I shaved my legs for...THIS?!

I was a picky eater as a kid who now loves food but still hates tomatoes. Which is fine. Not as bad as not eating your crusts. I used to think that when my parents said “if you don’t eat your crusts, then your hair won’t get curly” was a pretty toothless insult. Who cares if you have curly hair? Cut those damn crusts off. 

What I didn’t realise though was that was a life long deal… and now I am out here stuck with dead straight pubes for the rest of my life. Constantly wondering “why do they call it a bush, what I am rocking is more of a natural grassland...”

I am not watching Euphoria. I would love to watch Euphoria, it sounds like people are really into it and I hate not being able to discuss the show that everyone is talking about. My first week of Uni I was convinced I was going to be a huge hit socially because I would simply talk to everyone about what has been happening on Dexter. 

Now, 10 years later, I simply no longer care about the struggles of teenagers enough to get involved at all. Especially teenagers that are much cooler than I would ever be. I don’t want to relive what happens in the past, I want a Dianne Keaton film and spoilers for my future. 

Ultimately though, I just don’t want to bring that sort of intensity into my life. Being a teenager is such a wild and emotional time, when you can’t control all of the hormones raging through your body. Luckily as an adult I have now come to accept that those intense have pretty much evened out to be just 3 weeks of PMS a month otherwise known as my core personality. 

I have not done anything socially. I know this is bad. That I would enjoy it once I get there. Except everything else is consuming the only energy I have to give.

I wish I was the sort of person that was able to catch up with a friend and simply do nothing together…Except most of the time, I only want to do exactly the ‘nothing’ that I am in the mood for and not a compromised ‘nothing’ we agree on that feels a lot like doing something. 

It takes me such a long time to not feel like I have to turn on and entertain a friend. Like I have to sparkle my way through every social occasion less I never be invited to one again. An endless of cycle that results in wanting to do nothing that I cannot break no matter how hard I try. 

It is near impossible for me to go out for breakfast and not order some variation of the bacon and eggs. No matter where you are, you know it will deliver you enough food to get you through until at the very least an early dinner. There is something about it that feels like ‘this is travel’. I’m treating myself but in quite a sensible way. If there is anything Australia is truly lacking it is a proper diner culture. I want cheap bacon and eggs and refillable coffee from a drip coffee maker every morning for the rest of my life. Toast that you can keep coming. Hundreds of variations on a breakfast potato. Unfussy service with a goddamn smile. 

The ultimate version of this is of course Beauty’s in Montreal. You know a concept works when it must carry its own merch. One day I hope to have a home and closet full of diner branded goodies. That’s when I will know real progress has been made.

We ended up staying for three nights in a hotel with no in room Wi-Fi, which at the very least should be classified as bad karma if not fully illegal in the year 2022. I am writing this while hot-spotting off my phone like an actual peasant woman. Next you’ll catch me scrubbing my delicates over the bathtub while humming a little folk ditty. I even went as far as to buy a hard copy Delicious magazine to help entertain me without chewing through my data too excessively. 

Another mistake because hard copy magazines are boring little advertisements that should remain limited to their sole remaining domain of the dentist waiting room. They had a whole spread dedicated to the tik tok feta and tomato pasta that had a viral moment MONTHS ago. Why do I need to pay to have old internet printed out?