SHESMORETHANFIBRO

I was 13 when my journey with fibromyalgia began. This year it will make it 8 years since. I remember hearing from doctors, “you’re young, you shouldn’t be in pain” well, that didn’t stop it from happening anyway right? Fibromyalgia affects more than 3 million people in the US alone per year. I was cheerleading with fibromyalgia. I was going to dances with fibromyalgia. I was going to school with fibromyalgia, going to the mall, laughing, smiling, all in pain and feeling so much every single day. And there are days where I can’t even get out of bed. Or I cry when i walk a little too much. Or i get a sharp pain that has me hunching over in the middle of a store. Or when my insomnia and my chronic fatigue are both bad at the same time and i hallucinate. Just because people with fibromyalgia smile, doesn’t mean that we are not in pain. That doesn’t mean that we don’t deserve to have a cure. ⠀

I had different ideas for this post. A little positive. But I don’t have that in me. Because I am just so mad at the world. I’ve been having a really hard time with this recently. Even after 8 years for me, acceptance is hard to find. Because we do not deserve this. I don’t want to be in pain anymore. I don’t want to feel exhausted all the time. I don’t want to also have insomnia. I don’t want to deal with the symptoms my body likes to randomly throw at me like fibro fog or sensitivity to weather, whatever weird shoulder arm thing my body has decided to hit me with, numbness, skin sensitivity, light, noise sensitivity, flares, and so much more. I want to be able to one day say that I used to have fibromyalgia. I know we all do.

From a monologue I wrote for one of my acting classes, “And I feel like I’m never gonna be truly okay, because I am going to always be waiting to wake up from that nightmare. And I never will. I don’t deserve you. You do not deserve me. You don’t deserve to take my dreams, and my hope, my days, my laughter, my happiness, my life. But if you want to there’s not much I can really do about it to either succumb and let you…or try to survive through you and in spite of you. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. But with that being said, I just want you to know… I am here. I am here fighting to have and keep those things everyday in spite of you. Good days and bad. You may win the battles, but I will win the war, I promise you that. And I will never give you the satisfaction to say otherwise. You may beat me down, but you will not break me. Because that is what I deserve.”

I find it so hard to even see myself dealing with one more day with fibromyalgia. But I’ve made 8 years. And no matter how hard it gets, I can say that I’m surviving it. And that’s something fibro will never take from us. That we are survivors, we are WARRIORS. And by raising awareness, we can get actual helping medication, we can get a cure. Because we deserve that. So I’m asking you guys to stand up, and wear purple, share, like, comment, whatever because we with fibromyalgia and chronic illnesses do not deserve this. And maybe if we all raise awareness for it that we won’t have to deal with this forever. Cause I know for a fact us warriors are SO strong. But that doesn’t mean that strong people don’t get tired. So let’s all please raise awareness so that we can come up from this nightmare one day. Thank you. 💜

I HAVE A LOT OF UPCOMING POSTS (AND I WILL CONTINUE POSTING ON HERE ONCE THE BLOG IS PUBLISHED , BUT POSTS COULD MAY BE TOO LONG FOR INSTAGRAM SO I WILL HAVE TO POST THE CONDEMNED VERSION , OR IN THE COMMENTS , OR MAY JUST HAVE IT ON THERE AND POST SIMILAR BUT DIFFERENT CONTENT HERE) IDK HOW I’M GONNA DO IT JUST YET , BUT SHESMORETHANFIBRO WILL STILL BE HERE AS WELL. A LOT OF UPCOMING POSTS LIKE I SAID WHICH I AM EXCITED TO POST VERY SOON. WILL KEEP YOU ALL UPDATED WITH MY BLOG , AND HOPEFULLY WILL GET IT PUBLISHED VERY SOON.

basically it had started at night a couple times until today it did it in the morning, and it is happening more frequently. but it feels like in my left shoulder, what I imagine it feels like if your disc pops, idk but it feels like a pop and so the pain radiates in my shoulder, but then goes to my left arm, left side of my neck and then just the left side of my body. that same bad pain just shooting through and then depending on how I move my arm, it can do again, making it worse. And when that happens sometimes it will make my arm feel numb. But there’s sharp pains throughout thag side of my body, feels like it’s on fire, and at least right now it feels like it’s slowly radiating to the other side of my body.

The thing though that has gone right is the acting. I love my classes, and my professors are so great and so understand and accommodating. I know I’m gonna learn a lot and already see myself learning a lot so that helps. Just outside of it I just feel wrong. On the positive I forced myself out a bit and regardless of pain i enjoyed it. But I just feel like when I’m not in class it’s just wrong. For many reasons. Like even when I’m around people sometimes because what they can do I cannot all the time. And what they wanna do I cannot all the time. Right now that happens more often than not. People not fully understanding, the guilt you feel because of it, and so much more. And you feel alone because of it. And you just realize when you’re sitting in your room that maybe you’re not even as close to okay as you thought. Maybe you just have to say im alive for now because that’s just what you feel. Because it’s easier than saying I feel depressed, stressed, pained, exhausted, overwhelmed, etc. The change has been harder than I thought, making me question more than I thought. I’m missing my family, feeling alone, hating fibromyalgia, hating life because it would give a 13 year old fibromyalgia, just everything. I know I have a great purpose in life and that helps me. I just gotta through the rest. Gonna work on finding a new therapist, even when I don’t want to listen to my body, and knows it’s not my fault. Do what’s best for me. Figuring out how living life, trying to function with fibromyalgia works. Posting and communicating more, using all this to push me to be the person I wanna be. Try to figure out what I want tbh and who I am.