I had one fuck to give and it was gone.

The first time I realized it was when I had a huge discomfort about living in my own house. That time, rats like to swarm and trample my belongings as they please and it pissed me off. I have thought for ways to move away from the house, but I don’t have money. I am powerless and weak, and it made me angry. However, I realized the anger of being powerless and weak (like what you see usually in 8s) didn’t last very long. I was angry, but it was as if my own body refused to get truly angry. Because I learned that being angry makes me uncomfortable. The desire to live in comfort and how I repress my anger made me think, “what if I’m a 9?”

The moment I realized that I’m a 9, I felt like something like a turbulence inside me got turned off. Maybe that’s what it called when someone has no doubt in their mind anymore. I always refused to type myself as 9 because I don’t think like I’m someone who’s always calm and harmonious, even my friends wouldn’t believe that I’m a 9 judging from my bad temper. But then I remembered what istj-hedonist said in this post.  The desire for “peace” in 9s doesn’t mean “valuing group harmony", “bending themselves to please others” or “i want that everybody gets along with each other”, that’s more a 2 or 6-thing. “peace” for 9s means “i want to be left in peace”.

I started to align it with motivation, disintegration and health levels. My laziness? My 6-like skepticism and fear when I got unhealthy? My stubbornness and passive-aggressiveness? My frequent mistyping because I think like I have each of the enneagram’s traits but not exactly that type? It all fits with 9. I might not be as calm as other 9 but that’s probably because I have a w8. And I might have give the impression of an 8 because of my temper but I am, at my core, is still a 9.