he keeps me warm

Lon Brings Back A Good Doubt Meme.

tw: amputation mention, vague nsfw mentions

under a cut for minor spoilers?? idfk we need iron a few things out still so.

honestly?? (and a few people know this but i”M gonna come right out and say it) i almost dropped da4. the sheer amount of negativity i felt around me when i got in was just... overwhelming. i was scared because my friends weren’t in game with me and everyone was so upset about rosters that i just wanted to curl up and disappear. that was... kind of a common theme for the last year. it’s been a struggle to keep things together really but i know that staying in a group where people are there and there’s always someone around has helped me immensely. i don’t feel like i’m floundering as much. and when things get bad, i know there are people who might not know exactly what to say or do but are there. that is hands down the best part of this whole experience: you don’t just create this work of fiction together. you have a community of people there to count on.

doubt academy 4 was a fucking blast. and i think a lot of that had to do with the fact that i actually had a grasp on my character and no one was going to wrestle that away from me. i finally got to address a lot of people that i looked up to in da3 but never had an opportunity to talk to because i was so scared that they hated me for what Mitsu had become: an abusive manipulating scum bag.

but coming into game with iori?? i knew they were kind of a mess and they were going to ruffle feathers but that was okay. i knew who they were. and i knew the role they were going to play. and i had so much more fun. 

i felt so much more confident than i did in da3. i was happy and eager to start and hell i even approached lex (who real talk i kind of really looked up to in da2 and 3) about ruining kenshin takayuki (who spoiler alert: ruined me instead i still cry over that boy). and then joke after joke and i finally worked up the nerve to talk to asia for longer than the obligatory not-gfs joke and i had a rare opportunity: i could finally be the positive representation i always wanted. i know a lot of people think it’s kind of weird that my proudest accomplishment in doubt is having a successful and healthy polyamorous relationship shown but?? it means the world to me. especially to be in a situation with two wonderful people who understand the nuances and flaws of their characters so well that we had a chance to make something real. not the picture perfect romance, but something real and sturdy to say “look at this. this works for them.”

 there were so many friendships that fizzled out and relationships that were dead in the water but it felt good. that’s not to say i wanted iori to hate everyone or blow off people, but their relationships felt organic. they were always supposed to be the kind of person to be very black or white on things (hence going from thinking Alice was pretty cute to flat out resentment during endgame at her fucked morals) it felt natural and fun and even if iori was much more emotional than mitsu, they were so much more enjoyable to play. and i think they resonated a lot more with people than i ever figured they would. when people tell me they like iori’s posts or their mindset about things, i just feel so happy. it means i did something right this game. 

iori yano, despite all their flaws, was a much healthier experience than mitsu. there was just such a huge difference in atmosphere. i felt like i could get closer to so many more people this round. i owe asia so much for her unending love and support. i know more the people i’ve always respected from afar and it’s helped me to settle so much more comfortably into this whole big mess of a group.

i am so happy that i got into doubt academy 4. 

i am so happy that nick and dazy and kat and drea and cc and shai and ollie and katie and azura  and everyone else who did so much for the entire game put their all into planning this.  

i am so happy i finally found my place among you all. 

here’s to hoping that, no matter what the da5 rosters turn out, we can all find ourselves a home here.