i get why this is going around again with a lot of people agreeing that fantasy is not reality and you can fantasize about whatever you want regardless of what puritans say etc etc etc. but tbh that was not the thing that was a revelation to me when it happened. it was the ‘actual sex is different’ part. not as in ‘it’s okay to have fucked-up fantasies’ but more like
if, while watching porn or reading smut, someone’s gotta get slapped in the face at least once for you to finish. if you can only get off to weird airtight tentacle stuff. if no one’s crying you’re not going to get there. if there’s not a torture chamber in the thumbnail you’re not clicking. that literally means nothing in terms of what you want out of actual sex. i don’t mean morally or criminally or whatever. i just mean on a practical level, in terms of arousal and ability to orgasm.
that was the part that took figuring out. before i actually had experience, that was not intuitive to me at all. even now, if i tried to watch porn where a loving couple made out on the couch while nonviolently fingering each other i would dry up like the fucking sahara. i’m not going anywhere with that. that’s nothing. as a Youth this caused me a lot of concern. but it turns out that in real life, with another person there, that shit’s fun!! it’s great!!! trying to stop myself from finding things hot was never about puritanism, it was about the fear that it was going to be impossible for me to get off with a partner unless i made enough money for elaborate costumes, some kind of sex contraption, and an on-site medic.
watching someone else ride a rollercoaster does not actually tell you anything about what it feels like to ride a rollercoaster. watching sports and playing sports are two very different activities. that’s the thing that felt like it should have been obvious, but wasn’t.