they don't tell you this but if ur really lonely for a long time, a hole starts forming in ur heart and the longer u feel lonely the bigger the hole gets and it doesn't matter if u feel less lonely when ur older bc the hole stays forever and ur life just grows around it. But the hole is always there.

its also this thing of like. i can change my perspective on anything if i want to. coworkers talking about things i have 0 interest in? i'm here as an anthropologist now. but there comes a point at which its like... how much is it worth the effort to be quiet and learn in some of these situations. when do i start standing firm on who i am and voicing an opinion (not that i've ever moved on an opinion to placate a coworker, i just usually say nothing). mind you none of its serious shit. its just like people talking about going to mcdonalds and buying stuff from hobby lobby and amazon and their streaming subscriptions and the only contributions i would have to half of those conversations is "i'm boycotting them. did you know that company did xyz. yeah i just pirate and steal" etc etc. or it'll be conversations about what people read and watch and its the most marvel-esque slop and i'm sitting there being open minded knowing damn well there's not a single redeeming thing in it for me other than "this person i know likes it." its weird. its isolating. when do i stop isolating myself just to make others comfortable? even when i'm as careful as possible and dress the things i have to say up in plenty of "oh i see where your coming from" and "i just don't think it's for me" and other such padding to let people know i'm not trying to put them down the conversation stops dead in its tracks as soon as i say what i think (usually a positive comment about something thats gone unmentioned in the conversation). my god!! open your hearts to something different!! i'm reaching all the way out to you!! we are both people!! i'm done being a dog and i'm not trying to make you one either!! come play with me and be wild and free and fucking feel something new!! i'm done being quiet!! i want to live on purpose!!

the ending of supernatural will always be the cruelest thing to me because you take dean and give him a glimpse of the love he had been craving for his whole life, this closeness he was longing for, coming from the one who had seen the worst and the best of him, the one who understood him like no one else and then you take it away from him and then you take dean and you give him a glimpse of freedom and normalcy, a chance to make castiel's sacrifice count, a life away from hunting and the paranormal a life that was his to live, his to choose a path AND THEN YOU TAKE IT AWAY FROM HIM TOO, and suddenly all his suffering meant nothing because he was born to be a loser in the cosmic game of the universe, isn't it the cruelest thing you have ever seen?

i actually love the idea of cas being enamored by dean from the start but he only starts to show it once his true form and his vessel start becoming the same and he starts to feel :(