M

Searching desperately for connection, where the fuck are you?

Your eyes are everything to me, they reveal something deeper and reflect emotions I know it’s hard for you to show. You look down to me, and lock eyes with mine, and slowly but then all at once I am washed over with this overwhelming feeling of understanding and unity. I can’t look away, and as I fall deeper in, your eyes widen, your mouth slowly opens and occasionally under your breath you mutter “wow” like I was the most precious thing you’d ever laid those captivating brown eyes on. Lost in one another, I feel a connection I’ve never felt to anything or anyone. When you look at me, I feel at home, when you touch my face or run your hand through my hair, press your forehead up to mine, grab my hips, pull me closer with those eyes always drilling into everything I thought I knew before it shatters into nothingness, and kissing me softly, I feel comfortable like this is how it’s suppose to be, this who I’m suppose to be with. Then one day, you looked at me with eyes empty of any life, the rich brown colour melting away, and I recognized right away what addiction was taking over your life. What’s taken over mine, many times before. You look down to me, mouth in a straight line, and your hollow eyes are quickly flooded with emotions of anger, jealously, self-loathing, and agony - I search desperately, trying to look deeper into you like I once could trying to find that connection, I mean... it’s not something you can just lose right? I soon realized you didn’t want to be found, you learned to love the feelings and wear it like a shield, never having to explain to anyone, because in those moments you were truest to yourself, and as much as it’s effected the people in your life, you shouldn’t have to feel guilty for that but you do, and lock who you are away, in fear of hurting those closest to you, again. Hurting me again - it doesn’t have to be like this

He deserves better - you know it.

What have you done?

I feel like my heart, my soul, will always be restless, and never be rested. My heart has gone through enough pain, my soul, enough torment. I’m worn out, I’ve had enough. I feel like I’ve lived a 100 different lives, in a 100 different way. I feel like I was once connected to everything, but now I feel like I’m connected to nothing, there’s this sinking feeling within my stomach, a hole, for I found something real and managed to lose it. I am just roaming this earth aimlessly now, no purpose, no reason, just existing. Maybe once I was happy, when my soul was new, but I look into the mirror now, and see old, melancholy eyes, hiding its age behind a youthful face.