leave the door open

an easy chuckle left plush lips as auggie was stunned into silence for a few blissful seconds, sipping his drink in an effort to dampen the obvious mirth in his eyes. cursing how obvious his flushed cheeks were in this lighting, lafayette desperately tried to relax. it was hard to explain, it wasn’t that he was ashamed of who he was. maybe you are. or maybe it was how pathetic and stereotypical the possibility of having feelings for his best friend was. probably both. “ of course not, only the best for you after all. “ raising an eyebrow, trying to seem unfazed when his heart beating out of his chest was anything but that. however as usual, an outlandish comment startled a laugh out of him as he remembered to breathe again. “ oh please, everyone might want your dick but that doesn’t mean you’re the diamond. “ this was familiar and simple, he ordered another round of drinks. taking pity on auggie, he made sure to order the man’s drink of choice. “ you keep telling yourself whatever you need to but mark my words, we’re dancing tonight. “ for a second his voice was entirely more stern than he’d meant for it to be but maybe it was just the liquor talking. 

“ come to new york for the summer ? “ the question was rushed as he twisted a few of the rings that sat along his fingers, hazel eyes darting from her face to the soft grass under their feet. “ i want to show you the city. “ 

for a minute, his brow quirked in thought at the statement before laughing easily. “ let me guess, cousin dicky ? he likes taking girls to italy. “ any previous worry laff had that she wouldn’t really talk to him went out the window at her long, winding and partially rambling monologue. probably because singing fish was an art long lost to any competing animation company circa shark tale and will smith fish. but he just chuckled to himself as she continued on, an out right laugh leaving him as noah realized exactly what she wanted. “ whatever you want, love. “ the words were simple and it was easy to mean them, his lips twitching with a miniscule smile. letting her tug him along, he hummed in mock thought while the delight of how ridiculous this all felt was. “ i’ll be anna, i can’t really imagine you with blonde hair though. “ frowning at her mention of daily drinking, laf thought of commenting but thought better instead just taking a longer stride and tugging her back into his grasp. “ lucky for you and your poor liver, we don’t have time for drinking. just lots of frozen and probably some takeout. “ 

nodding as she continued again, he began to reach for the envelopes that she had pointed to. letting them spill out onto the table, hazel eyes roamed over faces and clothing and places that’d he had never seen before. the sheer amount of them was astounding, after looking over a few, he began to see the resemblance between all of them with a smile. sorting them into a useful pile, repeat pile and not sure pile; lafayette felt pretty proud of his work so far. how can that be here ? the thought brought everything else to a screeching halt, his hand paused over the picture. it was something he was sure he dreamed, a wedding photo, a groom who had his eyes obvious even in the sepia toned photo looking at his bride with such tender adoration as she gazed up at him. “ you have a picture of my parents. “ his voice was strangled, “ not my adoptive parents, my actual parents. i think. “ letting out a sound between a laugh and a sob, laf knew his mind was jumping to conclusions but it felt so real. resisting the urge to bolt from the room, he asked. “ how the fuck, is this even possible ? “

laughing easily at his look, lafayette just smiled innocently at his best friend. “ i’m always careful, babes. “ peacocking just a bit to soothe his own ruffled feathers that auggie saw through him so easily sometimes, huffing easily with crossed arms. “ maybe i am, there’s no shame in wanting another great night with you. prom was great, drinking in the hotel room included. “ rolling his eyes, laff couldn’t help but preen under the attention, even leaning into the cheek pinching before recoiling in embarrassment. “ oh shut up, “ he grumbled, desperately trying to hide his flaming cheeks behind his cosmopolitan. “ the reason i don’t say anything is because you always make it weird. “ by the end of his whining, his drink was gone too. ordering another one of them for both of them easily, he raised an eyebrow and laughed. “ sorry bud, please accept this drink as my apology. too wounded to catch a groove my ass. “ wiggling said eyebrows, he continued easily, “ how about if i ask oh so nicely ? “

maybe she hoped he wouldn’t notice but he did, the slight shrug, the resignation of something lingered in that moment. hazel eyes flickered over her form, mind tumbling as it usually did when around noah. a breeze swirled around them and it spurred him to take a step towards her as she offered him her hand. taking the appendage easily, the whirling inside slowed to a giddy spin and a sigh of relief left him. lacing their fingers together like they held the fabric of their very universe together, lafayette pressed a soft kiss to her knuckles. it was easy to miss something that was right before you. scrunching up their nose at her suggestions, “ i’ll have to turn down the last one because i refuse to be paulo, how about karaoke ? you can pick the theme and everything. “ it’d been a long time since he’d had any kind stupid fun, burying himself in extra credit and econ research. swinging their hands as he pestered her to lead them towards the bar, laff felt like things might not be so bad after all. 

sands grains slipping through that minuscule space between the thin moulded glass, he felt trapped in that space. every second a grain of sand slipping over him, how very small he felt. lafayette desperate tried to remember what it was like feel his heart beat, it was pounding in his chest right now. that can’t be right. the silence seemed to fluctuate, he could feel it. then she spoke and his guarded heart felt like it would burst. belonging. he hadn’t dared hope that anyone would want him for so long. “ there’s nothing wrong with you, everyone’s different. “ his immediate defense of her brought a wry smile to his lips, managing to stop himself as noah spoke again. “ thank you for apologizing, “ it was hard, he was so used to placating others when he felt wronged. “ i ... i’m having a hard time and that means a lot. “ as if a wind blew over him, exhaustion sinking into his bones. “ do you want to ... hang out ? “

“ of course i did, “ and he had, as much as there was this feeling in his gut to ditch out. he enjoyed sayir in a purely platonic way that he didn’t end up finding often, his feelings around romance and sex sometimes got tangled with friendship. example a: mia and noah. so he felt at ease, laughing easily with her at the dramatics of it all. “ i’ll take an ice cream, i like lavender usually. you never said what this homework of yours was ? “ lounging in the seat with a feline like grace, he grinned. “ glad to be oh so helpful for one of the few i’m not avoiding currently. “

“ yes sir. “  winking at auggie again, it was hard to contain his own mirth. lafayette was still giggling at his own joke by the time his best friend began to peep into his depression windows, wanting to shut the blinds in his nosy face. “ not that’s it’s any of your business, but maybe. “ was all he said before gleefully taking in the sounds that left the other’s lips, stuffing his hands in his pockets to keep them to himself and he wasn’t even drunk yet. “ the kind who isn’t too picky at the end of the night truthfully. “ the words were teasing as he sat down next to the other, ordering two rounds of their drinks of choice. “ but before i take you home tonight, you’ve gotta dance with me. it’s another part of my amazing plan. “

he wasn’t even sure where to start, shrugging his shoulders and kicking out his foot like he was in high school again. “ i’m pretty sure i’m isolating because i don’t think i deserve anyone to care about me. nothing feels like anything because most of my feelings are a blackhole of depression or wanting to walk straight into the ocean for months now ! “ throwing his hands up and beginning to pace erratically all while rambling on. “ what’s going on is: how long of feeling unwanted before i fucking lose my mind ? “ weakly laughing as he stared in her blue eyes, a giddy feeling frantically bubbling up within him while hazel eyes burned with tears. “ what if i’m never enough ? what if you’re never enough ? what if none of it gets better ? why do i feel like it would all be better if everything went up in flames, me included ?! “ 

scrunching up his face in obvious distaste, barely managing to reign in his twitching eyebrow but not enough to stop himself from whining. “ you can’t mock me, that’s homophobic. “ snorting easily at the jib about the collective father and siblings. “ ah how fucked up it is to be looked down upon and yet better than their own spawn in their eyes. “ hazel eyes grew brighter than possible at auggie’s agreement, a tiny eep leaving his lips before he could stop it. “ there’s this place that seemed pretty alright. “ wrapping his forearm around the other’s and leading him to the cozy bar he’d found with a rainbow pattern along the wall. “ and you underestimate all of the powers at my disposal, who said that was all i had in mind to cheer you up? “ patting the other’s toned ass in a condescending rhythm before squeezing with a cheeky grin. 

“ that’s not true, if anything you’re the only one i’m talking to. “ he shrugged. “ i’ve been avoiding everyone else including cass and ce which is a shame for her since we’re partners for that project or whatever. “ unable to stop himself from rolling his eyes, he restored. “ no one ever said things are fine, nothing feels ... like anything really. and i’m not avoiding you, i haven’t walked away. “

“ oh even worse, “ he sneered with disgust, “ exactly ! the white boy turns into the well meaning white boy then you’re the bad guy just because ! “  throwing his hands up in solidarity and at the very thought of asher andrews stupid puppy dog eyes, downing more of his beer a bit faster. “ i know you did ! you did ! i was an idiot. fucking horse girls. “ even though his heart ached like a bitch, a wide grin slipped onto his lips as he was yelling like an idiot with his best friend. “ you know what man, you’re right. “ laughing at the warmth in his chest would could have totally been the beer, “ not a terrible idea, we’d be a solid power couple. “ pausing before raising an eyebrow at the other in jest, “ am i proposing or are you ? “ 

“ a’ight, damn. you’re not wrong on that front and i regret not coming back when you said it. “ he admitted with a grimace, taking another swig of his drink in repentance. “ oh well thank the gods that you had company, lord knows the world would have imploded otherwise. “ his tone was withering as hazel eyes rolled hard enough to drop out of his head. “ you know i was wondering which one of us put in that request and i’m sure your boobs are mesmerizing. “ patting her arm in sheer amusement before bursting into laughter at her horror. “ oh don’t worry, besides unlike most white girls she will punch you for being rude. “ snorting at the thought of how that would go down, he continued. “ while i do think you could take her, you don’t strike me as the type to fight at parties. “

it was almost like his bad mood seemed to roll off his back, reminding him of storm clouds rolling through the swamp. hazel eyes sparking with some of his usual mirth in no time. “ of course, good twin. i would never leave you hanging. “ laughing easily at her actions, he took another sip of his drink as she regaled him with tales of her shenanigans. “ well, i atleast hope the dj gave you a song request for all you effort. “ in between his giggles and steady buzz, not even the mention of what had to be noah could bring him down. “ oh yeah, hot mermaid is real. unfortunately she’s the white girl who has me losing my shit. “