League Campus and buy a fucking sweater. I already started with Harvard in Boston, that’s just 7 left. Some of them are already in cities I will hit on the Route, but others are just along the road because they are all in New England/North Eastern US. Being a Quebecer, I’ll have to go home at some point ya know, so driving through New England is goddamn realistic.

(pic credit)

Also, I mean, Gossip Girl anyone??? Just Saying.

Hi, I decided to write about all the trips I wanna do, but can’t.

First chapter: Kirouac’s Route.

If you have read On The Road, you know what I am talking about, if not let me tell ya a lil story.

A young Jack living in Brooklyn meets Neal Moriarty, an attractive young man addicted to travelling and other things... Basically, they hit the road, hitchhiking across and around the country (US) living crazy shit and seeing crazier ones. This book was the first novel I read that wasn’t the regular jizz like twilight and stuff, and it really made me see life differently, and so I need to experience it.

I wont be hitchhiking for obvious reasons (hello womanhood and child) but I do wanna drive across the US following a similar route. 

(pic credit) 

Because this was all done during the late 40′s I don’t even know if all the cities still exist, or even if there are roads to get there, anyways, 

After a very long time away from here, I am back. 

I have talked about it multiple times around social media, but I don’t think I really have here. Basically, I wanna work my ass off to make my life the one I wanna live, not the one I should, according to somebody else’s book. 

I am in cegep, a full time student, and I do like what I am doing, but knowing I could do something else or even, all the things that I like in one... I am also a single mom, and I wanna show to my daughter what living an happy and truthful life is like. I am hungry for life and experiencing humanity, take my own bite out of the world. I refuse to listen to anyone who tells me I dream to big, I know I have something to offer to this world.

I spent my life pushed in corners, and there is no fucking way it’s happening again. I moved so many times, I barely even know what home feels like. I just know the world around me is beautiful.

So, I decided I would do everything in my power to start globe trotting, aka starting with finally taking driver’s ed (if I can cause covid) and getting a passport for my daughter (in due time, I know, pandemic and shit, hopefully, it isn’t forever). 

I have grown a lot this year, and I am not done. Hell nah. I am even more sexually confused than I was back in the day (if possible), and gender identity, it’s kind of insane. 

Long story short, I am rebranding, and engage myself into being more active on socials, may it be here or on others. 

So please, come or go follow me other places, and follow me on this long road that’s called life.

Youtube

Instagram

I know, I am basically gone from here. I just don’t play the sims anymore. 

This summer, a lot of beautiful things happened to me. I finally came out and taking the time to accept myself. 

I know that I still have a long way to go, but I know and recognize a lot more about myself than I did before than the pandemic. 

I’ve gone back to my stage roots, playing around with drag (listen, I am a single mom that studies full time, a bitch ain’t got time for performing, at least for now and then pandemic, so I just foul around my house in drag), and for once, after a very long time, I finally can say that I, at least, like myself. 

I have been very present on tiktok and impatiently waiting for my dad to give me my camera back.

I am very lonely though, like everyone else, and now that I am out, I wanna go to bars.

Anyways, this account will stay up, if you like anything that I did on here.