sanction

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[ trigger warnings ! blood, parental death, child death ]

      the phone hits the floor with a sick crack as seungjin abandons it for the woman’s wrist, checking her pulse. he’s close. “ hey hyung, are you cold? ‘cause i have a spare hoodie in my bag if you want, ” woori offers, tone soft and easy, looking at seungjin with a soft smile like he’s not holding a blood soaked sweater against a woman who might have ruptured an artery and is losing way too much blood for her own good. it’s easy for woori to do this; to switch gear, to remain calm, to smile even as his fingers are warm and sticky, even as another life slips through fingers. though, he supposes it isn’t so for seungjin. he’s probably yet to seen enough deaths to be so, casual with it so the medic adds, “ hyung, hey, hyung. ” woori nudges seungjin, shifting closer to him. “ she’ll be alright, you’re here, i’m here and the ambulance will be here soon, you’ll save her. she’ll go home and her children will get to hug her and kiss her, she’ll be okay. so, breathe, okay? ”

he should be used to it. he should be used to dying. a person dies every seven seconds, if not more often than that, and seungjin spends his days amongst hundreds of dying people. yet, he finds that he’s never prepared for the inevitable. it hurts the most when it’s children. when it’s children being wheeled into surgery, never coming out; when it’s children weakly clutching their parents’ hands before they let go; when it’s children that never wake up from a night’s sleep. it also hurts when it’s the elderly: the ones that their kids have forgotten and they die alone, the ones that try to hang on for a while longer, to be with their children just a couple of seconds more. it hurts when it’s mothers, and fathers that die. it hurts every single time. and he knows that the hurt never changes, never subsides, you just learn to deal with it better. and though the pain is easier to manage than it was before, it doesn’t change the fact that his whole chest aches because she doesn’t deserve to die. “i’ll do it later, thanks.” he smiles at woori’s offer, both glad that he has woori by his side, and a bit disappointed in himself because he should be the stronger one. he knows woori can feel his fear, and it shouldn’t be that way. because seungjin is older. because seungjin is the trained professional.

but considering the things he’s learned recently, it doesn’t surprise that woori isn’t affected by any of this. a part of him groups woori along with the rest of them despite the fact that he’s here, helping seungjin instead. he feels the warmth of woori’s body next to him and despite the conflicting thoughts inside of his head, his own muscles relax just a tiny bit, and seungjin can smile more sincerely now, nodding. “yeah, i know.” he agrees, though he knows the words whole practically no truth to them. they’ll save her. or not. they’ll move on, despite what happens. maybe he’ll move on from the fact that someday woori kills him. or the other way around. they’ll move on from the fact that they’re supposed to hate each other. or they will end up being enemies. either way, they will move on in one way or another, and seungjin can’t change what’s already determined. “hey, i’m gonna go see if the ambulance is here... so they don’t have to search for us, you know.” he announces in a quiet tone before standing up and heading out the alley to both wait for help and clear his mind.

seolhyunmi‌:

“it’s been four years since then – since… —- they made me sleep with all kinds of men – women …”  she hopes he knows what she’s implying,  for she’s unable to say it out loud.

it’s not until a few moments later that seungjin notices the tears rolling down seolhyun’s cheeks and almost immediately guides the car towards the side of the road, though it proves to be quite difficult to do with one hand. he comes to a stop without letting go of seolhyun’s hand and puts the car in park, letting the engine run as he scoots as close as he can manage, fingers wiggling out of her grasp just so he would embrace her with both of his arms. “seolhyun...” is all he manages in a whisper, not knowing whether he should cry or get angry. 

at this point, he just feels defeated. seungjin has no idea how to help his friend, he knows it’s not easy if not impossible to put the gang life behind them. the difference between seungjin and seolhyun, though, is that she never asked for any of this. and seungjin can’t help but feel extremely devastated. he wipes the tears running down her face again and again as they keep coming. for now, all he wants to do is hide her from the world. “how much money is it? i- i think i could have enough money to help you out.”

[ trigger warnings ! blood, gore, parental death ]

     woori falls to his knees by seungjin’s side, reaching into his bag and pulling out the first aid kit he keeps on him just in case he’s called. he unlocks it and flips it open, baring its content for seungjin. “ judging by the amount of blood, the wound might have ruptured an artery, ” he says as he puts his hands on top of seungjin’s nudging them away softly to take his place. “ there should be enough in there to make her a temporary solution and bring her to the hospital where they can patch her up properly. you know how to do that right, hyung? ” woori looks straight to seungjin, a sheepish smile curling lips. the medic could do it, like he’s done so many times before but seungjin is trained, he should know better than woori, shouldn’t he? “ i’ll maintain the pressure and try to stop the bleeding, you can do that instead. ” there’s still a chance; they can save her still, he tells himself and turns away from the image that keeps flashing by. 

if he were to have a moment, he would confront woori. shove him against the wall, grab him by his throat, demand answers about what’s he’s doing in a gang. there’s a commotion inside of his brain because how could this boy, how could the innocent woori be this vile, this horrible? he feels woori’s hands nudge is own and his throat burns for the briefest of moments because this is unfair because they shouldn’t be in this situation, ever, but his concentrates again, knowing he’d regret letting this woman die much more than he would regret not yelling at woori for lying to him. “yeah.” he lets out a breath in response to the younger’s question as he looks through the kit, finding just enough gauze to bandage a bleeding leg, but not to stop a bleeding abdomen.

          he says her name like a stranger and it upsets her that he’d said it so tenderly before for it to become this. it pains her that he used to say her name like it was an honor but now it’s poison on his lips. so why is she so weak to let it continue? to drag on this act instead of saying anything? the truth is, she’s afraid of what’s coming. she never thought she would be afraid of him, for any reason, and fingers lace into his hair, body pressed against his, clinging to him as if it’s the last, as if he’ll disappear the moment she lets go. 

he did love her at one point. he still loves her, he thinks; he hopes. seungjin still feels peace wash over him when he looks at her. he feels like she could help him with whatever troubles his mind. but it’s unfair for eunmi to be forced to take care of him. he is a man, he shouldn’t be so weak, he shouldn’t be so emotional. he needs to take care of her, not the other way around. just like when she was younger and would hurt her ankle, he would carry her as he should now. just as he would apologize first when they were younger, he should apologize now as well, but instead his drunken self can only squeeze her tighter so she doesn’t slip out of his grip.

he feels her fingers in his hair and it feels like it’s the only thing he’s ever needed. eyes slowly falling shut, he sighs. “i’m sorry eunmi.” he slurrs his words just a little, fingers curling into her dress tighter so she can’t get away. he wants to tell her what’s bothering him. seungjin wants to tell her about his father who is being tormented by someone he doesn’t know - something she hasn’t been made aware of for over a week now. he wants to tell her why he’s been avoiding her, why the only time he would see her was when his tongue was down her throat and his hands up under her skirt. but saying those things would make the whole situation much more real. giving an explanation would not make anything better. it wouldn’t change the fact that perhaps he deserves all this. he doesn’t know why, but he must deserve it, right?

“i love you, eunmi. i love you so much.” it’s more of a plea than a declaration. a plea she forgives and forgets even though he doesn’t deserve her kindness, a plea that all of this stops even though he’s a bad person who must have done something terrible to lose his mother and now be this close to not having a father.

“i’m sorry.”  she speaks up eventually,  fingers fiddling anxiously.  “it’s – it’s not easy to explain.  it really isn’t.  but i’m scared if i tell you,  you’ll – you’ll see me in a different light.  maybe you won’t want to be my friend anymore.  and … you know i don’t really have many friends.”  her eyes stay fixed on her lap,  trying to will herself not to cry.  she never cries.  “i’m just so scared.”

it’s funny, he thinks, how he’s a considerably indifferent man. but when it comes to seolhyun, he finds that he can’t really help but care about her immensely. he wants to shield her from the world, to protect her, possibly mainly because she’s the only piece of his childhood memories left tangible. so he wants to keep her around. he wants to make sure she’s safe because if there’s one thing he’s sure of in this world is that seolhyun will stick with him through thick and thin, just how he would do the same for her.

the silence lasts longer than he had hoped and although he doesn’t expect an answer, he begs for one. he can deal with any kind of answer. he will be fine even if she yells at him or tells him it’s not his business. even if she yelled at him and told him to fuck off, he would be there, in his car, coming to get her the next time she called. once she apologizes, he can feel his stomach turn. perhaps he shouldn’t have said anything. seolhyun wouldn’t have to feel bad if he only decided to stay silent. but he knows that either way the negative aura would linger.

“seolhyun.” he looks at her for the briefest moment when the empty street allows him to, his hand on her trembling fingers as he gathers them in his palm, squeezing reassuringly. “no matter what you tell me... you’re going to be the same seolhyun. you’re still going to be someone i care deeply about. the only difference is will be that i will be able to help you better than i do now.” 

     “ hydrus got a few of our guys on the other side of the square, ” the medic doesn’t even need to finish his words and the soldier’s rushing off, pushing his dagger into woori’s hands, a weapon to protect himself perhaps, “ keep an eye on them! ” woori meets seungjin’s eyes and simply hums in understanding. there it all goes, he supposes.

the night shift leaves his body aching. forehead presses against the cold window of the car, eyes following the passing houses, then eventually losing focus. seungjin wants to sleep. he can’t sleep. there’s a sense of dread in the air; thick and palpable. he isn’t quite sure why his stomach turns when it’s a morning like any other. except when it’s not. “stop the car.” seungjin jerks back into sitting up in the backseat, his driver stopping promptly. “get out of here, go home, i’ll call you. don’t tell me to not go.” he instructs sternly as he climbs out of the car, shuts the door and hurries to where the crowd of people have gathered around a display of soon-to-be execution.

moments later when screams ring in his ears, a part of him wishes he never got out of the car. 

police and ambulance sirens wail in the distance as he tries to get as far away from the crowd as possible. as long as innocent bystanders are in a crowd, hydrus can’t kill them all. as long as they’re in a crowd, there will be someone out there to help them. that’s not to say for the people that make a run for it, that are left alone and unprotected in the darker alleys where their bodies would not be found for the next few hours or days. 

he follows into an alley where a string of begs and cries are heard, the woman already on her knees, begging the man not to kill her. she has kids. two girls and one boy. they’re five, eight and nine. seungjin grows too angry to hear more. “picking on a woman might be a little too low even for you.” seungjin yells once he’s close enough and sure that the man won’t shoot the woman on sight, his own gun aimed right at the man’s head. “let her go.” the man grins, seungjin wishes he was horrible enough to shoot him right then and there. “you stupid fuck, i said fight me inst-” his blood runs cold as soon as he hears a familiar voice. woori? is that really- “what the fuck” seungjin mutters under his breath at the nickname that leaves the gang member’s lips. mercy? hoping the man is too preoccupied with the other person, he turns his head just the slightest, managing to catch a glimpse of the face he really hoped not to see. seungjin’s eyes meet woori’s for the briefest of moments and seungjin feels like throwing up.