π’π§ Β π Β π₯π¨π Β π¨π Β π°ππ²π¬Β ,Β cassidyΒ andΒ noahΒ wereΒ aΒ lotΒ alikeΒ whenΒ itΒ cameΒ toΒ howΒ closedΒ offΒ theyΒ wereΒ .Β whenΒ itΒ cameΒ toΒ lettingΒ peopleΒ inΒ .Β whenΒ itΒ cameΒ toΒ wantingΒ toΒ beΒ wantedΒ ,Β wantingΒ someoneΒ toΒ stickΒ aroundΒ evenΒ whenΒ thingsΒ gotΒ hardΒ ,Β evenΒ whenΒ theyΒ wereΒ theΒ onesΒ pushingΒ peopleΒ awayΒ .Β butΒ theyΒ wereΒ alsoΒ aΒ lotΒ alikeΒ whenΒ itΒ cameΒ toΒ finallyΒ gettingΒ thatΒ feelingΒ ofΒ someoneΒ beingΒ thereΒ andΒ feelingΒ thisΒ needΒ toΒ destroyΒ itΒ .Β evenΒ stillΒ ,Β cassidyΒ struggledΒ withΒ keepingΒ peopleΒ closeΒ .Β heΒ stillΒ feltΒ himselfΒ shuttingΒ downΒ atΒ timesΒ ,Β feltΒ himselfΒ startΒ pushingΒ awayΒ asΒ ifΒ itΒ wasΒ someΒ kindΒ ofΒ instinctΒ .Β likeΒ aΒ defenseΒ ,Β evenΒ whenΒ thingsΒ wereΒ goingΒ greatΒ .Β thereΒ wasΒ stillΒ aΒ voiceΒ inΒ hisΒ headΒ tellingΒ himΒ toΒ setΒ everythingΒ onΒ fireΒ .Β ofΒ courseΒ ,Β nowΒ heΒ triedΒ hisΒ hardestΒ notΒ toΒ letΒ theΒ selfΒ destructionΒ effectΒ theΒ relationshipΒ heΒ wasΒ inΒ .Β Β Β Β Β (andΒ evenΒ thenΒ ,Β heΒ wasnβtΒ perfectΒ atΒ itΒ .Β Β Β )Β Β Β Β Β listeningΒ toΒ noahΒ ,Β heΒ noddedΒ .Β Β Β Β Β βΒ Β Β iΒ getΒ itΒ andΒ ifΒ youΒ arenβtΒ readyΒ forΒ whateverΒ itΒ isΒ thatβsΒ goingΒ onΒ betweenΒ youΒ andΒ laffΒ ,Β thenΒ youΒ arenβtΒ readyΒ .Β Β Β βΒ Β Β Β Β Β theΒ maleΒ spokeΒ honestlyΒ ,Β Β Β Β Β βΒ Β Β canΒ iΒ sayΒ somethingΒ withoutΒ youΒ gettingΒ defensiveΒ ?Β Β Β βΒ Β Β Β Β cassidyΒ askedΒ ,Β knowingΒ thatΒ ifΒ theΒ situationΒ wasΒ flippedΒ andΒ heΒ wasΒ theΒ oneΒ sayingΒ whatΒ noahΒ wasΒ sayingΒ andΒ noahΒ wasΒ theΒ oneΒ sayingΒ whatΒ heΒ wasΒ aboutΒ toΒ sayΒ .Β heβdΒ getΒ defensiveΒ .Β Β Β Β Β βΒ Β Β youΒ everΒ thinkΒ youΒ pushΒ peopleΒ awayΒ beforeΒ theyΒ everΒ getΒ aΒ realΒ chanceΒ toΒ showΒ youΒ thatΒ theyβdΒ stayΒ andΒ loveΒ youΒ βcauseΒ youΒ donβtΒ thinkΒ youΒ deserveΒ itΒ ?Β Β βcauseΒ youΒ thinkΒ youβreΒ betterΒ offΒ onΒ yourΒ ownΒ ?Β maybeΒ evenΒ likeΒ youΒ werenβtΒ builtΒ toΒ beΒ withΒ anyoneΒ ,Β thatΒ itβsΒ justΒ supposedΒ toΒ beΒ youΒ onΒ yourΒ ownΒ ?Β likeΒ maybeΒ youΒ donβtΒ wannaΒ burdenΒ anyoneΒ withΒ yourselfΒ ?Β likeΒ youβreΒ protectingΒ themΒ fromΒ theΒ inevitableΒ crashΒ andΒ burnΒ βcauseΒ youΒ haveΒ thisΒ sinkingΒ feelingΒ thatΒ youβreΒ supposedΒ toΒ beΒ aloneΒ ?Β Β Β βΒ Β Β Β Β andΒ maybeΒ heΒ justΒ wantedΒ toΒ knowΒ ifΒ sheΒ hadΒ theΒ sameΒ plaguesΒ onΒ herΒ mindΒ thatΒ heΒ alsoΒ continuouslyΒ pushedΒ downΒ .Β heΒ didnβtΒ haveΒ anyΒ magicΒ trickΒ toΒ helpΒ herΒ outΒ ofΒ itΒ butΒ theΒ thoughtΒ ofΒ feelingΒ likeΒ theΒ thoughtsΒ werenβtΒ crazyΒ orΒ sharedΒ ,Β maybeΒ itβdΒ helpΒ ?
β probably not, β it was an honest answer. she had a tendency to be up in arms about someone not liking her shoes, let alone one of her best friends saying something that made her stomach drop. β but i can promise not to punch you. β a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. she doesnβt come to cassidy for advice, well not realΒ advice, she comes to him to talk. to dump out all of the thoughts and feelings she canβt tell anyone else. heβd always been the one to listen to her. take in her words without a drop of judgement. when it started she didnβt even know his name, she couldnβt have cared less what he thought of her, or anyone else for that matter. the point was to get drunk, blab about her feelings, and go. most times she couldnβt remember exactly what theyβd talked about in the first place so it was easy to tell him things she kept buried under the surface. she canβt remember the exact moment that changed, when she stared tucking little strips of his advice in her back pocket, but thisΒ wasnβt like usual. fortune cookie advice she could handle. she could break down his cryptic meanings into whatever she wanted them to be. this time, there were no bite sized nuggets of wisdom that you have to squint your eyes at, just truths about herself that she wasnβt aware he knew.Β β i donβt know.Β β the words leave her mouth before she can even think. an automatic response to feeling any type of emotional pressure. β well i...i do. i do know. β picking at her nail polish as she tries to force his words through her mind.Β β i think that i...i know how to be alone.Β iβm really good at it, in fact, β she laughs a little at how sad it sounded.Β β what i donβt know, is how to be whatever it is that people are looking for, iβm not a perfect girlfriend who keeps her emotions under control when things go to shit. iβm not a good housewife whoβll want to stay home and raise the babies. iβm not even a good friend, who is there to listen to people instead of just dumping all my shit on everyone all the time. i...Β β trailing off as her brows knit together,Β β i donβt wantΒ to be alone. β that much was painfully obvious. she went out of her way to spend every waking moment with someone. attaching herself to anyone, anything, that showed her even a drop of attention.Β β i want to be able to just be the old me, that trusts blindly, that gives second chances. itβs just hard to let go of everything else. to believe that anyone would want to actually be with me, you know. the me thatβs a total fucking mess, that swears like a sailor, that drinks like a fish and takes a stuffed bear with me to every destination. i donβt know if itβs even fair to want that, to try and force someone to put up with me and all my...meness. β
