No one will notice if there's no one to notice

It’s a meme from an old episode of Arrested Development. You’ve seen it here on tumblr, but not always with the original context. 

The character sees a paper bag in the fridge labelled “Dead Dove Do Not Eat.” He takes the bag out of the fridge, opens it up, makes a disgusted face, and then the famous “I don’t know what I expected.”

There really was a dead dove in the bag.

When you see a fic tagged with “dead dove do not eat” it basically means, “this fic is clearly labelled (tagged) indicating content that some people will not want to read. If you read it anyway, it’s your own fault. I warned you.”

Just for example, say a series has some implied cannibalism in it. 

A given fic for this series might tag with “cannibalism warning” just because it’s in the canon and the fic acknowledges or discusses  it. Some people might be okay with discussing it in the abstract, even if they don’t want to see it represented explicitly.  Others might be uncomfortable with just the concept, and the author might add “don’t like don’t read” to remind those people that they may not want to engage with the fic at all.

Because I started off by thinking “DDDNE serves as an indication of subject intensity, which is an important purpose and it’s a shame that we don’t have other things like that” but then I realized, we do! They’re just slightly less formalized than other kinds of tagging systems modern fandom tends to work with.

Broadly speaking, there are two kinds of intensity scales in common use in modern fandom.

The first is the violence/sex intensity scale, which tends overall to be conflated with or used as a shorthand for the intensity/maturity rating of the fic itself. And people have talked in detail about the difference between an M and an E rating, in terms of how explicitly the sex act or violence act is described. 

But sex and violence are not the only topics that warrant an intensity scale. There are plenty of topics that people (myself included) are okay with when talking about in an abstract or general way, but if the narrative starts to dig down into the real nitty gritty of the topic I might only want to read it if I’m in the right headspace, or not at all. 

And though there isn’t an official G to E scale, fandom has implicitly recognized this need and filled it with canonical tags – such as Implied/Referenced X, Canon-Typical X, or Dead Dove Do Not Eat. 

1. Implied/Referenced X tells the reader that topic X is going to be discussed, but not shown explicitly on-screen. Unless the whole broad topic is a trigger for a reader, it’s probably okay for them to read.

2. Next step up from that is Canon-Typical X, which can generally be understood as the base or standard level of intensity for topic X in fandom Y. Exactly what level of intensity that is varies from fandom to fandom – ‘canon-typical violence’ for The Avengers is probably going to be a different level of intensity than ‘canon-typical violence’ for The Witcher, just to name two offhand. But it is generally understood that if you’re reading fic for fandom Y in the first place, the level of X present in the work is probably not going to be too much for you.

I remember when I first started posting fanfic to FFN in 1999, it drove me bananas that ‘angst’ was considered a category. I used to label everything ‘drama’ almost as a reaction to the edgelord bullshit you would see in stories that were posted under the ‘angst’ label.

but over the years I have tried to get much better about responsible tagging because I have triggers, I have friends who get triggered by things, and I don’t want to hurt my friends, so why would I want to hurt strangers? but dead dove do not eat always confuse the hell out of me because I couldn’t tell what it said about the story.

the hardest part is keeping up with the jargon that comes in from different groups of people. or seeing the specific language evolve.

For example, I was in an anime club in 1991 my second year at university, and that was how I found out about Cream Lemon. Later when kids started labelling their explicit fanfic ‘lemons’, I understood the reference. But then people created, like, a whole fruit scale based on softcore hentai anime that was tape traded in some cases decades before they were born. it’s now so far removed from the source as to come all the way back around to being completely opaque unless you’re in the know.

I had it in my back pack because I did my final thesis on the evolution of mythology and folk tails into fantasy and sci-fi and the societal importance of telling stories (before anyone asks, no I don’t have it, I lost it when I moved continents), and I used Terry Pratchett because there wasn’t a single humanitarian issue the man did not touch on.

Which I told him. And then he kind of floundered and went “ah, well but, it’s…well I mean it’s not exactly high brow”, like neither the fuck was Shakespeare or Dickens you self-important turnip. Dickens was literally selling his stories by the chapter. He was the popular author of his time. Shakespeare was too, he fucking made up words and phrases all the time because the language he needed to express himself didn’t exist in the way he needed it too.

“Vestibular sense provides information about where the body is in relation to its surroundings. This is the sense that helps you understand balance, and it connects with all the other senses.

When the vestibular system does not develop properly all other senses will struggle to function properly. Without a strong vestibular sense, kids will have no choice but to fidget, get frustrated, experience more falls and aggression, get too close to people when talking, and struggle with focusing and listening. Because they literally cannot help it.”

“Here are a few ways to support your child’s vestibular sense:

Spinning in circles.

Using a Merry-Go-Round.

Rolling down a hill.

Spinning on a swing.

Going upside down.

Climbing trees.

Rocking.

Jumping rope.

Summersaults or cartwheels.

Using monkey bars.

Skating.

Going backwards.

Swimming.

Dancing.

Wheel-barrel walks.”

Yeeting kids, spinning them, flipping them upside down, tossing them in the air, and otherwise disrupting their balance temporarily, is Important For Their Development, specifically for their vestibular sense.

We all seek proprioceptive input, leaning against walls, pushing against the steering wheel when driving, giving your body a squeeze to wake yourself up, the list goes on! When we ‘crash’ kids into soft things like pillows or beds, we’re waking their bodies up AND calming their bodies down! In other words, getting them into this super nice zone of “just right” regulation. 

When I see a child who is bouncing off the walls and can’t seem to stand still for more than a few seconds? I start wrestling with them, crashing them into pillows, giving their body the right amount of input they need to feel good and organised. And suddenly, this kid is able to sit and play attentively or do their handwriting practice. It’s amazing! If you want to know more about why the vestibular and proprioceptive systems are awesome at making your body feel good, google those two words (and sensory processing) and read through some occupational therapy websites! 

Side note: As adults, does your body ever feel jittering/jiggly/wiggly/like it needs to move or calm down but you just can’t figure out why? That’s your sensory system saying Hey! I need to feel differently in order to function better! Here’s what you can do:

Jump up and down (vestibular and proprioception)

Give yourself big squeezes (proprioception)

Place your hands on a wall and do push ups (proprioception)

Do cartwheels (vestibular and proprioception)

Get someone to give you the biggest bear hug for at least 10 seconds (proprioception and social connection, also proven to help regulate your sensory system into just right zone!)

Get a drink of water and drink it through a straw OR blow bubbles into the water (way more fun!) (oral motor input and respiration)

Have a shower or a bath (tactile)

Stretch and do exercise (vestibular and proprioception)

Eat something crunchy or chewy (like chips or gum) (oral motor input)

Listen to some music that suits your mood (auditory)

etc etc etc! I’m sure you already have a strategy that your body has figured out works for you. I personally like to chew gum when I feel like i need to eat something but I’m not actually hungry and just need that chewing sensation in my jaw. 

A Fan: Wow, can’t wait to see the heroes’ children living in a world that has been made better by the original heroes, having a loving and respectful relationship with the hero I loved and respected as a child, and dealing with their own adventure that might not be as high stake as saving the world, but is important for their own personal journey. 

the hobbit was a lower-stakes story about bilbo helping some dwarves reclaim their ancestral home, and in lotr (the book at least) tolkien goes out of his way to talk about how bilbo lived for a long time rich and famous and happy, and that erebor and dale are prosperous and successful. the threat is something that bilbo brought home with him, but if bilbo hadn’t found it, it would have fallen into worse hands. 

No one HAS EVER written or read Kidfic to see their favorite characters turn into shitty parents!! Or to see them deprived of getting to raise their children. 

We DO NOT judge people for trying to cope with a stressful world. Your pharmaceutical misadventures are just another medical condition. We want to keep you safe and alive.

Shit, we even want to help people STAY high! Most medics titrate the amount of Narcan to make sure people STAY stoned even during an opiate OD. All I care about is keeping you breathing.

We DO NOT judge addiction.

It's BEHAVIOR that we judge.

We DO judge lying, refusal to take care of basic needs to force overworked and underpaid staff to do it for them, abusive behavior toward staff, sexism, and assault.

Oh, and please, DO NOT ask staff to engage in your kink with you. It's not cute, it's not funny, and it makes us DEEPLY uncomfortable.

Enjoy yourself. Just be honest, and polite, and don't make our lives harder (or try to kill us), and we'll take amazing care of you.

Oh, plus, saying what you took can save your life.

True story; I treated a married couple for a joint OD that nearly killed them, and it was something with a VERY unusual antidote. They were absolutely covered in their own feces, and they were turning blue from methemoglobinemia.

The only reason they're still alive is that they told us what they took. They even told us HOW they took it (never ever EVER drink your poppers, kids!) That let us call ahead to the ER and get the word unusual stuff out of the pharmacy to help save their lives.

If they'd lied, they probably would have died before we figured out what to give them.

Seriously.  Go look it up.  It’s why we put pain meds on board before we even START doing surgery.  It’s why we do nerve blocks EVEN THOUGH WE’RE ALSO USING PAIN MEDS.  Wind-up phenomenon is Bad Fucking News and it is DRAINING.  It slows the healing process SO MUCH and sends all sorts of nasty stress hormones flying around your body to screw things up even more.

But let’s say that you’re still attached to this “I don’t want to be fuzzy-brained” trope.  I get it; I like it, too.  I grew up on it.  Here’s the secret: just because your character doesn’t want to be fuzz-brained by pain meds, that doesn’t mean that they can’t have pain relief.  The drugs most commonly associated with that “fuzzy-brained” phenomenon?  Opioids.

But guess what?  *deep breath*

OPIOIDS ARE NOT THE ONLY PAIN RELIEF OPTION OUT THERE.

There are NSAIDs, there are steroidals, there are FUCKING NERVE BLOCKS.  Hell, depending on the world and culture you’re writing in, acupuncture and other alternative pain relief modalities may also be a choice.  YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CHOOSE OPIOIDS.

As an example from my own life… I have chronic back pain.  The last time i herniated a disc and had an acutely debilitating pain episode, the doctor wanted to put me on opioids and muscle relaxers, because that was the standard treatment.  I flat out fucking refused.  Not because i didn’t want to be ‘fuzzed up’ (I WAS IN FUCKING AGONY; BELIEVE ME, BEING FUZZED UP WAS THE LEAST OF MY WORRIES), but because the last two times a doctor proscribed them for me for this condition, they DIDN’T WORK and neither did the muscle relaxers.

You see… I have really horrific side effects from both opioids AND muscle relaxers.  So the last two times I tried them, i ended up hunched over a toilet and sweating and weak and shivering like I had the flu for the entire time I was on them.  And do you want to know the very last thing you want to be doing when your back is in spasm?  HUNCHING AND RETCHING OVER A TOILET AND SHIVERING.  Fuck’s SAKE that really sucked.  OTZ  So, I finally got the doctor to agree to prednisone and epidural steroid injections instead.

And do you know what?  IT WORKED.  NO PAIN.  And GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT… NO FUZZIES, EITHER.  Just pain relief.

TL;DR?  (Too late.)

DON’T DENY YOUR CHARACTERS PAIN RELIEF JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE SCARED TO RESEARCH OPTIONS BEYOND OPIOIDS.

IRL experience around this: I, who am not the smartest Scripty alive, once put myself intro a trance in an MRI machine (close space, SO LOUD, SO OBNOXIOUS) that I literally had a hard time following commands. As in, had to do WORK to wake up enough to take or hold a breath. I have also used hypnosis to lessen massive anxiety around dental work.