Yes I know the post is a Silly Joke. But also I wanna talk about Printers.
First, there's never a reason to get an HP Printer, unless you work at Staples and they're letting you get your employee discount on the heavily clearanced and fully functional display color laser printer so it costs like 100 bucks. Most of the other printer manufacturers would send over specifically marked "dummy printers" for display, but not HP. They just told us to open one and stick it on the shelf. HPs drivers and software are fussy and obnoxious, on top of just all the Evil they get up to.
So, what printer do you need? Depends on what kind of printing you do.
My general recommendation is whatever Brother chunky printer cube is current. Right now it's the 2420dw.
It's compact, it's efficient. It's typically $80 on sale. It's a laser printer, the toner it uses is waterproof (paper is not, but it won't bleed) and is already dry, so it can't "dry out". Set up is pretty simple.
It's great for document printing and shipping labels. Though if you're only printing shipping labels, a dedicated label printer is probably even better.
It's bad at color and images in general, because it's black and white and laser printers have relatively low ppi/dpi.
If you need color images sometimes then rather than get a printer, I recommend just taking it to a print shop. Their printers are way way better than yours, and it'll be cheaper than having to buy a new ink cartridge or four because your inkjet printer heads dried out again and it spent twenty pages worth of ink cleaning and clearing them.
If you are printing color all the time because you want to do it out of your house, or you like having physical pictures, or something. Canon and Epson inkjet printers are by Far the best print quality for consumer Grade printing of color images. The specific model you'll want will depend a bit on what you're printing. I'm fond of Epson's wide format printers for when I was playing D&D in person.
And lastly, if you need a scanner, I would personally get one separate from my printer, but if you want them together, brother does make a laser printer with a hat that's like $200. Inkjet scanners are cheaper, but also they're not on account of the ink.