Trying To Eacape The Walls I've Built

Love my baby ❤️

My only escape are the words on a page. I've been trying to not write but the weight of my thoughts were bringing me down. So low, lower then I usually am. I've been trying to fight it because I don't want the attention, don't want to be weak. Tears and vulnerability are my enemy's. I fight them, and hold them back but Im starting to admit to my self that I am not strong enough. I am not capable of maintaining this outer shell of strength. So I write. No one even checks my page and I can write my heart out. Then I don't have to admit to anyone I know that I'm struggling. That I'm loosing hope, that I'm loosing self worth, and that I don't feel like I belong anywhere in this world. The few that do know only see the tip of the iceberg, and they think with a little help I'll be ok. I thank them for their encouraging words but it doesn't assure me. I don't know if anything will ever fix me. Maybe I'm ment to be broken. I hear broken things can still be beautiful . If I'm lucky someone will look at me one day and not see the broken thing needing to be fixed but something amazing that needs to loved.

In today generation so people don't really wants to know you. They want to see your social media and know what's going on but they don't want to know you are hiding behinde a filter. Watching the screen seeing if another comment or like popped up. Craving the attention and feeling alone when nothing comes through. They want to hang around with you but you have to bring the energy and support them but they don't want to see you sad because it makes them uncomfortable and they just " don't know what to say. " Getting to know someone means getting attached on an emotional level and finding out that this person isn't perfect and we don't want to know. Getting to know someone takes so much energy and we just don't have it, because we are also trying to appear perfect. Creating a fantasy bubble to saround us. Then it gets broken and the fragile, meterial " perfect" relationship gets tested and we find out it was nothing more. Shocked by the results, but we move along to the next one. Repeating the pattern but expecting different results.

Do you ever feel like you arent worth it? Not In a suicidal, my life isn't worth it kind of way. But more like I'm not worth the effort it Will take to convince me that I am enough for someone. I can't even convince my self that I am enough for my self. So how much more effort will this other person have to put in to convince me and show me that I am. My insecurities are sky high. I should place them in Gods hands but I mess up so much that I'm not worthy to be in his presence. I know I'm not and never will be. Thanks be to Jesus for his saving Grace I say but even those words don't give me the assurance and the constant feeling of worth. I am lost. Floating in the darkness that is slowly consuming me. I see a flicker of hope for a moment but then it is swallowed into the dark. Like me it to was consumed and put out. No warmth, no hope only blackness. I scream but no sound escapes this prison that I have created by building wall after wall. Thinkng it would save me but I fell victim to my own creation. The walls had a mind of their own and pretty soon the only goal it had was to suffocate any sign of life in fear of triggering the emotions it was trying so hard to bury. It told the mind emotions are dangerous, messy, clingy and if we keep them locked up no one will know that we are not ok. Put on a smile and say everything is great and no one will ever doubt that it's not the real you, no one will see the bloody hands of the one behinde the Wall trying to get out, pounding and screaming, growing weaker by the day. All she wants is someone to save her. Begging for someone to break the walls but knowing that no one can. The mind can't handle all those feelings at once. So she sits and waits for a Crack, a small light, a ray of hope. Praying that day by day it will grow until she is free once more.