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today I saw someone talking about hearing voices in their head, and people suggested they "look into plurality"
Anyway if voices suddenly appear in your head, it could be caused by a schizoaffective disorder, by a mold infestation, by medication, by a BRAIN TUMOR, and without any other information, it may be this thing called "thinking"
hearing voices in your head is a vaguer symptom than coughing
You have to let people love you. You have to let people get to know you. You have to let people help you. Being so completely selfless that you try to erase yourself off the face of the planet and never ask for anything and reject everybody's offers of support makes you very hard to love! Unfortunately. Emptying yourself out of everything that makes you, you is not actually what your loved ones want from you, generally. They want to make you happy! They will be so so sad if you don't give them the chance. It's not all selfish. I promise.
This is going to be a longer post, because I keep seeing misinformation about this over and over, but it's not something that can be explained fully in a small number of words.Â
This post is about the requirements of DID development, and specifically why it is not true that DID can develop in response to any negative experience if the child's stress tolerance is low enough.Â
Other sources will be included when relevant, but most of this comes from the theory of structural dissociation through The Haunted Self.
The basics
In short, DID can only develop in response to complex trauma before the age of 6, up to about 8 at the latest. To be more specific, DID requires the child to experience multiple severe, prolonged and varied traumas involving betrayal or abandonment from their primary caregivers. A genetic predisposition to dissociation is also required, but that isnât as relevant to this post.Â
When does the personality integrate?
Most people are aware that DID has to develop before the personality has fully integrated, which happens in early childhood. There isnât an exact set age for when this happens, as psychological development is variable and hard to measure.Â
However, people will often claim that it happens far later than it actually does. To understand why this is wrong we have to understand what we actually mean when we talk about the personality integrating.Â
The human personality is made up of several different psychobiological systems of mental and physical actions we can take in response to our environment, and our understanding of those actions in relation to ourselves and the world.
These systems represent different functions of personality, such as attachment, self-care, exploration, reproduction, defense from threats, etc. There are multiple subsystems within these broader systems as well.Â
These systems maintain themselves through the continuous integration of the experiences had within these domains. If this integration fails, their cohesive functioning will falter and dissociation may develop (as dissociating away from the memories held within these systems will naturally cause the systems themselves to dissociate away from each other as well).
Both dissociation and integration are active processes, they must continuously maintain themselves and they will turn into the other if they fail to do so.Â
In a healthy adult, these personality systems function fluidly and cohesively, neither fully open nor fully closed to each other. They allow the person to seamlessly transition between different aspects of their personality as required, and create a base for a consistent identity to form on top of (which begins in late childhood and adolescence). It is not true that these parts all fuse into one singular entity; they simply come to achieve a basic level of cohesion that cannot be fully undone afterwards.Â
In early childhood, these parts still function quite rigidly. In order for them to achieve this baseline level of integration, the child needs to continuously process the experiences they have within these domains, and be able to make sense of them in relation to each other. This is a long process that makes up the majority of the psychological development of early childhood.Â
A child with an unintegrated personality will experience their personality systems separately, and will not be able to seamlessly transition between them. This is why young children seem so all over the place.Â
For example, a younger child may be happily playing by themselves one minute, and then screaming and crying for their mother the next. This is because the personality functions of exploration (subfunction: play) and attachment (subfunction: attachment cry) have not yet integrated, and therefore they cannot function fluidly. Â
An older child may instead quietly put down their toy and go to find their mother, because those two personality systems have been integrated. This is why the estimates for the exact age of when the personality integrates keep getting younger as the research progresses. Because how many children do you know above the age of 7 or 8 that function like the former instead of the latter?Â
For DID to develop, there must be a total failure in the integration of these systems due to the structural dissociation of traumatic memory preventing them from being processed as part of a cohesive whole.
And as we have established, dissociation is an active process. One singular instance of dissociation is not enough to prevent the integration of the personality systems. In order for them to be as separated as required for the development of DID, heavy dissociation must be maintained before these parts are expected to achieve full integration.Â
As such, the trauma (and resulting dissociation) must be prolonged before the age of around 6 to 8. Otherwise, the child will have made too much progress towards integration and not enough towards dissociation in order to form alters (although other trauma disorders are still a possibility). You can see this in the fact that on average, people with DID can trace back their first appearance of alters to around age 6 as stated here.Â
âThe typical patient who is diagnosed with DID is a woman, about age 30. A retrospective review of that patientâs history will typically reveal...emergence of alters at about the age of 6âÂ
To form noticeable alters, the person must have already experienced prolonged dissociation. Therefore, in order for the average patient to have alters emerge at age 6, their dissociation must have already been prolonged by that point, and the multiple traumas that caused said dissociation must have started significantly earlier. This is why the trauma itself starts at least before the age of 5-6, and often in infancy or the early toddler years.
From the DSM-V:Â
âIn the context of family and attachment pathology, early life trauma (e.g. neglect and physical, sexual and emotional abuse, usually before ages 5â6 years) represents a risk factor for dissociative identity disorder."
From here (again):Â
âPutnam and his colleagues propose that DID arises from traumatized childrenâs inability to form a cohesive sense of self, leading to the emergence of alternate identities. This phenomenon is especially apparent when traumatic experiences occur before the age of 5.âÂ
And from The Haunted Self:Â
âThe older the child is prior to abuse and neglect, the more likely action systems of daily life have become more cohesive, and thus it is less likely that more than a single ANP would develop.âÂ
This is why things such as bullying are very unlikely to cause DID on their own (although they may be a part of the personâs overall trauma history). That would require preschool children to be able to bully someone to the severity necessary to develop DID (more on that later), as any older age group would be too late to create the necessary degree of separation before the age of integration is reached.Â
Therefore, the complex trauma needs to occur long before the age of 6â8, almost always before the age of 5â6.
What is complex trauma?
The definition of complex trauma can vary slightly from source to source, but it is most consistently defined as experiencing multiple severely distressing events that are repeated and prolonged, involve betrayal or abandonment from primary caregivers, and occur at developmentally sensitive time periods. Â
See the following definitions, sourced from here:Â
âWe define complex psychological trauma as resulting from exposure to severe stressors that (1) are repetitive or prolonged, (2) involve harm of abandonment by caregivers or other ostensibly responsible adults, and (3) occur at developmentally vulnerable times in the victimâs life, such as early childhood or adolescence.âÂ
And here:Â
âComplex trauma describes both childrenâs exposure to multiple traumatic eventsâoften of an invasive, interpersonal natureâand the wide-ranging, long-term effects of this exposure. These events are severe and pervasive, such as abuse or profound neglect. They usually occur early in life and can disrupt many aspects of the childâs development and the formation of a sense of self. Since these events often occur with a caregiver, they interfere with the childâs ability to form a secure attachment.âÂ
It is important to contrast complex trauma from the other two classifications of trauma: acute and chronic. They are defined as follows:Â
Acute: a singular, isolated traumatic event that engages a short-term sympathetic nervous system response. Includes one-off physical or sexual assault, natural disasters, accidents, etc.Â
Chronic: a prolonged or repeated experience of a traumatic event that engages a more long-term sympathetic nervous system response. Includes experiencing one type of prolonged abuse, prolonged medical trauma, etc.Â
More details here.Â
Acute and chronic trauma cannot cause DID, and neither can regular stressors (more on that in the next section). Low stress tolerance also cannot make acute or chronic trauma âturn intoâ complex trauma; they are distinct phenomena. Complex trauma always requires the experience of multiple different prolonged traumas involving betrayal or abandonment from primary caregivers.Â
It is important to note that while severity of trauma is subjective, complexity of trauma is not. Perceiving a non-complex trauma as being more severe than an average person would does not transform that experience into complex trauma.
Why is complex trauma required for DID?
DID exists on what is called the tertiary level of structural dissociation. Structural dissociation refers to the abnormal dissociative compartmentalization of traumatic memories, which leads to a divide between the personality systems of daily life and defense from threats (and in more complex forms; the division of these systems within themselves). Â
The resulting divisions are apparently normal parts (ANPs) who do not contain traumatic memories and instead handle daily life, and emotional parts (EPs) who contain traumatic memories and the resulting emotional and behavioural responses.Â
There are three levels of structural dissociation that are cumulative, meaning they each build off the level that precedes them:Â
PTSD is on the primary level of structural dissociation, involving one ANP that comprises the majority of the personality and a rudimentary EP that holds the traumatic memory (which is usually acute, sometimes chronic). The separation between these parts is minimal.Â
C-PTSD and trauma-based personality disorders are on the secondary level, involving one ANP that still compromises most of the personality, but several EPs that may be slightly more elaborated than in PTSD. This occurs when a person experiences multiple traumas that are too distinct for them to be contained in one EP, or when a repeated/prolonged trauma increases in severity in later instances and the existing EPâs threshold for re-traumatization is crossed. This causes the EP to structurally dissociate away from those experiences, creating another.Â
DID is on the tertiary level, involving multiple ANPs and multiple EPs that have a high degree of complexity and separation from each other. This is caused by multiple severe traumas necessitating the creation of multiple EPs, and the trauma being so integrated into daily life at such a young age that daily life itself becomes traumatic, necessitating multiple ANPs.Â
This means that in order to develop DID, the person must be pushed past the point of developing both PTSD and C-PTSD. They need to experience multiple different traumas to structurally dissociate their subfunctions of defense and create multiple EPs, and said traumas need to be extremely pervasive in daily life from a very young age in order to structurally dissociate their subfunctions of daily life and create multiple ANPs.Â
From The Haunted Self:Â
âVarious traumatizing events may induce different sets of EPs. Each group of EPs usually experiences and contains traumatic memories related to a specific cluster of traumatic experiences. Groups of EPs are most often seen in tertiary structural dissociation, as DID patients tend to have experienced the most severe and multiple traumatizing events.âÂ
âWe hypothesize that the origins of the divisions among ANPs lie in the inability of an unsupported, emotionally neglected, and abused child to integrate emerging action systems of daily life when various aspects of daily life themselves are chronically traumatizing.âÂ
For these parts to reach the level of distinction necessary for DID, multiple types of trauma must occur. This is because multiple instances of the same trauma will simply be contained within the same EP due to the experiences being compatible with what that EP already holds; the creation of a new one needs to push beyond that. Â
From The Haunted Self:Â
âDevelopment of EPs over the course of time in chronic traumatization perhaps indicates a lowering of mental level for the previous part of the personality, such that another dissociative part is formed.âÂ
Note that there are multiple experiences that come under the same broad classifications of trauma that may differ from each other significantly on a practical level. For example, being intentionally starved and being hit both fall under physical abuse, however the human mind will likely process them as two distinct events and therefore split two EPs.Â
Additionally, ANPs and EPs gain complexity through life experience, specifically from the experiences they are triggered out to handle that other parts are amnesiac for. ANPs and EPs who remember different instances of the same events with minimal differences between them will not be presented with the opportunity to develop distinct traits.
Obviously, some alters within DID may be similar because of this (i.e. fragments), but at least some alters must be distinct in order to meet the criteria.Â
From the Haunted Self:Â
âElaboration is concerned with the complexity of a dissociative partâs repertoire of actions, including memory, skills, and sense of self. It is developed when a dissociative part is regularly exposed to external reality or a rich internal reality.âÂ
âChildren who are abused and neglected by their caretakers in early childhood, with maltreatment constituting a substantial part of daily life, will probably have particular difficulty in developing normative daily life systems. This is a common experience of DID patients. These children must alternate so quickly and frequently among emerging defensive and daily life action systems that these systems, hence their EPs and ANPs, can become mixed in quite chaotic manifestations.âÂ
There is also an entire section of The Haunted Self that goes into all of this in much more detail, called âThe Origins of Secondary and Tertiary Structural Dissociationâ, found in chapter 4.Â
Essentially, your brain cannot just create multiple distinct ANPs and EPs because it âfeels like itâ or due to any form of stress. It needs to be continuously and severely traumatized in distinct ways that are integrated throughout daily life. Otherwise the person will not develop beyond primary or secondary structural dissociation. Your brain cannot simply skip to the tertiary level without first being pushed beyond the previous two levels.
What is disorganized attachment?
Disorganized attachment is also required for the development of DID and makes up the âbetrayal or abandonment from caregiversâ aspect of complex trauma. It refers to inconsistent and contradictory behaviour displayed by a child towards their caregiver, where neither separation nor closeness feels safe. This is often the result of abusive or neglectful parenting.
From The Haunted Self:Â
âHowever, what happens when caretakers manifest frightened, hostile, or helpless behavior toward their children? When such behavior is a pattern, a particular attachment style develops in infants (i.e., disorganized/disoriented attachment or D-attachment) ...D-attachment describes the unusual approach-avoidance response patterns of an infant toward a caregiver who should be the source of safety and security, but is also simultaneously the source of fear and threat.âÂ
And from here:Â
âDevelopmental models suggest that when caregivers are abusive, frightening, or insensitive, children experience an irresolvable inner conflict of flight and approach, leading to disorganized attachment.âÂ
Why is disorganized attachment required for DID?
Secure attachment (i.e. where the child feels that their primary caregivers are safe and dependable) is key to the integration of the personality systems in early childhood.Â
Young children are reliant on their caregivers to regulate them and model healthy behaviour as they begin to understand the world around them and their own identities. Therefore, when attachment is instead disorganized, the childâs ability to integrate their personality systems and subsystems is severely inhibited.Â
Specifically, the contradictory nature of disorganized attachment is important to this. The memories associated with personality systems need to be cohesively processed together in order to foster their integration. As such, when caregivers are extremely unpredictable and threatening, confusion develops between these systems as their respective memories are incompatible. Â
For example, the personality system of energy regulation experiences the caregivers as being the source of food, but the personality systems of attachment and defense see the caregivers as the source of threat.Â
There may also be confusion between the subsystems of individual personality systems as well, such as the system of energy regulation receiving food from the caregivers on some occasions and being starved by them on others.
As these conflicting ideas of the caregivers all across life cannot be integrated together, they must instead be structurally dissociated from each other.Â
From The Haunted Self:Â
âThe young childâs personality is relatively unintegrated, and integrative structures of the brain are still immature (Perry & Pollard, 1998; Teicher, Anderson, Polcari, Anderson, & Navalta, 2002). The quality of the first years of life, particularly secure attachment, is instrumental in laying the groundwork of a personality organization that is rather cohesive across contexts, such as action systems, place, time, and sense of self.âÂ
â[The development of DID is related to] ...degree of social support, including attachment relationships; disruption of the normal integration of the childâs action systems that requires a secure attachment relationship.âÂ
And from here (again):Â
âMeta-analytic evidence confirms that childhood maltreatment profoundly disrupts attachment organization and predisposes to disorganized attachment...Recent conceptualizations of âattachment traumaâ postulate that childhood maltreatment triggers distinct pathogenic processes, such as traumatic disintegration, detachment, and dissociation, which may contribute to identity disturbances.âÂ
As disorganized attachment is so central in the development of identity pathology, achieving the degree of identity disturbance necessary to form DID, the most severe form of disordered identity, in the absence of disorganized attachment is not possible. This means that a healthy caregiver-child relationship is a direct contradiction to the requirements of DID development.Â
Therefore, it is not possible to develop DID without disorganized attachment. This does not necessarily mean that oneâs primary caregivers must be irredeemable monsters to form DID, but that they must commit betrayal and/or abandonment against the child that leads to the childâs mind being unable to process them as a safe presence. As such, it is impossible for a person who had a good relationship with their caregivers in childhood to form DID.Â
Can trauma other than abuse cause DID?
Technically yes, but thereâs a reason why this isnât common. Â
Really, this depends on how you define âabuseâ. As we have established, DID requires disorganized attachment resulting from betrayal and/or abandonment from caregivers in order to develop. As a result, there must be at least a partial interpersonal aspect to the trauma that causes DID.Â
Even if the caregivers did not outright abuse the child, at a minimum they must have neglected the child to a degree where they could not view them as safe figures. Many people argue that such a level of neglect is abuse in and of itself, and under that understanding abuse must be involved for DID development.Â
However, as we have also established, the caregivers themselves do not need to be severely abusive in order for the child to form DID. The child must feel that they are undependable and unsafe, but the multiple severe and prolonged traumas may come from elsewhere (note that this disorganized attachment forms part of the trauma and of itself, it just cannot cause DID alone if the circumstances that led to it do not meet the requirements of âmultiple severe prolonged traumasâ).Â
For example, some people with DID had neglectful or absent parents, and then experienced multiple forms of severe abuse from other family members or other trusted people (again, while absent caregivers are traumatic within their own right, the point is that the âworstâ of the trauma does not necessarily have to come from the caregivers).Â
This can apply to traumas other than abuse as well. For example, medical trauma in which a child is experiencing multiple distinct traumatic events (such as different kinds of distressing and painful medical procedures or episodes) can result in DID if it occurs young enough and disorganized attachment is present.Â
You can interpret this one of two ways:Â
Neglect is a form of abuse and therefore DID development requires abuse, although said abuse does not need to be the âmain traumaâ so to speakÂ
DID development does not require outright abuse, but at the very least neglect is requiredÂ
All in all, due to the fact that DID requires disorganized attachment to primary caregivers, and that the trauma needs to begin at an age where the child is primarily living at home (before the age of around 6, therefore before school-age), the vast majority of DID cases are caused by intrafamilial abuse.Â
Again, other circumstances are technically possible, but due to the nature of the requirements, other forms of trauma are much more likely to result in other disorders.Â
From the DSM-V:Â
âIn studies from diverse geographic regions, about 90% of the individuals with the disorder report multiple types of early neglect and childhood abuse, often extending into late adolescence. Some individuals report that maltreatment primarily occurred outside the family, in school, church, and/or neighborhoods, including being bullied severely. Other forms of repeated early-life traumatic experiences include multiple, painful childhood medical and surgical procedures; war; terrorism; or being trafficked beginning in childhood.âÂ
And from here:Â
âThe authors interviewed 102 individuals with clinical diagnoses of multiple personality disorder at four centres using the Dissociative Disorders Interview Schedule. The patients reported high rates of childhood trauma: 90.2% had been sexually abused, 82.4% physically abused, and 95.1% subjected to one or both forms of child abuse.âÂ
Keep in mind that these figures rely on self-report, and true numbers are likely higher due to the amnesia, shame, and nonrealization of trauma commonly experienced by DID patients.Â
In conclusion
DID is a specific trauma response with specific requirements; it cannot develop in response to any negative experience that a child experiences, regardless of their stress tolerance. It is specifically a complex trauma-based disorder, caused by experiencing multiple severe and prolonged traumatic events involving betrayal or abandonment from primary caregivers, before the age of around 6 years old.Â
This does not mean that other forms of trauma âarenât bad enoughâ or arenât debilitating; they absolutely are. This simply means that those forms of trauma will likely result in other disorders and not DID.Â
DID is not âthe disorder that you get when your trauma was bad enoughâ. Itâs the disorder you get when you meet the requirements of developing it, and whether or not you have it has no impact on the validity of your trauma or suffering.Â
If you believe yourself to have DID when that wouldn't be possible based on your current understanding of your trauma history, that needs to be handled by a professional. It's possible you don't remember your full history or haven't realized your experiences do qualify, or it could be that your self-diagnosis is wrong.Â
Either way, spreading misinformation on the internet is not how this should be handled and you are not helping anyone by doing so, let alone yourself.
I understand the hesitance people have towards speaking about the requirements of DID development, but there is no situation in which misinformation is helpful to anyone.
The amount of people who are unaware that blackouts are not that common - even for full DID systems - especially out of a specific situation; and as a result minimalize their own very much problematic amnesia, or apologize before they complain about their own amnesia, is geniunely saddening. Regardless of how many people black out or not, if it's disrupting your daily life on a regular basis YES you have amnesia.
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Can we normalize talking about poc experiences with both being queer and being a system? , especially being black. Everytime I see a conversation that includes the experience of someone who is a poc it's often skipped over, played down, or they get completely bashed.
The queer community is a very good example of this, I get told all the time that "Oh, but you pass! I don't see the issue?" I am black first. I will always be seen as black first. (this might tickle some of your guys bones so hold on tight to your pants.) being black and queer is VERY different from being white and queer. being black and trans is VERY different from being white and trans.
Another great example is with our system, while we are a poc we mainly have white alters in our system, we often get fake claimed or our experiences immediately shut down because "well, if you're black it's impossible to have white alters" , which honestly if you've ever said anything CLOSE to this to another person you can go ahead and block me, you are not someone I want to interact with.
I won't be surprised if I get some comments that are like âWell... I'm. white and my experienceââ , thats because you're white. White experiences will ALWAYS be different than black or poc ones.
The queer/system community isn't the only community faulty to this, there are so many other communities that brush off or ignore or put down poc experiences and it's getting really sad to see.
dealing with actual honest to god transference for the first time and I do not like this. therapist's mom is in late stages of dementia and very recently got diagnosed with terminal cancer. we spent some of last session talking about this, how I feel badly that she has to manage her death all alone.
I told her there's people who deserve that fate more than her mother does. I immediately realized it was a bit of a crazy statement considering I don't know what my T's relationship with her mom is like, but the jealousy overpowered that thought I guess
I am insanely jealous. my parents are decrepit and old. my father is the most unhealthy person I know and almost can't work anymore. he should be the one dying, not her mom. he's almost 70 and T's mom is in her late 80s. I so badly wish they could trade places.
1. there will always be someone more severely affected by their disability than you are, this does not mean you aren't disabled, or that your struggles aren't real. these disabled people are not your enemy.
2. visibly disabled people are not treated better than invisibly disabled people, there are different struggles to both.
3. visibly & severely disabled people are not lucky for being visibly disabled or severely disabled. this belief is ableist.
4. we all need to keep the more severely disabled people in mind, they are the most vulnerable & this is disability justice 101.
5. there will always be severely disabled people in public, you absolutely need to work on your discomforts about the conditions/aids/symptoms/behaviours they might have; drooling, incontinence, "odd" behaviours, visible differences, use of AAC etc. this is a you problem, not a them problem.
6. there will always be symptoms of disabilities that you don't approve of; zero social awareness, cognitive impairments, violent meltdowns, strong smells & loud noises, being nonverbal/semiverbal etc. no one can force you to like it, but you cannot be cruel to them regardless of your opinions, again, this is a you problem & not a them problem.
7. you can still be ableist even if you yourself are disabled, this isn't always internalised, it can also be outright ableism.
8. caregivers of severely disabled people often play an important role in disability spaces, try not to *immediately* discount their experiences, unless they're truly over stepping, are being factually incorrect/uneducated or ableist. (caregivers can come with unique problems in disability spaces, 100%, but they are not inherently bad)
9. severely disabled people will have experiences you do not have, it is not an attack on you when these experiences are talked about.
10. âpeople wouldnât say [ableist thing] to a wheelchair userâ yes they would and yes they do.
and yes, some of these things that i've mentioned still applies to less severely disabled people, but goes especially for severely disabled people who often experience these things the most. be kind, be compassionate.
came across a post that got me thinking about how bad DBT was for me. I'm really curious if it has ever been helpful for anyone with DID at all. I think it was mostly the way it was administered (therapist and the clinic she worked at didn't believe in addressing my DID, instead treated it exclusively as CPTSD and BPD which I was misdiagnosed with), the modality focuses so much on how YOUR emotions are disproportionate to the current situation but does not focus on WHY (trauma. it's always trauma)
like I remember one time I had told my therapist I had a weird internal panic attack a few days prior to one of our sessions over seeing a big dog, and she proceeded to tell me that "that's not a panic attack, also you have a big dog, I don't think you're actually afraid." anyway I hope she got hit by a car
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actually i thought about this. this isn't a callout, this is a call-in. white systems, i am literally begging you to hold each other accountable. stop making it safe for other white systems to engage in racist bullshit.
stop letting alters that don't belong to an ethnic group claim it.
stop letting fetishization of "exotic" culture slide.
stop letting people google names in other languages and not show those languages the respect they deserve. like ffs, at least learn how to pronounce what your part is calling themself. at least learn the context the word is used in.
stop being nonconfrontational about racism. yeah, you'll ruffle some feathers. maybe those feathers need to be ruffled.
ânever kill yourselfâ is such a funny phrase to me that i think itâs accidently started working. its like an affrimation. say ânever kill yourselfâ enough times as a joke and maybe you wonât try to kill yourself over minor inconviences anymore
Ergo it is your responsibility to communicate your needs and boundaries
If you lie to someone about something being okay when it isn't, that is on you
Something being a trauma response doesn't exempt it from harming your relationships and the other people in them
Enabling your trauma responses will not make them go away, and it is your responsibility to work on yourself for your own wellbeing as well as the people around you
Being A Victim cannot be a pillar of your identity forever, and being victimized does not make you incapable of harming other people (see above)
You are not a mouse in a jean jacket you are an eel with a gun / adult human being who can use your words even if it's Scary
Having a personality disorder doesn't make you evil but you have got to get off of Personality Disorder Tumblr (see above, re: enabling)
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I think that when you're overstimulated you should appear kind of grayed out and no one should be able to interact with you like a locked character in a video game
Being visibly disabled in the current community is a fascinating experience. Somehow you get to be the most visible part of the community and yet simultaneously completely invisible. People will tell you you're seen as the default and yet even spaces that call themselves "accessible" seemingly forget entirely that wheeled mobility aid users might need to use them too, or treat you as an afterthought. Disability related gatherings will be absolutely shocked if you turn up with a bulky mobility aid like a power chair or have a particularly noticeable visible difference, as if they never thought that people like you actually existed in the real world and might share a space with them. Disability related merch will be plastered in invisible disability slogans but people will look at you like you're from outer space if you ask if they have anything about disabilities that aren't invisible. They tell you about how they saw someone with a disability vaguely similar to yours on TV once, so you don't need more awareness.
All the while abled people just continue to act like you don't exist unless you can be "inspirational", or you're inconvenient to them, or you look so different that they think they can get away with treating you like an animal.
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