It's A Work In Progress

Onto lesson #2. Humble the Poet (am I allowed to refer to him as Humble as if we were old friends?) asked me in lesson two to write down things that I am grateful for. I feel blessed because that list would be ridiculously long, but let me narrow it down to 5 things. I am grateful for the following...

1. Being able to see the sun reflected in the buildings across from me

2. Having that amazing taste of fresh, perfectly cooled water (it’s not too cold but also not room temperature 

3. Being able to laugh, fight and talk to my partner

4. My parents always texting me good morning every single day (what I once thought was annoying has actually become a sign that everything is okay)

5. My health, and everything my body lets me do 

I picked small things because all of those things I get every single day. They bring me happiness every single day. Paying attention to the small things is necessary for ones happiness. If we are always searching for something big, we may be waiting a while. And it is important to realize how many small, amazing things are happening in our lives. I think that's one way of achieving consistent happiness. 

But Humble also mentions that you can’t be happy all the time. This point I agree with. It’s sort of like when you used to love eating ice cream as a kid because your parents would never give it to you. And then as an adult, you just binge eat it from the tub and it doesn’t have the same affect. Similarly with happiness, if you are happy all the time, are you really happy? 

Our brains have given us a multitude of emotions to be felt and I don’t think they were intended to stay quiet. As a person who rarely gets mad, I sometimes surprise myself when I can feel my anger brewing. Emotions allow us to learn more about ourselves and the things that affect us. There is a loneliness in always being happy or pretending to be happy. I pretended to be happy a lot in my life and it only made people not want to open up to a seemingly perfect person. 

There’s no destination to your life until you’re dead; at least that’s what I think. Every time it seems like you find the answer to something, it turns out it’s the wrong answer, or not a forever answer. I started getting comfortable in my ways and I am starting to feel a little stuck. Stuck in a routine, stuck in my career, and stuck in this feeling of un-special. Maybe this is what growing up is like, you can’t always have exciting things going on, but then why do I feel like my life has gotten significantly still. Some people say after planning a wedding you get withdrawal because you have a hole where you used to spend time planning for said wedding. I think I have that hole, and then some. I think I’m not getting out much and experiencing more.

When I think of personal growth, I think of my career and my skill set. I think about how I can better myself so that I can get that dream job or a better salary. I’m understanding now that personal growth is so much more than that. It’s about growing every part of you. Growing myself in my relationship, growing myself in my hobbies and self worth. I think I have been so focused on personally growing myself in different areas that I am now stuck in this place where I don’t know what to do with myself. Seriously. The other day my partner was working on something and I was just sitting on the bed thinking about what I could do and how I felt so useless. It was such a waste of time but I had no clue what to do with myself.

So here I am starting yet a different journey. I am going to try and develop the personal aspects of myself without thinking about my career or other people...I have such a poor habit of caring about making others happy. I decided to take some motivation from Humble the Poet’s book, “101 Simple Truths for a Better Life” and seeing if I can apply any lessons to my day-to-day.

The first lesson is “No Straight Lines”

The one sentence that stuck out to me was “Anything worth saying is worth repeating” It made me think of the things I say (which is a lot), and pick out if anything I say is worth repeating. What I could gather is life lessons taught to me such as everything happens for a reason, and idle hands are the devil’s play things. I don’t think the latter is worth repeating but some things I could think of that I don’t say enough is how much I appreciate some of the people in my life. I tell my partner enough (maybe too much to the point where he doesn’t care to hear it), but I don’t really say it to anyone else. Letting people know they are appreciated is so important. Yes, it can be assumed but it’s never the same as being told it. To hear something out loud.

I’ve never been able to deal with failing. The first failed grade I got was in grade 6 and I saw the red plastered “R” on my test. I broke down into tears as soon as I got it and my teacher needed to console me. To my teacher, it probably meant nothing but to me, it was like I wasn’t the smart person I thought I was. I’m also overly competitive so I’ve never enjoyed losing at games, races, crosswords, you name it. But none of those compare with the current failure I feel in regards to my relationship. 

In these blog posts I always come off as hopeful and happy and try to find a meaning to some of the situations I am in. Well right now, I find myself in a situation where I am constantly disappointing my partner and that feeling is almost unbearable. I am going to try my best not to cry while writing this post. 

Relationships are never perfect but I always thought mine was really close to it. I am in love with someone who adores me too and we always make each other laugh even when times are hard. But recently, I feel like I have been picking useless fights about things that aren’t important. That I have been making him sadder disappointed. I keep telling myself that my feelings and these fights aren’t worth it but then I see myself again, picking the same fights, having the same doubts. I’m scared. 

I’m scared that I have already ruined a good thing. I’m scared that I am creating distance between us. I am scared that I am leaving room in that distance for him to find comfort with someone else. I know he doesn’t tell me things. I know he sees/talks to friends without telling me even when I ask him about his day. I know because his friends tell me. I don’t know why he keeps it a secret from me. But I leave room for that. I keep pushing and pushing to the point where maybe he doesn’t want to tell me things. I don’t know. I just don’t know. 

When I was in university, I loved organizing dinners, and movie nights and weekend plans with my friends. It was just who I was. I never wanted to sit at home by myself. I needed to be doing something...not that I don’t like sitting in and watching Netflix once in a while. So when I slowly shifted into the workforce, it was important to decide who I was going to be. Was I going to be this hip, professional person; newly invented who adopted the mature demeanour or was I going to be overly energetic and continue to bug people to hang out with me while putting on team socials and drinking beers. 

I wanted to be the former. I wanted to be that professional, fancy employee that wore pencil skirts and made everyone think, “What does she do for a living??” I think a lot of people are intrigued by THAT person and aspire to be someone like that. But I hated eating lunches by myself. I hated that my voice had this professional, old-ish undertone that didn’t sound like me. I also couldn’t get into drinking three cups of coffee from Starbucks/Tim Hortons like a lot of working adults. 

So, like all people in this situation I needed to make a decision. Who did I want to be? Everyone always thinks this is a loaded question with too many different answers with each being subjective, but I personally had a simpler answer. I want to be the person where I was the most happiest. I wanted those traits. I wanted to be the fun-loving, ambitious, positive, kind of quirky girl who saw every day as an amazing opportunity. That’s the person that makes me the happiest. 

I am lucky enough to work in a place where I see the same people Monday to Friday, 9-5pm. So I started organizing lunches with my co-workers and networking events, health and wellness sessions, walks and breaks. I invited people to hang out after work and run errands with. I adopted the same practices I used in university, here in my workplace. But it didn’t just stop there. I made the active effort to connect with people in my past college program and friends from university and elementary school. I kept trying and trying and pushing to hang out with these people. I did this because this is who I was when I was most happiest. The girl who organizes dinners and get togethers. The girl who brings people together over delicious food and fun conversation. The girl who puts in an active effort to keep in contact with people she cares about. 

I once asked myself why I couldn’t be selfish. While I can’t quite remember the context of this question, I remember being frustrated at the fact that I couldn’t stop thinking about other people’s feelings. I just wanted to ignore everyone and put myself first. 

Putting oneself first is something we hear a lot these days. “You should focus on you” and “You need to make yourself happy”, things along those lines. But sometimes I stop and think about what that really means? What does it truly mean to put yourself first? Does that mean, ignoring any influences and listening to yourself? Are you ignoring the feelings of others? Are you only looking at options that make you the happiest? 

I think I have always had a problem when it comes to making people happy. I do it too much. This isn’t some humble brag, I’ve been told multiple times that I am “too nice” or “too thoughtful”. I bought cannolis into the office the other day and I was asked why. I honestly did not have an answer other than, I thought people would enjoy them. I didn’t know there needed to be a reason for bringing in treats to the office. But the problem is sometimes I genuinely lose sight of what I want. It is easy to be influenced when you are always trying to make people happy. 

The idea behind empathy is that you can not only understand how a person is feeling but you are able to put yourself in their position and act accordingly. There is an understanding of a person’s thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, when practicing empathy, you can feel it too much. You feel their pain, the anxiety, the sadness, the stress. You feel everything. Hyper empathy or empathetic reactivity is a thing; something I didn’t know a person could have. 

In an effort to understand people and prioritize their feelings over your own, you begin to lose sight of what you want. Heck, you don’t know what you want. This doesn’t speak to the level of maturity in a person but more who and what they surround themselves with. 

I won’t lie, there are times when I don’t know what I want. I stop and try to think about it but I just don’t know. And listening to what other people want, it influences what I think I want. It sucks sometimes because even when I think I have an idea; someone tells me they don’t like it or they don’t agree and then I am back to thinking that what they want is what I want. I know you can’t always make people happy; but not a lot of people can accept being sad to make way for others to be happy. The notion of, “if you’re happy then I’m happy” only goes so far. Some people say it but don’t mean it. I know who those people are in my life and therefore, know that when I hurt them, they don’t care if I am happy. And people can have the best intentions but not understand the damage they are doing. 

I’ve never been in a place where I didn’t have friends. Never. I entered kindergarten with my cousin. Started high school off with my best friend. University I clung to my roommate those first few months and then at college I was approached on the first day by some girl who I ended up sitting with for the majority of first semester. I’ve never been in a place where I didn’t have that friendship to help guide me through  a new environment. And then Toronto happened. 

I recently moved to Toronto to be closer to work and also to have a life that wasn’t living in my parents’s house. It was nice because I could finally be an adult and experience life in the big city and things so far have been amazing. But I realize that being here, I don’t have any friends. The majority of my life has been random hangouts with people I share my day with and getting beer at the nearest pub. Even organizing my life with a side of fries at McDonald’s. But when I got here, it never occurred to me that I didn’t have that. A huge part of who I am was just gone. I have not seen some of my best friends in months and I have no friends to talk to about the random things happening in my life. It isn’t the same as it was before. 

I guess you start to change when things like this happen. I’m not perfect in any sense of the word and I think I have been taking out all this sadness on someone I care deeply about. When you can’t focus on your friendships and spending time with people, you focus on random, stupid, unrelated things. I chose to focus on random, unimportant relationship things. So now I get into meaningless fights all ending in me feeling like a bitch for lack of a better word and apologizing to someone who is sick of hearing them. And when asked what has changed I can barely answer because it has nothing to do with our relationship. All I knew was something was different. 

Today my friend messaged me and she said she missed me a lot, and she wanted to have a fries and cries date. Like a lightbulb it hit me, not only did I miss her so much too but I missed that friendship that I have always had. That thing that made me, me. Those people who constantly lifted me up when I was down and who never fought with me. Those people who would tell me the stupidest things and I wouldn’t judge them for it n’or them for me. I don’t know who I am without those people. I mean I do know now; I’m a person who picks at everything and has no life of her own. 

Through this tear-filled post I realize that I have lost my identity. Things are not the same as they were when I first moved from my place. I am not a student. I am not super involved. I am not that girl with the many friends she can go to when she needs someone to talk to. I’ve lost a sense of who I am and I’m back to it being a work in progress for me. 

On December 19, 2015 I decided to write my dreams down. These were the hopes I had for my future and the goals I wished to reach. I was 21 years old and filled with excitement and an adventurous mind. The list was quite exhaustive. I thought about everything from education to what things would be like when I was an adult. I had every belief that these dreams would come true; that I would make them come true. As time went by I forgot about them. I forgot about this book that I wrote all my hopes in and I forgot about the things that I wanted to do. 

It is now January 28, 2018 and I am 23 going on 24. My life has changed quite a bit since I was 21 and even more drastically in the past year and a bit. Today I was rifling through my bookshelf and I came across this notebook. This notebook that was so carefully hidden that I didn’t recognize it was there until I found it and flipped through its pages. What was in these pages was a surprise I was not expecting. I can’t put it into words so I will list all my dreams from my 21 year-old self

1. Get into a Masters of Public Policy program

2. Complete the “To-Read” list

3. Volunteer with an organization

4. Witness Something Extraordinary

5. Get published in anything writing something 

6. Do a Reading Week trip 

7. Meet someone famous 

8. Make a difference 

9. Go see the Phantom of the Opera on Broadway

10. Do a pub crawl

11. Learn to play the violin

12. Make a successful creme brulee

13. Lose weight

14. Do at least five art projects on my Pinterest Board

15. Take a cooking class 

16. Get married to the love of my life

17. Get a puppy

18. Have beautiful, healthy children

19. Sing in public...not karaoke

20. Go to Italy

21. Find the perfect bakery

22. Spend time with both Mariam and Sara

23. Teach someone something in lesson format 

24. Learn a language fluently

25. See a movie at the Toronto International Film Festival (TIFF)

26. Eat at the revolving restaurant at the CN Tower

27. Go to a masquerade ball

28. Go to an elephant sanctuary

I can’t put into words how much this list moved me, and it wasn’t because I hadn’t achieved certain things on this list. It was because I had. I had done things without even realizing that they were on this list. I wrote this list over two years ago and things worked out so much more differently than I thought they would. But over two years later I am sitting here astonished that I was still able to accomplish those things. 

In 2016 I went on my first pub crawl with my best friends and found a love for beer that I did not know I had. I enjoyed exciting conversation with strangers and found the hidden gems in Guelph that turned the city into an entirely different place. I went on a Reading Week trip. I decided enough was enough and this was my last chance and I did it. I went to Mississippi and had an experience I will never forget. I got involved with an international organization called Sayfty. I learned so much about women’s empowerment and sexual assault and I had the chance to advocate for women around the world. 

I lost weight. Back then I was at my heaviest and I did not think it was possible. I hated how I looked and didn’t think I would ever get the weight off. And then I did. 30 pounds lighter I write this post with pride that I was able to do the one thing I didn’t think I could. I write this post with a body that I am happy with and continue to improve. 

I found many perfect bakeries, ones that drew me into them with their soft aromas and glazed pastries. I spent time with my best friends not once, not twice, not even three times; but an abundance of times that make me smile as I type this while thinking about the memories I share with these girls. 

I ate at that revolving restaurant in the CN Tower with my best friend in the entire world. It was a memorable night for me and a night filled with love and nothing but smiles. I loved that night. 

But the thing about this list that really got to me. The thing that I never expected to happen. The thing that I wrote thinking one way, and look at it with a new perspective now. “Get married to the love of my life”. When I was 21 I thought I knew what that meant. I thought I knew who that would be. Everything in my head seemed figured out and that notion of having the love of my life was almost complete. Almost. Then I actually found the love of my life. This amazing human being who completely swept me off my feet. He became my everything buddy and all parts of our life are intertwined in a way that I didn’t know could make me feel the way I do. I feel loved. I feel lucky. And we are engaged. I am getting the chance to marry the love of my life and for me that is a dream come true. It is amazing. It is extraordinary. 

Dear my everything buddy, 

This year has begun and we are already in a sad spot. It’s only been a few hours and I feel like we are down in the dumps with depressed thoughts swimming through our heads. I know it hasn’t been easy. I know there have probably been moments where you think, “why?” and I know there have been moments of tears and sleepless nights. I can’t say much other than, I’m sorry. 

I know I’m not perfect. I never have been. But I know we are perfect for each other. Through our ups and downs we manage to find a way through. I think this is what makes us so wonderful. Even in the toughest of moments, we look for the good. I hope we can always be like this. Sometimes I make poor choices. I am seeing that more and more, and it’s hard for me to come to terms with that. I thought I was always doing everything, and I know that isn’t the case. But you deserve everything. You deserved it back in 2014 and you deserve it now. So I want to give you everything. I am not sure where to start, because there are a lot of places, but I will start thinking more. I will start finding opportunities and I will continue building our relationship up instead of knocking it down. 

I know it can be hard to trust someone who is constantly letting you down. So I don’t blame you for having doubts. I don’t blame you or question you for anything. I know instead of trying to convince you to trust me, I need to earn that trust. And I can only earn it by doing something.

So my promise for 2018 is to do things. What a silly way of putting a new year’s resolution right? But I can’t think of a simpler way to say it. I wish to do things for us. While it won’t be immediate and it won’t be easy, I will do things. I will do things to make us happy, I will do things to make us excited for the next step in our relationship, and I will do things to always put a smile on your face and never let it leave. I want our 2018 to be even better than our 2017. I know it will be. I promise to be your everything buddy. 

Just to relay how much more exciting our 2018 will be, I want to talk about some of our best moments in 2017, starting with January 1, 2017. I called you that night at midnight because we weren’t together. I wished so bad that I could spend that evening with you and it didn’t matter who was in the room with me then, it just mattered that I was with you in some way. So we talked and I wished you a happy new years not knowing how 2017 would turn out. 

Then in February you went to Napanee and I missed you so much. But we had our own adventure driving to Montreal and going to places like Musique and that casino with your cousins. We stayed up so late that night even though we wanted to leave. But it wasn’t all that bad because I got to spend the night with you. And then we waited in line through a snowstorm to eat at a brunch place, who’s name I cannot remember. I don’t know how we did it but as I said before, it wasn’t as bad when I was doing it with you. 

In March we went clubbing with all my cousins. You almost got kicked out of the bar. I don’t think we have ever been that drunk and I watched you puke in my trash bin quite a number of times. When you flopped on my bed it probably would have been a good idea to let you sleep, but I was worried you might choke on your puke. I sat at the side of the bed awake until 7am watching you sleep and realizing that I could do that every single day if I had to because you were worth it to me. That night was so much fun and the following day we slept for 16 hours. Those were some of the best 16 hours of sleep I have ever had. 

April I went to a Raptors game with you. I believe it was one of our first ones together. It was so memorable because you had completely surprised me and I had a phenomenal time with you. That April I started a new tradition for my birthday with someone I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The Raptors won and I was convinced us and our cheering were their good luck charms. 

At the beginning of May, I started my new summer student job at MTO and you were a part of all of it. You helped me prep for my interview, even though I didn’t want to. You gave me advice for my first day, and you called me that night to hear every single detail. It felt so good to share my exciting moments with you. I knew this was the first step in an exciting career and I was so happy I got to share it with you. The person who I love so much and wish to share everything with. 

June came and it was the first time I was celebrating your birthday with you. I had no clue what to get you and I wanted to make it special. We went to Casa Loma and basically won that escape room thing. And then it was off to Joey’s for some drinks and dessert. I picked it especially because it had chocolate lava cake which I know is your favourite. I spent the entire day with you and it was perfect. Because for birthdays, all I want is to spend it with someone who truly matters in my life and I was happy you wanted to do the same. 

July was one of the hardest months in my opinion. You went on vacation with your family and I missed you a lot. More than I have ever missed anyone in my entire life. I spent those two weeks crying because I couldn’t see you, I couldn’t talk to you and our conversations over text where limited. It was so hard going those few weeks without you. But that feeling when you came back but the most amazing feeling. Watching for your car and having you surprise me from the parking lot moved me to tears. I couldn’t believe I had you back after that period of time. I never wanted to be apart like that again. 

In August I made the big move of telling my dad about you. I was so scared but I knew it was the right time. He had an interesting reaction but all-in-all I think we can say everything worked out in the end. You ended up meeting my parents too this month I think. It went a lot better than I thought it would and I knew they loved you the moment they saw us together because I loved you. Afterwards we went to Harper’s Landing and talked about the entire event. I love those chats at restaurants. Where we can talk about the most important things and the most random things. 

We celebrated our one year in September. It was such a magical evening. We went to the CN Tower and you treated me to an amazing dinner. It was more fancy than I was comfortable with but you said I looked right at home, something that wasn’t the case a year before. We talked over an amazing Toronto skyline and I teared up thinking about how we made it a year. You got me flowers and a necklace that never leaves my sight. It felt like we were celebrating a wedding anniversary, that’s how special I felt that night. 

October we took the step to making tradition with my family. We prepared a huge Thanksgiving feast from Turkeys to stuffing to garlic bread and mashed potatoes. You helped with food prep and we danced in my kitchen. The table was set for two more individuals this year and it made me so happy to know that this was going to be my family for the rest of my life. I was thankful to you and I was so thankful to share that evening with you. 

In November we had a surprise date with my family. Or at least a surprise date my dad had planned. Do you remember guessing and guessing what it could be? It was the ultimate triple date and I realized how much had changed since August. First you were a stranger, where encounters with my parents were a little uncomfortable or a little too new. And now, you were there, drinking beer with my dad and bowling. It’s amazing what a difference 4 months could make. Also you kicked almost everyone’s butt in that last round of bowling! 

Then this December my life changed for the second time since meeting you (the first being when you asked me out). In December, you proposed to me. We had been through a lot and it hadn’t been the easiest since I had moved back home but you proposed to me. After everything you still wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. That night we danced in your living room, in the condo we made home and you got down on one knee and asked me to spend the rest of my life with you. I cried then the same way I am crying right now as I write this post. Tears of joy are what I get when I think back to this moment and these tears will always re-surface when I think back to the perfect moment where you asked me to be your everything buddy forever. 

In 2017 everything changed for me. I started as a student in a new relationship, with no clue where my life was going to take me. Now here on the first day of 2018, I am a happy crying working adult, engaged to you who I admire and love so much. Our 2017 was hard and scary at times. I didn’t know where I was going or what I was doing but I knew that no matter what, I had you to join me in my uncertainty. Now 2018 is here and I have the utmost positivity that we will experience more excitement and love. We will plan our life together and go on many more adventures. While it won’t always be sunshine and rainbows, I will be with you through all those darker, scarier times. 

A new year means new adventures and I cannot wait to spend them with you. 

From, 

I recently started working full-time at the Ministry of Transportation. This is my first full-time “big girl” job and practically everything I aspired to have since September 2016. To many of my friends, I had “made it”. I’m working in a desired organization doing something I love doing, I’m making money, and I am done with school. I can finally start adulting, as millennials like to put it. But in my almost two months of adulting, I have learned that there are many adult-ish struggles. I consider myself someone who can deal with obstacles well, but it has not been easy. 

You learn that people are grumpy. They are not inherently grumpy, they become this way...which is arguably scarier. I have heard from so many people that they were hopeful once and then work got to them. It scares me because I don’t want to become like this; I don’t think many people do. But they wake up in the morning and go to a job they are not passionate about and take out their unhappiness on the poor soul who happens to cross them on a not so cheerful moment. I have dreams and ambitions. I am motivated and willing to work hard. But sometimes it gets scary, thinking that could become you. You could become the grumpy person who hates going to work. I have been told I have two years, if that, until I become cynical. 

I’ve also lost time to do the things I loved doing. I know that I wrote a whole post on making time but I think there is only so much time you can make. There are things I want to do, people I want to see, and very little time to do both. I can’t remember the last time I knit, or watched tv in bed. You can only do so much and unfortunately, I have pushed aside some really important things. Not to say what I am doing isn’t important, but sometimes it feels like you lose a bit of yourself. Like a part of you is missing. It’s just one of the things you may have to learn to live with once you start working. 

You also have to budget a lot more! Before you got student benefits and discounts on things you didn’t consider too expensive in the first place. But those students discounts make all the difference. Paying full price for transit is a nightmare and that stuff adds up! You are more money conscious and the reality of retirement and future savings really hits you. Because suddenly, you aren’t a kid anymore. You are a full-fledged adult with very important responsibilities. And sometimes responsibilities are expensive. Even if the responsibility is feeding yourself decent food during the week. 

But the hardest struggle of all, keeping up with relationships. When you’re a student, you have time to see your friends whenever you want. If you were lucky like me, you lived in the same town as all your friends in university. Sometimes you lived just down the hall from them.  But you move away and things aren’t the same. Gone are the days of chocolate cake and beer at 5:30pm or late-night runs to McDonald’s. You don’t know much about what is going on in their life and you don’t see them often enough to talk about it. This doesn’t even go for friendships but also relationships too. When people get busy they sometimes argue they are too tired to talk. Or too tired to hang out. Sometimes all the working and lack of time for yourself makes you insecure. It makes you wonder if you are doing anything right, including ensuring your relationship with your significant other is as strong as it can be. Making sure you aren’t letting that person down. 

A lot of this post may echo that of my “Happiness in the Everyday Post” but a lot has happened recently and I think this post needs re-affirming. Re-affirmation needed to ensure that I continue staying positive and don’t lose the root thing that makes me proud of who I am. 

I’ve been told on multiple locations that I am a positive individual. People always ask me how I manage to see the “good” in things. How I manage to bear the worst of people. I’ve been told a lot this summer that I am so “pure”, that I’m not wanted to be tainted by the real world. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I can remain so positive because I haven’t been tainted by the real world. Maybe I choose to live in a bubble of naivety that nothing can really make me into a negative human being. I’m like a 6 year-old, doe-eyed and bushy-tailed who has refused to grow up. But the thing is, I do see the world for how it is. I know how horrible the world can be. How unforgiving it is to the kindest of people. How rewarding it is to the cruel. I have seen how it can tear people apart, ruin lives and feed the fires of truly horrendous individuals. I’ve seen quite a bit in my time to make me a hateful, cruel, malicious person. But I choose not to be. There are times when I want to give up. When I want to say “screw it” and just give in to all the negative thoughts and the mean actions. It is so much easier to be that person. But I choose not to. 

I choose to be positive. Because life has given me some of the greatest things. And I have recognized that. I have recognized what I have been given. I’ve been given a family, one who loves me unconditionally and continuously looks out for me. I have been given food and shelter, a necessity and something taken for granted by many. I have been given an education and a job, something I know people don’t have the same access to as I do. I’ve been given a loving boyfriend, someone who I can say I want to share the rest of my life with and partake in as many adventures as possible. I know what I have and so I am grateful for those things. 

But I have lost as well. And I know what I have lost. I’ve lost people close to me, both too young and quite old. I know what it means to seize the day and I also know what it means to make your life one you can smile looking back on. I’ve lost trust in people so I know how important it is, both to give and receive. I’ve lost a sense of who I am, so I know how crucial it is to hold on to your truths and your beliefs. I’ve lost faith in the best of people, so I know how important it is to give out and how important it is to have. 

I think I can be as positive as I am because I know what I have but I also know what I’ve lost. It’s hard to truly appreciate something until it’s not there anymore. Only some are so lucky to have things returned to them. I can keep positive because I know the importance of what I have and I know that no good can come from thinking negatively. I know that positivity is forward thinking, negativity only holds you back. And life doesn’t let you step back into the past so we need to keep positively moving forward. Moving towards the things we want, and moving with the things we have. 

Throughout my life I have dealt with my fair share of difficult things like any other person. I’ve had hurdles, I’ve experienced loss, I’ve hit road blocks. While I can’t say I have experienced everything I can speak to what I know and what I know is this; the hardest thing to experience is saying goodbye. Goodbye is a very final statement. We use goodbye when we are seeing someone off or when we come to the end of something. Goodbye for me is the end which makes it so hard for me to say to someone and I have only done it a handful of times. Saying goodbye isn’t easy. 

How do you know when someone is leaving your life? How do you know when your encounter with someone will be your last? I don’t think you can ever know. Things happen and people part ways, it’s not easy to predict when you will see someone again unless you make plans upon departing. The only times I have ever truly said goodbye to someone was when I knew they were passing on. I knew it was the last time I would ever see them alive. To me, everything else, everyone else, has the possibility of being seen again. It’s been argued that it always sounds better to say “I’ll see you later” rather than telling someone “Goodbye” because a sort of pipe dream is created where there is a chance in the future that you may actually see that individual again. While it may not happen, it’s there in your head, that hope. It leaves you feeling a little less empty when you leave. 

However, in my small experience of “I will see you laters” and “Goodbyes” I have come to realize that life can be an “I will see you later”. Nothing ever needs to be final unless you or someone else decides that is the case (aside from the death that we will all sooner or later face). Nothing truly needs to be the end if you try. It’s easy to give up on seeing someone or going somewhere when it is too far away or too hard to keep working at. But the rewards of trying are much higher than that of giving up. 

I was 8 when my friend moved to Oman and 11 when my other friend changed schools. This was a time when Facebook wasn’t being used and phones were devices for older, working people. All I had was my email address and embarrassingly really bad dial up. My Oman friend was someone who I had known for 8 months. Over the span of 2 years I had only known her for 8 months. But I got her email and that’s how we stayed in touch. I emailed her twice a week when the internet was good and once bi-weekly when it was slow. My other friend, we had known each other since I was 6. It was the same situation though. We emailed when we could. We would see each other maybe twice a year in the same month, April, when our birthday parties would occur. I’m 23 now. It’s been 15 and 12 years respectively and those two girls are my best friends. I don’t see them every day. I don’t see them every month. I see one only once a year if I am lucky. But they are both my best friends. I can tell them everything. I don’t need to talk to them or see them all the time to know that they care and love me, and will be there if I ever need them. I don’t have a strong support group like them outside of a select few people. They are beautiful, empowering and wonderful human beings and I wouldn’t have any of this if I didn’t try. I wouldn’t have any of this if I said goodbye. 

When we are young and get into our first fight, our first real emotional fight. The kind of fights that don’t result in physical pain but the emotional kind that makes you cry and lingers on your mind until the issue is resolved. When we are young and get into those kinds of fights, our parents or guardians or whomever it is we look up to, comes to support us in our time of need. They hear the issue, they look for solutions. And eventually you will get the phrase, the one we all hear at least once in our lifetime; “Treat others the way you wish to be treated”. I have heard this said to me many times. I think it is a great way of living life. Because you would never want someone to be rude to you, so why would you be rude to someone else. I don’t like it when people swear at me, so why should I swear in general or towards someone. It’s the way we were taught to be kind people. It’s the way we started trying to place ourselves in someone else’s shoes. 

To treat others the way you wish to be treated means to think about what you would prefer in that situation and act accordingly. When fighting with someone, I would prefer for them not to yell at me, so in return I will not yell at them. You don’t want someone speaking behind your back, don’t do it to them. While this practice is never 100% successful, it is supposed to bring out the good in people and make them see that there is alternative ways of acting other than the means that they are currently practicing. 

However, I started thinking more and more about this phrase and sometimes I think people take it too literally. I don’t think whoever came up with this phrase meant for it to be used in every situation. Yet, I think we try to use it in most situations. If there is a disagreement, we think about how we would want to be treated in the situation and act accordingly. Or if we see someone upset about something we may think about what makes up happy and try those tactics on the individual. Well, I challenge the notion of treating others the way I wish to be treated and instead I think we should treat others the way they wish to be treated. 

When it comes to cruel acts, then it is a universal fact to be kind. Be the bigger person. Don’t harm others and don’t push them down. But in other regards, we are all different and we all want different things. We all handle situations differently and we all experience emotions differently. To treat someone how they wish to be treated means figuring out what their needs are. It’s figuring out what makes them happy and how they handle certain situations. And while it may not be the way you handle something, it is more respectful to understand their needs above what you think they need. 

When someone is going through a hard time and we can visually see that they are sad the first thing we want to do is ask them to talk about it. When they don’t want to talk about it, we argue that things will only get better if they do. But is it not thinking about what you or other people would want and not what that specific individual wants? Because we all open up at our own pace. We all express ourselves in different ways. And we all take our own time dealing with life. Empathy doesn’t come from treating others the way we wish to be treated. Empathy comes from understanding that people don’t act the same way we do and using our actions and emotions to try and understand how they do think and act. 

It’s a feat to ignore what other people say. I don’t think a lot of individuals understand that. It isn’t easy to not care about what others think. We are constantly seeking acceptance from the people around us. We want to know we are doing something right. We want to hear good things about ourselves. We don’t want to let anyone down. To not care about what others think is hard. You are always surrounded by people and someone is always going to have something to say. Whether it be making comments about your hair or your actions. Whether it be them discussing what you could be doing better. Or it could be anything from cooking to relationship advice. We always have something to say. I have heard many times from people that they don’t care what most people say and to that, I commend you. 

The words of those who don’t matter to you shouldn’t matter at all. The words of those that matter to you the most also sometimes don’t matter. A lot of times it is the rationale behind the words. Because those who have rational arguments often affect us the most. But it is us who decide what is rational and what is not. We are the ones who choose what makes sense to us, what affects us the most and ultimately, what we choose to listen to. 

But what if we can’t escape the words of certain individuals? What if the words echo in your head over and over again until you believe them? What if those words have zero chance of leaving you. “You are your worst critic”, this is a quote I have heard multiple times and have always agreed with. You are the one person that has the most sway out of anyone else in your entire life. You can’t escape the words in your head and you cannot escape the negative feelings you experience. You can’t escape your own criticisms. I am my worst critic. 

Many people are their worst critic. There are many times we tell ourselves that we can’t do something or that we are not kind or we could be better. Think about the amount of times you get down on yourself. I am sure that this happens many more times than you would like. Think about how you got out of those situations. Unfortunately, it isn’t easy. Because being your worst critic means not being able to listen to the words of other people. You truly believe what you are telling yourself that whatever anyone else says feels like a lie. You tell yourself that you are a bad person and no matter how many times someone may tell you how good you are, you are the only person that can truly convince yourself that you are good. Sure, the words of encouragement help get to that point but, they don’t make you feel 100% kind. Those words are the catalyst to acceptance. 

So what do you do? How do you stop criticizing yourself? I am not sure there is an answer to that. Some would argue to just not think that way but as much as we tell ourselves we control our thoughts, it’s not always the case. Someone arguing for you to not criticize yourself is almost like telling a depressed person to “be happier”. We can’t always control the way we think. So what do you do? You find the good. You find support. You find wins. Finding the good; try to find even a smidgen of something good in your situation. It doesn’t have to be big, it just has to be something and then you go from there. You find support; find someone who isn’t trying to solve everything for you. Instead find someone who will tell you good things about yourself and hug you along the way. Find wins; think about the good things you have done in the past. Think about how you have succeeded and realize that not everything is bad. We all have wins, big or small. They exist. 

I took a week long intensive leadership course this week and one of the topics that was discussed was empathy. What is empathy? Empathy is looking at something from the perspective of someone else and trying to understand the situation from the standpoint. The example that I like to use is when people pass a person who is homeless on the street. Most people sympathize. They feel sorry for the individual and give them money. A person who empathizes would give their food up for that person. Tell them that they need it more than they do. A person who empathizes will give the jacket off their backs understanding that the situation that individual is in warrants that kind of help and that one’s own problems are not as bad. Not everyone can empathize and one can empathize too much. 

Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. That is a phrase that is said quite a lot and practiced very few times. We often try but it is understandable how difficult the task is. Can we truly understand what a person is going through? In my class it was argued that one cannot empathize without going through the situation themselves. To this I disagree. We can always empathize. Empathy is isn’t understanding someone’s exact feelings, no one can do that. Empathy is understanding what someone is going through and catering your actions towards that. Sometimes it means putting your own emotions aside for theirs. 

But empathy isn’t always a good thing. Not when it is taking away from what makes you happy. You can’t always compromise your emotions. When you empathize with someone you can quickly forget what you’re feeling in order to make that other person feel better. It’s okay once in a while but it shouldn’t be done constantly. You are entitled to your feelings. 

I have this terrible habit of always trying to make people happy. To the point where I come off as passive with no backbone whatsoever. I can remember the last time I stood up for someone but can’t remember the last time I stood up for myself. The worst part? I know when I am doing it. I know when I am giving in. But I think about the needs of other people and my needs don’t seem as important. I’m sure I am not the only one that does this. We see sadness in others. We see a lack of optimism and we try to give that to someone not knowing we are taking away from ourselves. There is a point where someone can become too selfless. Selfless to the point where the people around you notice it too. But how can you make another person sad just for your own happiness? Especially when you empathize and know how they are feeling. You have put yourself in their shoes and you understand their sadness. What do you do? 

As the title suggests, this blog post in on the changes surrounding perceptions of romance, my romance. Well not so much changes in my romantic life but more so changes of my notion of romance. It occurred to me today that what I wanted a few years ago was so different than what I want now. What I wanted when I was 7 is different than what I want now. 

We all grow up with different notions of romance. Different notions of how it is supposed to be. Different notions of how we are supposed to be. We learn from our surrounding environments and tend to mirror whatever it is we hear or see. My environment was...Bollywood movies. At the young age of 7 I started watching Bollywood movies and my idea of romance had formed. I was never that child that wanted a “prince charming”, at least not the conventional one. I didn’t watch Snow White and hope for a prince to come rescue me. I never thought twice about Prince Eric from the Little Mermaid. For me, what really started my ideas of romance and what it should be, were Bollywood movies. 

The first Bollywood movie I ever watched was Kuch Kuch Hota Hai; a story about friendship, unrequited love and of course the conventional happily ever after. This is the movie that started it all. When I was 7 I really resonated with the character of Anjali because not only did I look exactly like her (short hair pulled back with a hairband, not so great eyebrows and dressed like a tom boy), but I also thought we had similar personalities. As I grew older the parallels between the character and I only grew. I liked a best friend, the best friend liked my best friend. Classic. But what I got out of this movie was that I wanted a best friend in a relationship. I wanted what Anjali and Rahul had before all the mess with Tina. I wanted to be best friends with whomever I fell in love with, because yes being in love is a wonderful feeling but being in love with your best friend is a level of comfort and a naturalness that is indescribable. However, from this movie I also learned that I needed to be more girly to get the guy. I had to wear more makeup, grow out my hair and change up my entire wardrobe. Kuch Kuch Hota Hai taught me to wait for the right one. Anjali never gave up and I knew I couldn’t either. 

Moving on to the age of 13 when I saw this gem of a movie. Pride and Prejudice is a renowned novel made famous for many reasons, Mr. Darcy probably being the main one. I loved the initial fighting between the characters of Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy. The sheer disdain for one another and the immense amount of tension made me crave for what they had. I thought that I needed to find someone I disliked only to fall in love with them because that’s what happened and look how it all turned out! What I really fell in love with was Mr. Darcy’s eloquence. The way that he said what was on his mind and how he spoke his feelings without holding anything back. The scene above is when he tells Elizabeth how much he loves her and while it doesn’t quite work out at first, I love this scene because he tells her exactly how much he loves her. It’s something that doesn’t happen often. We always assume that our loved ones love us back but sometimes it is nice to hear just how much. Mr. Darcy also did everything in his power to make Elizabeth Bennet happy without telling her. His acts were selfless. At the age of 13 I held out for my Mr. Darcy. The man who would tell me how much he loved me and make me happy without asking for anything in return. I was 13...you can guess how lucky I was. 

Moving on to a little older me, maybe 15. I watched Clueless at a pretty young age but upon watching it in high school, I became immediately hooked. I had gone from watching this movie almost once, to watching it at least 8-9 times before the end of high school. This is the stage of my life where I discovered I wanted the “average joe”. The guy who is sweet and soft-spoken and usually goes unnoticed. In this movie Josh is a huge sweetheart. He looks out for Cher and he is always just, there. He’s there through her bad relationships, he’s there when she finds herself stranded in the middle of nowhere and he is there when she doesn’t even want him to be. Josh was down-to-earth and I never realized how important that was to me until I watched this movie. He was interested in real world issues and not merely thinking about his wardrobe or if he looked perfect. To him, there were more important things. What I learned from Cher was similar to what I learned when I was 7; I needed to be more girly. But I also needed to start finding something I cared about. Cher found her passion and let go of all the trivial things and her life worked out for her. So at 15 I started to look for things that really interested me in hopes that one day things would fall into place. 

Jim and Pam from the Office. This was the goal of 19 year old me. I think many people can agree that Jim and Pam are extreme couple goals. This went back to me wanting to be best friends with the person I fell in love with. Jim and Pam were nothing without each other. When one was gone, things just weren’t the same and I wanted to be with someone who I knew I was going to feel their absence. I wanted to miss someone and I hoped they would miss me too if we weren’t together. I love Jim because he is the kind of guy that would buy you flowers just because. Or take you out because he thought you deserved it. No reason. Jim was the kind of guy that would tell Pam when he was having a good day and when his day was going terribly wrong and Pam would be there for him regardless. I wanted to be that person. Most importantly, Jim laughed at Pam’s stupid jokes but she wasn’t funny at all. Anyone who has watched even an episode of the show knows that. But to Jim, she was the funniest person he knew. They didn’t need much but each other and that’s all a 19 year-old me could ask for. 

This is where I am now. 23 years old and I have quite possibly taken a step backwards. I’m kidding. I know Enchanted is a movie meant for children but I see it as a lot more than that. I watched this movie back when I was 14 and took it for what it was. A fairytale. I then watched this movie again when I was 22 and it was like watching the movie for the first time. I watched this movie and realized a few things. One, I wanted to rely on myself more to find what I wanted in romance and a relationship rather than waiting for it. Two, I wanted a little bit of magic in my romantic life. And three, I wanted someone who would dance with me. Giselle, while naive at times is strong and hopeful. She is happy with what is out there and doesn’t dwell on the past too much because she looks forward to the future. Robert tries. I think at the end of the day that’s all we can ask for. Someone who tries and who will keep trying. No he isn’t perfect but people rarely are. Robert is chivalrous and takes care of Giselle in a way that makes her feel more empowered than saved. 

Everyone has quirks. Something they think is “cute” about them. Something that they assume people find cute as well. Interestingly enough, quirks can easily be seen as faults. What you think is cute about yourself, someone could think is outright annoying. We all have those quirks. Quirks is defined as a peculiar thing, so technically they could be good or bad. I had the enjoyable experience of hearing my quirks/faults. The thing is all the faults listed were things I already knew. I try to fix things. I over plan. I clean too much (which could fall under fixing things). It’s nothing I didn’t already know about myself. When we think about our quirks and faults we don’t really think about them. In the sense that we brush it off as something that is a part of us but we don’t usually think about where they stem from. I know I didn’t. Until today. Well it really hit me today, no thinking required. 

I’m not a parent but if I could ever give advice to parents I would say this. You can mess things up, forget birthdays, forget names, be too tired to play, too tired to cook, but the one thing you should avoid at all costs is fighting with your partner in front of your child. You’re solid. You are what supports your child and when you decide it’s okay to lash out in front of them, they lose all of that support. They lose their safe space. They lose their home. 

I fix things. I fix things because I have always fixed things. Playing mediator does wonders to your ability to “make things better”. Playing mediator to your parents? It makes you more of an adult than you’re supposed to be. Because when you’re a mediator you feel like you need to do something. You have been placed in the middle and you need to make it better or fear the feeling of choosing sides. So I fix. I fix what I can in hopes that this time it will stay fixed. 

I over plan. This one isn’t too deep rooted. If someone would like to plan, then please take the reigns. But not many people like to plan things. I over plan. When you plan things can’t go too wrong, right? Not really. And when things go wrong, they really go wrong. So the next time you plan, you plan a little more. The time after that you plan just a bit more. It adds up. 

The cleaning, that one I didn’t realize as much as I did today. Because when things are not great you need to keep yourself busy in hopes that you’re not dragged into the conversation again. Because cleaning makes things a little better, one less thing to fight about. One less thing to complain about. Cleaning becomes therapeutic and something like a safe haven. When I clean, I’m disconnected and nothing else matters and it feels like I am doing something right. 

8 months ago I never imagined I would be where I am right now. I hoped but I didn’t expect things to work out as they did. A year ago I didn’t even see my life going in the direction that it did. But this isn’t about the past 12 months; this is about the past 8. 8 months ago I started school. 8 months ago I started working out more. Almost 8 months ago I formed a new and very important relationship. All these changes and it only took me 8 months. 

Back in September I didn’t know what I was doing. I entered into a post-graduate program thinking it would be one thing, only to find out that it was something entirely different. I was new to an area and I didn’t have any friends. I thought I wanted to go into policy and work for the government but that dream seemed to slip further and further with every class I took. I heard nothing but negative things. That my program was going to be difficult. That February was going to be the darkest period of my life. How I would have to do things I have never done before like “information interviews” and networking. I would have to find a summer job or fear not graduating from my program. I had a lot of doubt. I missed Guelph. I missed the life I had made for myself over there. I couldn’t picture the end. 

But the months started passing by. One after the other as they always do. I was faced with the progression of time and needed to start moving forward and not look back as much. I made friends, and then lost touch and made new ones. I stumbled a lot at the beginning. College is not like university, I will say that much. I have never needed to work so hard on assignments in my life. So I stumbled, but I stumbled through. Then I started to gain my footing with a trip here or there. But this was just the beginning. 

I was told I needed to know exactly what I wanted to go into if I wanted to work for the government. That was an easy answer. Policy. I was wrong. 

No one told me how many opportunities there are in the government. But then again, I never asked. I think that could be said about a lot of aspects of my life. I never asked about other opportunities, so I never realized what was out there. I followed a very prevalent path that I didn’t stop to wonder whether or not there were other things more appropriate to what I actually enjoyed doing. Lucky for me, I found it. 

Then there are the friends I never thought I would have. The scary girl who speaks her mind and the intelligent one whose skills you wish you had. The people you don’t really want to make an effort talking to because you are sure the friends you left behind are the only friends you would need. But you can never have too many friends. And the new connections you form do not lessen the connections you have formed in the past. 

I networked and I went through information interviews. I became a pseudo business student from my arts degree, something I never saw myself doing. I actually acquired real life skills, something I didn’t imagine happening in my program. At least, not to the extent that it did. I became the class foodie, something I was used to. But, I also became the class gym rat, something I was not used to. I became a bro who talked about basketball. I became someone with cute handwriting. I became a ball of energy and a positive person and a hard worker and a good listener. I went from feeling new and a little lost to feeling a part of something. 

I got a summer job, at a place I couldn’t be more excited about, doing something that truly interests me. My worries from September seem so juvenile. I didn’t think I would make it through my program. I didn’t think I would get a job placement. I definitely did not think I would make the friends that I have now. I couldn’t imagine the skills I would acquire or the people I would meet. There is no way in September that I would imagine exploring Toronto, eating at amazing restaurants, watching basketball games with my best friend, speaking with various public sector employees, and making the city my home. But I did.