journey hard

I presently have huge hurdles to overcome in life, and my inconsistency in perception of myself, of my values, in conjunction of where the world is heading, I have a reeling sense of apathy, a habit of repression and distraction. In fact, I bet a lot of people can relate to that, if they would subject themselves to a mere moment of awareness and honesty. So many times in life I have thought “I wish I didn’t feel anything, I wish I was numb”. But lately, I am happy that I have always been a feeler as much as an analytic. I am happy to ALSO be able to feel joy when it comes, or gratitude, or peace. I’ll take those emotions with sad and disconnect, because it’s human, because it’s worth it. If I were numb, I wouldn’t be here for myself, and therefore anyone else. A part of me feels like I am letting the path unfold for me, pointing the flashlight at the ground in front of me, instead of trying to point it ahead where there is no end, no resolution, just a daunting fuzz of the unknown. This is just a vent that airs on possibility of positivity with a rim salted with darkness.

I am also just as scared… To have the floor drop from under my feet. To not really know where I’m going next, and if it’s worth it to go anywhere else anyway. Where I’ll put all my things. Who will hold me when I cry. How long before I can go a day without crying. Where I will live. How will I live. Where will I make enough money to at least survive. Where I can find a place to not just live, but thrive, like I so desire. 

a snack size Hershey’s square

Second grade I always won a few ceramic awards. I know I made a Cat-Dog ceramic, and another winner for Easter. It was a bunny in a half egg shell. Third grade I remember winning a Creative Essay. I’m not sure it was a contest, but it was such a great story, they had me on the schools news channel to read it live. I remember being so nervous, not being able to read it fully. I’d give anything to read that story today. I remember being inspired by a cartoon pictures of a basset hound and another animal, and creating a story where they teamed up and took on an adventure. Also in third grade, I pinched a girls butt in line from lunch back to class. I thought she was my friend, but she didn’t think it was funny, and she told the teacher on me. Fourth grade I had hairy legs and my mom wouldn’t let me shave, even though other girls did. I remember having my boobs starting to come in, and I had a sorry excuse of a bra that was thin silk and was essentially a small crop tank top. It did nothing for support. When I finally started to develop my tits in my later years, when I considered them to be “droopy”, I blamed my having a bad bra that I wore until middle school. Fifth grade I accredit my finding of personality and humor to my friend Kala Lopez. She was picked on a lot because she was nerdy looking, with high waisted Bermuda khakis and big, circular lenses for glasses on her face. She was intelligent and witty. She helped me be the silly me I always was. She was probably my real first friend. My first bra was in sixth grade, a hot pink push up bra. Not sure who’s idea it was. I wasted my artistic talent in sixth and seventh grade to scratch in Chorus, to be with my best friend. I finally made it to Art 3D in eighth grade. I thrived in this class. By high school I was emo. I lived online, making online friends, online profiles, constantly listening to music, as much as I could, to be cool, and to be sad. The sadder the better. 

But I am getting side tracked. I am just feeling a huge disconnect because our relationship right now is super over sexualized and I don’t feel the same but I am saying I do and at first I thought it made sense to but now it’s showing how serious Dan is about all the things we talk about and I could be ostracizing it in my head because the rate at which we are doing things are high because he’s not here and he is very unhappy with where he currently is and this set up has him finding release but I wish we could find another kind of release because this isn’t natural to me and just feels like a giant distraction for him and sometimes people just need to “go through what the go through” and stop running and feel it and change what they feel like, instead of drowning it out with porn links and sexy outfits and my cumming. SIGH.

i forgot all the words i had before, though i pictured them right here as the first two lines of this entry oh, it was something like when it’s too late, thats when it will matter because that’s human instinct, that’s the world system and no preventions, just pardons  just hopes that the pieces of the puzzle you were warned would fall off the table that you might find them all again and have the time and strength to put it together again i remember a time when i was on the opposite end of our solar system i wanted more of me and less of you, now i’m begging for you to even notice my orbit around you, my sun, i’ve abandoned myself for you while i’m your only moon you’ve got dozens of stars, planets, suns, all in your system i’m not sure what i’m trying to say, i’m tired there’s a widening hole, i feel, an abyssal black hole the moonlight widens your eyes, in my absence  maybe you’re seeing what i saw all along i don’t want to see it anymore it doesn’t really matter, all that does, is to hold it together today, tonight, until it’s too heavy that’s how all things break when it’s too late

i think, now, maybe... it’s a chance to be new i see myself dwelling in a home i can make my own i can cook every meal i can meditate, i can move my body take yoga classes i can sun bathe i can talk to my plants, maybe even learn about them i can paint the walls, i can decorate the place into my own haven a sanctuary there a movies to be watched books to be read friends and family to call i plan to buy a bike, too and all the while, i keep in touch with my baby while he does what he has to do i’ll be there for him when he can come home i shouldn't be a baby about it millions of people are experiencing what i am, what i’m about to isolation, being away from loved one(s) but we will all come out greater and stronger on the other side blessed to be where i am, and blessed to be where i’m going this has been a addy & coffee cocktail of an entry heres to the unknown, just as it has always been heres to finding and depositing joy in the spaces we can become aware of

a time of uncertainty to paint a picture, the time of day is one in the afternoon in a very colorful, unique and splendid hotel in downtown Houston Dan is talking about rebar on the phone the rest of the world is talking about the current pandemic  we’ve got people on far ends of the spectrum people like my best friend Nick, who could never be bothered, even in a world wide crisis then people I see in real life in the grocery stores, the ones who seem to have got no mind at all - they scurry, unaware of their distance, unaware of their actions - those are the people who are trying to the hardest to avoid illness and have the highest probability of contracting the virus interesting how life works i’m hovering somewhere in the middle, that’s kind of where Dan is, too although, it’s a tearing situation, because inside of me i do not agree with the president, or any large conglomerate organizations, because they speak from a place of money, and not from a place of heart or reason dan is devote to the president, i admire his patriotism, because for him i know it boils down to having something to hold steadfast and believe in, almost like religion i fall in the basket of hopefulness, but preparedness, and always sanitizing-ness i sit here clicking at my keyboard, sitting with my back pressed against the wall, bum flesh to a flimsy but sufficing yoga mat i got at Target a few days ago, out of necessity naturally, to continue my physical and spiritual practice one thing i am grateful for right now, out of the many things i could list, is my relationship to Me Ryin, another good friend of mine, created a yogic challenge that is thirty days long because i aim to support my favorite people, and because i love yoga, and because i felt obligated to, and because i knew i’d be held accountable, i chose to partake in this challenge, with great joy, but i will note, apprehension apprehension because, to start anything, is great courage, daring discipline, conscious commitment i will admit, the first few days i was sluggish, i certainly didn’t give it my all i skimmed her videos and ended sooner then i should, but i played along as far as posting mini videos, pictures but then, a craving came about me, and a realization this is what i’ve needed; accountability, and a returning to a closeness to my yogi soul i set an alarm to go off every night at 7:25pm that says “do yoga!”  i made time, and incrementally, naturally, as i took time to breathe more, to “just be” more, is when i first noticed the desire to make more time here i am, its day 12 of 30, and I'm grateful to have a feeling of happiness, knowing my practice waits for me i’m grateful too, that i am here with the one i love most, Dan we certainly have our differences, but one of our strongest binds in our relation to one another, is a cocktail of acceptance and openness and, perhaps, forgiveness  there aren't grudges, only communication - even if delayed, because we are human, and i am most human, so it seems i can't put it past him that he has emotions i love him for everything that he is, and who he is has lived and walked a path that was designed a certain way, one i couldn't understand, but i can appreciate him as a product of his experiences  i know he finds the same light in me, despite my sad and insecure programming, he helps me rewire, and i do in him, too i admire his will and energy to work, to stay focused he is sitting at the desk in the hotel room making calls, doing math, writing up papers, sending emails, because nothing stops him he is a remarkable man to have come into my life i did ask the universe for a mentor, a role model, as a lover, and i have received this gift over a year ago i am grateful to live in a country where freedom is still ultimately here, even during a pandemic, there is still choice at least today, this Tuesday freedoms are incrementally being removed, for the greater good, i feel we all need to stay home it would be bizarre for the entire US to be on lock-down, because maybe that is going against the constitution the government goes against it often i’ve heard, but it would be direct and evident that they are, to say “no freedom” i can’t imagine living as Italy is right now, everyone inside, people on their balconies communicating and even eventing, playing concerts, making friends here i am in the year 2020 a twenty-seven year old, relatively attractive and in shape, white women, whimsical, mindful, and going with the flow, with many opportunities surrounding her i am blessed to be alive, to have my health, to see another day, to have family and friends that are healthy it will be interesting to see what the world, and the US brings to the table for solutions what i look forward to today: being here in this space with Dan, doing a live virtual yoga class at 4pm on Facebook with Belinda, all the way from new zealand, getting take out for dinner, then dressing up for Dan and I and having some fun for me, it is not a bad time to be alive, although it is arguable strange from a world wide picture but i’m most of all happy and grateful for Today

I cross my heart And promise to Give all I've got to give To make all your dreams come true In all the world You'll never find A love as true as mine

i saw myself being filled with meaning, fulfillment, and happiness in life, just by being kind, and serving a purpose that specifically revolved around being kind i saw that i am potentially wrapped up in this cloak of me desperately needing “to do”, and “to be”

heart ache before the heart breaks is it human to feel an emotional precursor? i well-thought out today two ways in which my path parts one where i keep my heart, with yours, and one where it lets go of you i realized that, i love everything about who you are; you are an amazing human and, the bad part is, i don’t love who i am who i am and who i have to be to be with you, is not someone i admire i have become passive, i have become not myself, to make you happy and to make our day to day, somewhat, work days blend, they are not artistic, and my untended-to soul cries the deeper i carve this shape of who i’m trying to be it’s just not coming out right a piece of me says once the stressors of money are gone, our relationship will lapse back to what it was, which honestly, was more of your fondness towards me, a fixation on the fact that we are beautiful for each other you took a career break to break me in, show me love, adorn me with time and attention now the day is to see through as many projects as possible, invest time and energy into surface friendships, and leave what has already been won on a shelf because, i’m here now, i’m yours, so whats more to be bought? i need watering, because i am a flower you fell in love with a rare, blooming one, i beg of you not to forget i need more then to be checked off as something needing to be done i admire you in so many moments in the day, i stare, i hope to catch you gleaming back at me, i pray for deeper love than this they call it the honey moon phase, and we know that as a time period in which it begins and ends i never really felt that it ever should close, i thought this time would be different we are the same in ways such as always trying, but i need you to try harder i’ve got a lump in my throat for you but i haven’t got the words to plunge it out i want your understanding, your slowness and depth and i feel that, i can’t have it do i wait until you can give it? when the weight you volunteered on your back has been sorted? i’m not sure you’ll see it this way i believe you can, but denial and distraction is something sacred in your wheel house i shut myself down, i have no one to blame, except me the hole is widening, i won’t let go of the shovel in my hands, i won’t stop digging into the nothingness as the smell of dust and dirt fill the air and my lungs, as it gets darker, i look up and i see daylight, i see the answers, i see what i need i need you, but i need me, too who am i? I've lost me in loving you and i know, you could tell me all day who i am but i’ve never really known myself, i’ve never been defined deep down, i’m an explorer, a crafter, a roller coaster we see what we want to see you’ll, again, tell me that i am a go-happy girl, and it doesn’t make sense when i’m down and sad the truth is, i have always had a pit of darkness inside of me only within recent years i have learned that there is light, too and there is no greater one, not yet and without using my hands daily to create and without using my body to move and breathe and without expanding my mind with other people in this world i feel that i am nothing there is no meaning if i am not expressing there is no meaning to US if we are not expressing to each other how much love there is i want to ask you, how can i feel differently? how can we fix the lump in my throat? how can we find the soul that’s left my body? another truth is; only i have the answer and only i can save myself

cheers to the death of who i was to the child that enjoyed circles, danger and euphoria heres to who i need to be today to make that saving right; a girl who thinks being a women is overrated, but who will still try to find adventure even in Levi’s who will try to create art out of the simplicity of regularity, during both the suffering and victory that pools and tides in love and teamwork

life is full, it is rich, it is yet to be enjoyed death is empty, it holds no more, it has been  love is full, until it is not anymore love is used up, and it has left in hate

It’s that time of the month again, and no, I’m not talking about Lady Time. It is officially confirmed that at least once a month I come to this narrow part of a tunnel where rocks are beginning to crumble and block my path, it’s the tunnel of my mind and the useless thoughts that shake and torment and lead to unhealthy erosion, they begin to wall me in, though, there is always that pin prick of light that pierces through the stones and mortar, and I will always find a way to break through to the other side. It’s funny to think that I needed to write about how I feel right now, and I read my last post here, and it’s exactly how I still feel. Bottom line: I am in love, but I feel like there’s no ‘me’ any more, and I need to find a way to be ‘me’, and I just need to ask for it. I give more of myself to others then to myself. I find satisfaction in pleasing others and I will choose others over myself every time. 

I’ve went through these efforts of hours on launching this site for you, creating the logo (which I hope you like), getting you started in a few ways, because I believe in you, Dad. I see myself in you and you in me. I want to help you in any way I can. You deserve to be fulfilled in this lifetime, you deserve to want that for yourself, and for your family. We have to look out for one another, we have to focus on “How can I love this person more? How can I help?” even when they don’t always act lovingly to us. Love is what will carry us to where we want to be. I’m grateful for you and this family. Here’s to a Merry Christmas, and a game changing New Year.

This empty feeling that I am not serving myself. And the feeling that, I am not capable of doing so, because I am serving something else and someone else. There isn’t much of an ‘I’, unless we speak of my disgusting focus on my flaws, like my weight and my skin, or on other meaningless things like what to wear. I don’t have anything going on in “my” life, it is become our life or his life. I can’t talk about it, it sounds ungrateful. It sounds like I’m unhappy with it all. This is where it’s hard to describe, how full I am in my heart when we lie together at night in bed, our legs entwined and our faces so close to one another, our noses touching and we giggle together. I am so happy that for the first time ever, I could truly have anything I want materially if I asked for it. I have never been able to not worry about bills or how I will eat or get by. I eat well, almost too well. I’ve been able to experiment with my skin and attain something healthier. Other things are being done to my body that are being taken care, whereas before I couldn’t have dreamed of affording it. I don’t have an actual job, and not having to be in one place for forty hours a week and worry about all of that is nice, right? I’m afraid it all comes with a price.. it’s a cost to just “go along with it”. I’m quite good at that, always have been. What I have also been very good at, looking at my track record, is disappearing from the scene. Dropping it all, “running in an opposite direction, exaggerating the barrier between who I am and who I want to be.” My soul is the cost. Or is it? I’m somewhat trapped by this idea of ‘ego’ and ‘self’. Ego wants, desires, is selfish, it is the ‘I’ and ‘me’ in everything in the mind. I have these thoughts of feeling that ‘I’ am not able to do this, that and the other, because my relationship is so demanding of my time and attention, that I can’t flower these other things I’d like to do... well, what is it that I’d like to do anyway? What an exploration to mention.. I haven’t got an idea. I’m reminiscing of a time before, basically, a serious relationship. A time when I was, seemingly, on paper, a free adult-child.. but in so much misery, because of what lifestyle I had to lead in order to keep that freedom up. It was much like slavery. It was draining. So what do I miss? Why aren’t I content with answering to someone else that I at least am in love with? I suppose, I miss the freedom of hanging out with anyone I wanted to. I miss that exploration of having friends and meeting different personalities and allowing the journey to more discovering who I am through others. That is the beauty of sociality and connecting. I miss being in nature. I miss weekly going to the beach to feel the vastness of space and time sit in the car while I sit in the sun and the sand, answering to nothing but the crest of waves that call for my body to play; or visiting state parks to move my body and exercise that connection to earth and the world around me, without cell service, without talking. I miss the real artists I had in my world, the real painters and photographers who were passionate and cared about creating, not the secular chaos that seduces others. As I write, as I vent, I see that it might be possible to retract these things into my life again. I realize that maybe, I just need to ask. I realize it begins with me. How do I get what I want here, with keeping as much love in my life as I have now? I need more love from myself. I’m very complex, I’m not sure how to reveal these feelings to my partner. I’m fearful he’d not understand, but I also feel he might, only because in meeting and coming to know me - because he has met the boldness of my soul - he could possibly feel me, more then understand my words.