while I'm here for a minute, sure, may as well post another one of those personal log update thingies, it's been a while, alot's changed. No clue if anyone still sees these things, and I don't need them for myself anymore, but hey, why not. It's 2:30 am and I can't sleep.
August came, got the results I needed. September came, one of my main discords got completely annihilated and I fell out with most of the people I knew, and I had been pretty disillusioned with my other main discord/ support network for a while by that point. Had to go the rest of the month mostly alone.
Then, the 27th came, and I moved out to uni, just as planned. Had E by the 10th of October, dealing with Crypto BS was a pain in the ass but it worked out.
Obviously, Uni came with alot of freedom. Being who I want and saying what I want, Going where I want. And, as expected, this made it alot easier to connect with people. By the end of the first day, I kinda had an idea of the flatmates I'd best get along with, and I was right. One of them had a wider online friend group, and, perfect, new discord right there.
It shocks me to think how much this kinda thing is taken for granted by most people. Having actual friends you can hang out with. When you've been forced against your will and preference to be an outside your entire life, to be cut off from 90% of everyone else's social life and miss everything, you really don't get to have the same level of connection, and having it makes such a difference in ways I really can't describe. No more sitting in silence not wanting to bother everyone else, no more picking up scraps of socialisation when people either feel bad or are doing it ironically, I just. Have friends. Can I rely on them? not really. Can they rely on me? Also not really. We're just a bunch of dumbass uni students in the same position, doing our best together, living and learning, and I wouldn't want it any other way.
ok, back to the E for a minute. Took about a week for noticeable changes to kick in, reassuring me that things were working fine. So far, nothing that I'd say has really improved things for me or the way I feel about myself, but that's fine, it'll take time. I mean, except the gayness. Another thing I was right about: not actually being aroace, and getting more comfortable with liking women the more I feel like one. That E induced gay yearning hits different. But yeah, other than that, not much
I'm fine to keep boymoding for now, especially since I'm still riding the high of having freedom and friendship. And even then, it's still "boymoding", not even being closeted, it's very much just "I'm Sam, I'm a trans girl and it's short for Samantha, just doing whatever's comfiest rn". No deadname or secrets.
Got distracted from the E again lol. Point is, I'm perfectly fine with that being a background thing. I can wait, I've got enough to enjoy without needing to hyperfocus on that part. I have tried on some skirts and thigh highs though. It was pretty nice.
This has basically just been an experience of going "huh, I really was right about everything all along". Uni really did fix things that easily. I really do feel much better already. I always kinda wondered what would happen if I was wrong, whether I'd slip back into being suicidal or just set a new target for when things would get better. But none of that matters now.
Well, another thing I was right about is it being a quick fix for being completely miserable but not necessarily being instantly healed. I have alot less problems now, but still don't handle problems that well. Anything from my old life being brought up kinda just brings me back there. I'm not actually healed, it's just that nothing much is happening to trigger those issues. Well, nothing I can't fix. I mean, no, some of it's definitely with me for life, but I can work with that, it'll be fine. But yeah, currently home for the holidays, most of my friends aren't talking as much because they're doing the same, so it's been... a struggle. cba to elaborate much, don't think I need to, don't wanna take away from the overall tone of the post.
If things get worse now? It doesn't matter. I've finally had a part of my life I enjoy. I've seen what life can offer, I've seen the endless possibility, so even if things DO take a turn for the worse, I know I can get back here. It's easier to think about returning to a point in your life than it is to think about a high you've never experienced.
Well, what now, what next? Tonight I took my single mid-trip E shot, all I gotta do is keep the bag hidden for the rest of the trip which should be easy enough. And as soon as that's done? I'fe succeeded with stealth. Forever. Every ideal condition met, every step of the plan without an issue, even when new unexpected complications came up and I had to adjust for them. Once me and my friends are back at uni, it's time to go mask off... or on, considering the whole "stealth and loud" analogy. The part I'm looking forward to more than most people, coming out.
It's a scary experience for most people. These are people very close to you, who you can be completely unsure of how they'll react and how badly things might go. Not knowing what your life might look like after telling them.
But for me? Already got enough reasons to hate them, been planning on no contact long before realising I'm trans, and KNOWING they're gonna react horribly? Oh, it's gonna be FUN. One message to cause complete and utter chaos. If it goes well, I get to use them a bit longer before going no contact. I'm a uni student, and they give me money. Hey, not complaining. If it goes badly, they put in the work of creating distance for me. It's win win.
The first thing my parents are gonna think when they find out I'm trans is that I ran off to uni and instantly got brainwashed into the woke mob.
Then comes the fun part, because, to anticipate that reaction, I can reveal just how much of my life this shit is, and, ontop of that, just how much of a plan I had. So many little details, so many little hints they couldn't get, so many times I've said and done shit KNOWING they won't suspect a thing until it's too late. Every little strange behaviour of mine over 2 years suddenly makes sense at once. They'll see just how thought out everything was, just how much the timings and the details were planned in advance, even down to the message itself. I've already written it. The master plan will be fully revealed, and it all worked PERFECTLY.
yeah, i think thats about it. for this post. nothing more here really.
(But yeah, "living and learning" this, "endless possibility" that, even a cheeky little "master plan" at the end- yeah, Crossworlds got my ass. Dragged me into a sonic phase starting with Shadow and his music, since that perfectly fit my edgy ass pre moving out. but once it expanded past Shadow, I gotta say, having a major positive shift in life coincide with an interest in Sonic and the music of the series hitd so so hard. Listening to so much music that honestly just would've pissed me off a few months ago but I could finally get behind that carefree attitude.
But now most of my playlist is ruined and I can't relate anymore.)
