Sincerely, Pam

I have been living in fear of explosive outbursts for as long as I can remember and it’s all because of you. It always feels like walking on a path of thin ice and my feet are just as fragile as the surface that I am stepping upon. It's so hard to understand where you’re coming from especially when your perspective is made up of blind rage. I am sorry if I am running out of ways to let this pass but I hope you also realize that I can only do and take so much.

They don't tell you about the ugly phase that comes before growth. They don't tell you that at some point in your life, you're going to find yourself in the middle of an empty road wondering how you got there in the first place.

They don't tell you about the possible roadblocks that you will have to face alone. Not even a word of warning. They don't tell you about the possibility of living a life that your old self never wished for, or doing things you never thought you would do.

They don't tell you about what it's like to be overwhelmed with life, to lose your balance, to feel like you lack of meaning and a sense of purpose, to reach the point of a total burnout.

They don't tell you about how the world seems to get more complicated as you grow older. They just expect you to keep your head above water amid the chaos and you're gonna have to figure out how to do that on your own.

They don't tell you about the part where you lose the important people in your life—from cutting off friendships to ending relationships. They don't tell you about the things that can change overnight, the plans that may never happen, or life's little rain checks.

They don't tell you about the broken dreams and the sudden change of course. They don't tell you what you should do after realizing the fact that sometimes, loving what you do is not enough to be good at it.

They don't tell you these and 1000 other things because that's just how it works. You will need to experience everything firsthand. You will need to see things from your own window. You will need to grip your steering wheel. You will need to understand what it truly means to grow.

But what wise old people often tell us is the beauty that comes after growth. They tell us about how amazing life turns out when you just keep going. They tell us that what we consider as an "ugly phase" is a prerequisite for healing, recovery, and a wonderful new beginning.

And then you learn. You begin to understand that everything has a way of working out in the end. You learn that you are a work in progress just like everyone around you and it's still a long way ahead.

It eventually wilted and had me wonder why wouldn’t it live when I had given more than enough

From that moment on, I began to realize when to stop giving

I never imagined that we will reach this point. I was proud of our friendship because I have always thought that it was built in the foundation of trust and loyalty. So many people are looking for the kind of friendship that I thought we already had. But as it turned out, what we were and what we had are nowhere near to what most people are searching for.

We created our circle during the time when we all wanted the same things, when all we wanted to do was have fun, when all we thought about was ourselves and how the people outside our circle see us, when all we did was enjoy the present and not care about what the future holds for all of us. We were young, carefree, and we felt limitless.

But that’s the problem. The only common thing we have left that connects us all is the past and right now, we are in different seasons of life. Some of us are craving for a fresh start. We no longer have the same outlook on life, we're not on the same page anymore, we all want different things, and our priorities just don't meet. One left the hometown, one stopped studying, one just got a job, one is barely surviving, one is just figuring out what they really want, and the rest just want to party and pretend they’re not ready to mature. The thing is, everything is changing and we have different ways of coping up. And because we were all so busy growing up, we never noticed that we were also drifting apart. How did we miss that?

For the past months, I felt like I am gradually outgrowing our friendship. I was moving forward way too fast and none of you seem to keep up with my pace. I thought I was just being three steps ahead. For a moment, I stopped there to wait but when I looked back, none of you were there and that’s when I realized that I lost all of you. There could only be two explanations for that, either I was too absorbed about my progress that I unknowingly left you all behind, or you all saw me running ahead but none of you bothered to go after me.

Whichever of the two, I am now making a choice. I am going to continue to grow and run but I am not stopping this time. The barriers of the road, the wounds and bruises I may get if I ever trip, the strangers I may bump into, these things will sure come. And by doing this, I am preparing myself for the possible roadblocks that I may have to face alone.

It’s not really about who you have known the longest. Sometimes, you meet people for the first time and you’ll know right at the moment that they’ll be worth keeping for a lifetime. Remember, a withered plant has known sunlight for too long but it was the sudden shower of rain that brought it back to life.

The worst kind of hurting is the one that comes with silence. It’s in those moments where you drown yourself in the total nothingness of the atmosphere, where you find yourself passing beyond your usual breaking point, where words become useless and quietness becomes defeaning. It is an inexplicable type of pain that isolates your mind, body, and soul from the rest of the world.

Reminiscing your childhood is like thinking about the bittersweet memory of a first love. It is the type of closure that almost none of us has seem to move on from. It is the kind of “goodbye” that we never saw coming— and one that we were never ready to let go of.

Have you tried to wonder if the moon is ever jealous of the sun? Most people prefer to always cry their hearts out during the night and just sleep throughout the day. The moon has always been present to all our sufferings, it witnesses a lot of ugly tears, it listens when nobody is there to listen but most especially, it comforts the broken ones. When we wake up the next morning, we thank the sun for shining on us again and for giving us another day. But we always forget to thank the moon for keeping us company during our sunless hours. 

And the thing is, it’s just as worse as being remembered by people only when it is convenient for them.

I have decided to write this letter to remind myself that once in my life, I came across a point where my heart was full of hope to receive the kind of love that I have always dreamed about.

I just want you to know that from this very moment, I made a promise to myself that the only time I would settle down and get married is when I finally picture myself doing grocery shopping with that person for the rest of my life. As funny as that may sound, being with me comes with counting on little precious things. Like making me laugh on a gloomy weather because I get lonely on sunless days, leaving me with handwritten notes because I am such an old soul, creating a playlist of laid-back and country songs to make me calm, being fond of dogs and cats, giving me some freshly picked wildflowers, or just random things that don’t involve huge spending.

I spent many nights praying for you. I talked to God about you. I did not ask for a perfect man, but I sure did ask him to give me someone that I will never get tired of choosing. Someone who will accept me just as I am, to love me at my worst as much as he loves me at my best, and to build a home with.

Maybe five to ten years from now we are already together. Maybe you’re spending a lovely Valentine’s Day with someone right now as I type this letter. Maybe we’ve known each other since then and we had no idea that we would end up together. Maybe you’re lying awake in your bed at this exact moment and praying for me too. Or maybe not. The thing is I could go on guessing possible scenarios that you might be into right now but none of it will even be remembered by the time you find this letter by chance.

I think it’s sad when people always expect the person they love to return the same amount of energy they give. It is in times like this when loving becomes more of an obligation rather than a choice. We could dare ourselves to break some bones, carry the weight of the world, cross multiple bridges, go for a swim in the deepest ocean, or fall from the highest cliff and we could still be rejected regardless of our willingness to do almost anything for that one person. Truth is, it’s no longer about measuring how far could you go nor how much could you give, but it all boils down to how they would want to accept the love that you offer. Unconditional love should require no validation, you simply give what you think is best for that person. But just because you’re giving your best shot doesn’t mean you’re already fulfilling their needs, because the heart wants what it wants. You can’t just decide to stop loving them immediately and they can’t just decide to open their heart to you in a snap, either. You cannot force the sun to set in the east the same as you cannot drill love into the wrong hands.

I am sorry for not defending you. People often tell you that you’re either being too much or giving too little of yourself and I actually started to believe their words too. Whenever they tell you to shut up and make you feel selfish for choosing to speak up your mind, I always tell you to hold back whatever thought you have at the back of your mind. I have spent too much time trying to please them without realizing that you were gradually losing pieces of yourself in the process.

I am sorry for torturing you mentally. You have been so used to pain and unhappy endings so when something good finally happens, I always try to make you remember that everything has an expiration date, even hope. I always force you to jump into the same conclusion instead of just letting you do things freely while hoping that they will not end up as bad as you think they would.

I am sorry for not saving you. I was aware when the demons under your bed were slowly crawling up in your head but I didn’t do anything about it. I saw the shadows that follow you everywhere but I didn’t even try to drive them away.  I witnessed how you’ve gone through the worst days of your life, I knew how it felt when you were slowly being swallowed by the black hole that has been lurking inside every part of you, but I didn’t stop it either.

I am sorry for not checking up on you every now and then. I taught you to bottle up everything inside because things will be easier that way. I made you think that opening up yourself to people will only result to getting them hurt and I know you wouldn’t want that to happen. I always tell you that you shouldn’t let your walls down and that you should never let people see how fragile you are because you are their support system. I became too interested in other’s feelings more than yours. And because I can’t accept the fact that you are no longer whole, that you are probably more broken than everyone else, I forced you into believing that you could pull yourself together because you need to be strong.

You think everyone has the same heart as yours. 

You give every piece of yourself hoping they would do the same for you. 

But they didn’t. They won’t. 

So, you promise yourself that you will no longer be the same person as you were yesterday. 

Until you see that one person again and all you could ever do is watch every single wall you have built as they slowly crumble right in front of your eyes. 

There are days when all I can think about is packing my bags, leaving this place, and running away from literally everything. I’d like to taste the idea of being far away and never coming back. I’d like to know how it’s like to be lost in a small town where nobody knows even the slightest hint of my identity. I want to see how my life would be without anyone telling me how it should be done.