I have the privilege to mentor some young guys almost every day. This week, one of them found out that his ex-wife had remarried. It might not seem like a big deal to some, but he’s only 25. Another guy I know is 35 and has already been married three times.
While chatting, he looked at me and said, “It’s not like when you were young, Troy.” I reminded him that I got married at 18, separated by 21, and was divorced by 22. Suddenly, a single dad with two boys was thinking, ‘No girl will ever want us!’
I have a couple of young women in my life who feel the same way. One is in her early 30s and divorced, and the other is in her 40s. Both want to find lasting, meaningful love.
Interestingly, they all feel like life isn’t what it used to be. Why is that? What’s really changed?
I think we’re dealing with two major things these days:
1. Comparison: With social media everywhere, we constantly compare ourselves to others based on their perfect online lives. People put on a show, hiding their struggles and insecurities behind this ideal image that looks flawless.
2. Self-indulgence: Instead of taking a hard look at why we’re feeling what we feel, we let algorithms feed us what we want to hear, which just keeps us feeling unsatisfied.
For example, we scroll through our feeds and see all these “happy, successful” images of others, making us crave that same lifestyle. Then we start searching for things we think will create a life like theirs.
Before we know it, those algorithms are hitting us with more articles and images we want. At first, we get a kick from it, but then reality hits hard. Our excitement fades, and we might end up feeling worse than we did before. It’s like the body keeps score!
Next thing you know, we’re saying stuff like, “Why can’t you be like him?” or “You used to take care of yourself, like her.” Thoughts like, “Why can’t you have grades like your siblings or classmates?” pop up too.
Yet, we look in the mirror and the self-talk gets brutal: “I’m fat, I’m skinny, my body doesn’t look right, I don’t look the same as the guy/girl in the picture.
And sometimes it has nothing to do with our bodies. Sometimes it how other’s lives look so peaceful and calm, while ours feels like a Nightmere on Elm street.
These feelings of NOT Being Good Enough were less common in earlier generations. So we end up stuck in a fantasy that feels more like a nightmare than an adventure.
As I listened to these young adults talk about wanting the kind of relationship I have, I asked them to describe what they think my relationship looks like.
I won’t spill the beans on their perceptions, but I’ll throw out three questions for you to consider:
1. What three words define a healthy relationship for you?
2. Are you living by those three words in your current relationship?
3. Do you make excuses for people in your life when they keep crossing those important boundaries, especially when it's you?
If you want the kind of love you’re dreaming about, it all starts with you! You’ve got to figure out what I’ve learned and begin working on your PIES:
- Physical Self
- Intellectual Self
- Emotional Self
- Spiritual Self
You can’t do this by yourself! We weren’t made to go solo, scrolling through feeds, binge-watching videos, or dreaming about “what could have been.”
More bluntly, you weren’t meant to build relationships based on the false security of an OnlyFans world—feeling so hurt and lonely that you end up isolating yourself while pretending to be wanted and loved in a completely transactional way. On both ends!
