Let's dance in the storm that is life.

She's so fucking happy to be in my drawer lol Hash tag spam . . . . . #cat #kitty #kittycatlove #ilovecats #ilovemycat #instacat #instapets #instapet #ilovemypet #fluffycat #fluffycatsofinstagram #catofinstagram #catofinsta #prescriptionkitty #bitchkitty #sleepycat_feature #followmeplease #followforfollow #follow4followback #follow4follow

My clothing is already covered in cat hair so why not. . hash tag spam 😸 . . . . . . #cat #catofinstagram #catofinsta #ilovecats #instacat #sleepycat_feature #sleepingcat #fluffycat #fluffycatsofinstagram #kitty #kittycatlove #instapets #instapet #ilovemycat #prescriptionkitty #bitchkitty #followmeplease #followforfollow #follow4followback #follow4follow

Broke the cat #instacat #catbelly #catsofinstagram #fluffycatsofinstagram #ilovecats #orangekitty #longhaircat #cat #prescriptionkitty #sleepingcat #sleepycat_feature #happycat #rescuecat #adoptdontshop #catfeet #followmeplease #followforfollow #followtrain #follow4followback #follow4follow

I am angry. I am sad. Yet I can't pin point this discontentment. Instead I sit here quietly, instead of screaming as the voice in my head is so desperately trying to escape. I am so afraid of people leaving me for who I am. I have always hidden myself from the world, but now I am open and honest... I still don't feel complete. Tonight the darkness is on my heels, I am running. No one sees me, no one ever hears me. Its okay, she'll be okay. They said this while I sat their smiling, while screaming on the inside, I AM NOT FUCKING OKAY!!! How could they not see my pain, wasn't it written on my face, wasn't it heard in my words, why are they ignoring my pain. I am drowning in it, don't you see me? Don't you hear me? Please for the love of all things, see me. They don't and they choose not too. So, I learned to play the part. All the while my heart was breaking more and more. Tonight, oh tonight, I was suppose to go see them, I was suppose to introduce them to one of my loves. Instead I am a disappointment via text and now our reschedule I am not invited to the place I called home for those lonely high school years. There's nothing worse then being in a crowd of people, especially people who are suppose to love you, and feel like the outsider looking in. I am always at the window, I just want them to bring me in their arms and hold me while I weep away the worlds hurts. I want to weep away those hurts so badly, but you see i can't do this. I tried once to go in the house, I wasn't on the outside looking in, but I wasn't myself either. I became quiet, I hated me. I hated every inch. Don't get me wrong it wasn't all bad, and I have a lot of good memories, but at the same time I want to rip them from my brain as they feel like dirty lies on top of broken promises. You know who pulled me in, a man, I have always been a lover. until I met him. He was different, and yet so much the same, but you see I was lonely. So, very very lonely. You see, he saw this. He took it and put my loneliness in a box, and said no now you will feel this. I tried so hard to be perfect for them, but I was always to loud, or crude, they made me feel uneducated, and that my own family was nothing but user and abusers, not that they are perfect by any means. I was so alone, and so afraid. He continued to take my stuff away, slowly by slowly, I used to be this thin thing. I was so foolish back then, I wish instead of being told if you keep eating that you'll get fat. Here's a secret, I used to not eat. I have such an unhealthy relationship with food from this. You know what is the saddest part, she's has no idea she effected me this way. However, back to the tale at hand, he saw through my disguised he taught me to do what he does. Eat my feelings, you feel lonely go binge on that bag of cookies in the cupboard. Eventually every time you feel something, only food makes it better. I gained weight quickly, I was so afraid to ask for help, I went deeper in my own head. In that little black box. In their everything is kept, but here's the thing about boxes, they can't hold everything and if you over stuff the box, it well, explodes. This is where the false promises start to come to light. When he realizes that his wife, is really broken. That she has so much in her head that its killing her. He tried at first, but when he realized she wasn't going to be fixed over night, he started his other games. Slowly, slowly he took control away. I just wanted to feel complete. I just wanted to feel that love. The love we used to read about in the middle of the night by the light of the moon, or flash light. Instead, I was just another disappointment to someone else who was suppose to love me. The gods and goddesses have a funny sense of humor. The one thing, I wished in my hearts of hearts, was to be a mom. Instead of being blessed with motherhood, I am given ovaries full of cysts. They tell me fertility treatments might get me pregnant, but then it might be a miracle. At the tender age of 19, I held my husband's hand while my world fell apart. I think that is when it got really bad, I tried to leave. I was so afraid, I wasn't happy, I wanted to just go to sleep. I got lost in my books, in the world of video games. I struggle to keep a job. I am a really hard worker, but on those dark days, those days where you just can't. Where I just can't. I wish I didn't have so many of those days. I wish I could just be happy. I wish I didn't have to rely on drugs both prescribed and pot. I wish I could function, I wish I could not be so scared and sit in the sun. Instead I get stuck, unless someone pulls my hand. I am scared I have to call my job tomorrow. My anxiety is telling me to die, as its easier and better then dealing with this. Its a constant fight, even those dark days where I can't get out of bed, I have to still fight. It be easy, I was almost successful, but my puppy (primary partner/boyfriend) he found me. I am lucky to be alive. Yet everyday, I want to just embrace the emptiness. Everyday, I fight to stay here. Please be worth it. Please, I just want to sit in the sun. I want to embrace the light. However, if I shove it all in the black box, if I forget about it, it goes away... right? Oh little me, how I wish I could wrap you in my arms, and sooth our hurts. Show you that though you felt really alone at times, its not like that now. You have people who really love you. I want you to feel that warmth that I feel every time one of mine takes me in their arms. I want you to know, you're not alone. Then I would show you my little love, that you don't have to be responsible anymore. You don't have to take care of them. They are now grown, though it isn't the life that we dreamed for them, but they are living. To my teen self, I would show her that she's so much more then she realizes. Again, filling her with all the love that is around me. I would tell her she's good enough, and that deserves better then she thinks. Show her she is more than their mother. She can let go now. So I can let go. I am not responsible for my sisters. What has happen to me, people should be in prison for. He, my husband, as I am so afraid I can't do the steps I need to break free of him. Karma will take care of him, for I will find my happiness. I hope in the future to have this be more coherent but its been a long time since I have been able to sit and write more than a word. It has to come out, and I have to find my audience and my voice. My therapist says to help heal the wound caused by trauma, it needs to be witness as a community. Those who need to hear my words, my anger, my sadness... they're not ready too. However I can't wait. I am done holding my words. I want to feel complete and not alone in a room full of people who love me. Blessed Be

Picture found on #pinterest #pentagram #witchcraft #witchyart #witchesofinstagram #recolor #recolorapp #coloring #copingskills #coping #followforfollow #follow4follow

She was trying to move my leg closer to her. #pets #petsofinstagram #catsofinstagram #catsnuggles #cat #fluffycat #prescriptionkitty #bitchkitty #follow4follow #followforfollow

#recolorapp #recolor

Feeling a bit #witchy today. #selfielove #followforfollow #selfie #selfconfidence #bbwgirls #bbw #chokers #amathyst #feelingpretty #wethair #cleavage #bodypositive #bodypositivity #loveoneanother

It still is amazing to me that my #hair is as long as it is. #bodypositive #bodypositivity #bbwgirls #bbw #feelingpretty #bbwinstagramersinstalikes #greeneyes #nomakeup #lovingmyself

The #cat found the perfect spot to stare at @lonewolf8003_mjk phone. She's such a #weirdo but we #love her. #catsofinstagram #kitty #kittycat #prescriptionkitty #bitchkitty #silly #sillycat #poly #polylife

#gross #overtheheat #nomoresummer can't wait for the #rain to come back

Waiting in the #car for my partner. Jamming to #pandora while I wait. #foot #feet #footmodel #legsfordays #toes #tattoo #tattoogirl

Happy 4th of July. Hanging with one of my partners on this super lovely July evening. #happy4th #poly #polylife #happy #silly #tongueout #tongueouttuesday #bbw #bbwgirls