You Could Try

The first funny bitch was Cain, who straight up lied to God after killing his brother.

He killed his yonger brother in cold blood because he was jealous of him. There is in no way anything funny about this. No hesitation just poped a rock over his turned head, droped his body over the edged and tried to lie to god about what he did. FUCK YALL CRAZIES!!!

oh are those the receipts, Cain is problematic now?

Cainceled 

The Original Problematic Fave

at my show he told us about this!! and then he also said that he got arrested with the same friends he went to the salt and pepper diner with and they were all named john and the police officer had them all lined up on his car and he asked the first guys name and he said john and then he asked john mulaney and he said john and then the officer said “if you say your name is john youre all going to jail” and then he said his name is john and the officer lost his shit

romeo: i had this intense af dream last night bro mercutio: oh so did i romeo: what did u dream dude mercutio: that ur full of shit

I fucking love this play

why don’t white people appropriate basic human compassion 

alright but what if every single one of the harry potter main characters eventually have a kid that they name “Fred” without knowing anyone else also did this (so now there’s fred potter, fred weasley, fred longbottom, etc) except they’re friends so all their kids are friends and as soon as one of them gets in trouble someone’s yelling “FRED” and 3-6 kids are turning around going “WHAT DID I DO” and I think that’s exactly the kind of chaotic legacy Fred would’ve liked to leave

Fred, Fredd, and Freddy sounds great!

i made this post two years ago and this is the only worthwhile addition anyone has ever made on this post

and here’s a link to an article talking about the changes trump has made to food safety protections