#04272020

I’m not sure what there is to fix, it’s simply just not the right parts. Nothing seems broken. If the groves from manufacture don’t match the add-ons, then what makes sense is that piece isn’t meant for the additions? It needs… something else? I suppose you can keep using energy and time to make something fit, make it work. But something tells me, it will always keep slipping and will continually need analyzing and further realizing the same revelation.

Sex, for me, is liberating. It’s something I am comfortable with, experienced with, and the act of cumming I am quite fond of. The thought of actual engagement of sex, does not necessarily always excite me. Sure, at times, but that need can be met so quickly and easily with a tool, and without emotional attachments if it were to be another person, the time and care those people do deserve. I could see myself, in the long run, being asexual. Sex is hot. I like getting dressed up. Even a little role-play and story-telling. I am attracted very much to any gender, I watch porn almost everyday and I cum almost every day. I don’t think that will change. However, needing to play a game every day with my partner of who we can get to fuck me, surprise me, get drilled by another dick, making websites and wearing outfits every day, and then to buying a phone to start making these fantasies a reality. I am starting to feel like a fraud. I am starting to feel overwhelmed. How much do you tell your partner that you’re into it, for their enjoyment, before everything is for their enjoyment and you have left yourself with no space? I want to make the people I love so happy, that I would do anything, even if it were a charade on how far I would go sexually for them. It’s not that I wouldn’t have sex with another man for him, or another women. It’s just the frequency that scares me. If the rate at which we talk about it became the rate that we actually participated in it.. I don’t think I’d ever let it get that far. 

I think about how I see other people procrastinate in things I could never, and yet, I am realizing, no matter how prompt I am, the one thing I will always put off is the most important, which is myself and how I feel. I will tolerate something in my life until the very last moment I can’t, and it blows up. I blow up. And I lose it and I run, because so much damage has been done.

I want to cry thinking about it. I thought my life changed a year ago when I met my partner. I started out being exactly who I was. But little by little, I caught myself doing what he wanted, because he likes control and I like to give it. 

If this relationship doesn’t work out, I feel like I can’t believe one will. I have lost a general hope for multiple connections with one person.

To note, my partner and I connect on… sex (but not necessarily our sex appetite), most values (like being a good person, having integrity in your work and relationship, being thoughtful in a relationship, doing whatever you need to for them, giving them what they want, and our creativity. I have to say that is the extent.. and they are all great things. 

I give Dan anything he wants. Anything. Even when I have sworn I never would, he somehow convinces me out of it, then I convince myself, too. God, I convince myself often. 

And we are back to what I had learned a long time ago, maybe dating back to high school. “Your self is always at fault”. Because you can blame the other person all day, but really any person, or I, am responsible for the things I say, how I behave, react, talk, what I do, how I do it. Every person has to take ownership for where they are in their lives.

I can’t begin to express what Dan has given to me, or what he has sacrificed so that I could be happy and taken care of. It is in his blood to care, just as much as it is to control. I am not speaking of “controlling” as a bad trait, because there are the positive ways he applies it, such as knowing that every persons in his personal life like kids, are accounted for, and all of his work people have clear expectations, and so do I.

I am privileged, I truly am. I am supported. I have freedoms that I always had dreamed of. I also realize the freedoms I have lost. This is a factual statement. I can now go to the store and buy whatever and however many groceries I want. When I want to try a recipe, I can. I can buy a coffee every day and not flinch. I can buy gifts for people or myself. There are no financial worries. I am financially pleasant. I am financially free. I am not, however, free to go climb a mountain whenever I want to. Or go hang out with a guy who yes I might find attractive and might have a small crush on but really hanging out with people in general is a way of discovering who you are in this life, by connection. I miss learning and randomly putting myself through school or different platforms of education. I use to put  myself through a lot, on a whim. And who I am today is so great because of it. I don’t know who I am now. It’s not that important to know anyway… 

I really love Dan because he pushes me to do things that I normally and lazily wouldn’t do. He talks me up, he tells me to “just do it” in a sense. He shows me how important it is to be kind to everyone, to not judge everything at first. Mostly business things. He judges a lot of things, like health, nutrition, fitness, disregards nature and planet Earth, he doesn’t like to think of himself as an artist… all things that make my heart soar, that make me who I am.

(Np: Taylor Swift - Everything Has Changed)

My mind went blank. 

Excited pa naman ako magsulat gamit tong laptop tapos wala di ko alam ano isusulat.

Gusto ko sumigaw, ng hindi ko alam. Hay jusko.

(Np: Colbie Caillat - Realize)

Diba, isang buong kanta tapos yan lang natype ko. Hehe

Lakas maka HS days netong radio sa Spotify. 

Anyways, ayun nga. Gusto ko sumigaw. Ano ba magandang isigaw.

Hindi ako galit, pero parang may something sa dibdib ko na hindi ko maintindihan. Hindi siya mabigat, hindi siya magaan, pero hindi dapat siya nandiyan. Ganon yung feeling. ANO BA TO.

I feel so matamlay today. As in sagad sa tamlay.

 (Np: Austin Mahone - All I Ever Need)

“You’re all I ever need, baby you’re amazing. You’re my angel come and save me.”

Minsan parang ang sarap ma broken hearted no. Tapos pag andun ka na sa moment na yun sobrang ayaw mo na yung feeling. Yung sobrang tinatadtad yung utak mo saka yung puso mo ng lungkot. Yung wala ka na mai’iyak. Yung hindi mo na alam pano patatahanin sarili mo kasi ang dami mong tanong na hindi naman masasagot. I hate being broken hearted, but the idea seems to feel good... somehow?

(Np: Maroon 5 - Sad)

So I played Everything Has Changed by Taylor Swift and played the radio based on that song. And now look at what we got here. Lol.

Am I sad? Di ko sure. Parang ganto yung mood ko nung New Year. I wasn’t sad, but I’m not happy either. I’m not even a bit excited. My New Year 2020 was blank as f*ck.

Ngayon parang gusto ko nalang na wala ako masyadong pake sa mga bagay bagay. Parang let it be nalang. Less things to think about.

(Np: Taylor Swift - Enchanted)

This lockdown, ewan ko sakto lang. Well, like most of us, excited din ako na ma-lift yung lockdown last April 13. Hanggang sa na extend ng April 30, still excited pa din ako. Tapos nung naging May 15 na, I’m just like eh it’ll be over when it’s really over, why wait. Sobrang nakaka dismaya na mag countdown, lol. 

As much as I wanna be home with my love, parang pinapalungkot ko lang sarili ko everytime I countdown and it freakin extends. Kaya wag nalang, okay Covid? If you wanna do your thing and continue gallivanting with the Filipino people, nyeta ka manawa ka. Basta ako nasa bahay lang ako, chillin’ lang.

Satu hari di Januari Seorang wanita yang jauh dari baik Menggendongmu penuh harap, rasa berdosa, namun cemas Wanita itu tak tahu lagi harus bagaimana Sampai pada suatu ketika Satu kalimat sangat mengusik wanita itu dan membuatnya sangat rapuh “Andromeda seperti ini karena kamu. Kamu harus merubah sikapmu jika kamu ingin dia sembuh” Wanita itu rapuh dan semakin rapuh Kenapa dia dipilih menjadi seorang ibu jika pada akhirnya dia lah penyebab galaxy nya menderita? Wahai galaxy ku, ibun mungkin memang bukan ibu yang sempurna atau bahkan hanya sekedar menjadi ibu yang baik saja tidak. Ibun selalu mencari cara agar memberimu yang terbaik walaupun terkesan keras kepala Ibun selalu takut, Ibun mengecewakanmu Ibun selalu ingin jadi yang bisa kau banggakan kelak, walaupun tak ada satupun dari diri ibun yang bisa dibanggakan Wahai anakku, ketahuilah bahwa ibun mencintaimu dengan sepenuh jiwa raga ibun Wahai galaxy ku, tumbuhlah menjadi laki-laki yang menghargai wanita. Peluklah dia, rangkulah dia, banjiri dengan perhatian. Kesampingkan egomu demi dia. Jadilah lelaki yang hangat, jadilah rumah yang nyaman bagi wanita. Jika suatu saat kamu telah menikah, pertimbangkanlah perasaan istrimu sebelum kamu berucap atau memutuskan sesuatu. Ajak dan dampingi istrimu untuk belajar, bersama-samalah belajar. Hargai setiap tetes usahanya walaupun bagimu atau bagi banyak orang usahanya tak membuahkan apa-apa namun hargai tetes keringat dan pikirannya. Muliakanlah dia, tegurlah ibun jika memang ibun salah. Karena kau tetap lelaki paling berharga bagi ibun, bersikaplah bagaI berlian yang berharga dengan menghargai orang lain pula. Lelaki yang dididik secara baik adalah lelaki yang bisa memuliakan dan menghargai wanita.