Yan-Chan

#nevergiveup

#dontendit

#beyourself

Stop worrying and start living.

Yes im deadass serious

#beyouqueen

Dude that sent the GIF above the other message has a job and got annoyed that he's receiving notifications from the group till he needed to send voice messages to remind the others to stfu, told bro to silent his phone and he proceeded to send this shit mentioned above

mind u, it's evening LOLLLLL

ik it's probably the most boring shit ever, but it's something I find funny, ok

other ss

most harmless group chat I've been in for awhile

I hate doing things, so I just imagine being productive in my mind to keep my things off of everything I have seen throughout my living

I have some hatred for people who make everything about themselves. Like, extremely self-centred, puts themself into the conversation more than caring about the person who's speaking to them, comparing, whatever you can think of.

Just shut up and sit down for a minute.

No, I don't fully hate all people. I do have an obvious distaste in certain groups that don't put their critical thinking first. and always either all talk and no action, pure bimboness by finishing school work wrongly..

It gets to a point. A real point that I can't crash out for, otherwise, my mom would brush it off like how I tell my brother of hitting me or that girl that I've spoken about in my previous post as ' jealous '.

I myself aren't jealous of her. Her parents have good jobs while mine are the lowest housing income group on the chart.

Her mom apparently runs a small shop, obviously unknown of what she sells. Her father is a van driver. He drives kids back to their homes, similar to a bus driver in the US.

I don't have a knack for saying things I wish I didn't have to say towards people without their knowledge or behind their back, but she's gotta be the stupidest bitch I've ever seen in the entirety of my life.

No, I won't be staining my digital footprint full of hate speech towards her, respectfully, but with a background of hers and survival reflexes of an insect.. She definitely wouldn't be surviving on her own, especially if she gets married.

I actually feel so self-conscious when I feel somebody or somebody's kid looking at me.

Like, I adjust my hair to perfectly frame my face most of the time to look more proper for people that I meet. But there are times where I have the urge to go hide in my room, sit for a reality check, and tell myself that I might look egoistical or dolly-like for men passing by me, and might weird out people with how I look.

There are also days where I bawl my eyes out to when my eyes look as wide as two moons ready to clash at anything that approaches me. Analogically weird, but you get what I mean, emotionally.

It's weird, I know. It's that undescribable feeling of ugliness in me that makes me feel anti-social. That deepness in me, mostly isolated from people that I love or recognize. Makes me remember the beauty standards of the country that I live in.

Around me and on the screen that I watch and type this fully right now, I can see pale faces. Lighter faces of makeup with hijabis that sometimes make me rethink of deciding to not wear it. (I live in a predominantly Muslim area/nation, but I'm irreligious.)

I don't usually express it, but it makes my skin tingle of not taking care of myself well enough. Not well enough to fit men's standards of ' innocent, pure, pale, shorter or average height, skinny ', whatever you could think of.

But I never worry. I would never even betray my mom's standards just to simply fit in. I have more things to worry about in the future rather than getting a boyfriend at my young age. I have ambitions, I have potential, psychologically.

I don't even like being around men much anyway. Not that I mean I hate all men in the world, only men/boys in my part of town where they nastily speak of women and believe women should downgrade themselves for them.

I hate them. With the biggest half of my heart.

I am generally polite to other men, such as workers, security guards, and many types.

But men that are xenophobic, accuse a certain group for everything? Yeah, that's the part I definitely drew the line at, and never want to see crossed.

I sometimes hate whenever anybody acts so stupid that it almost wants me to flip the table over.

Like, not the normal type of stupidness you see committed by a classic stranger who never realizes what they're rambling or don't know what the topic of the conversation is about, or just simply somebody who says they aren't looking for trouble, but put you on the edge of your seat so much, the hellish type where they're dumb enough to not know how to not do things themselves, how to behave, and act needy around certain people

I have this one classmate, who on the first day of school seemed ok, very understandable and normal enough for me to socialize, but few days into the school year, I suddenly have urges to scratch the wall until it's ripping and throw a chair until the bottom of it breaks.

You may ask, ‘ But, why so dramatic for? ’

That girl had gotten on my nerves from the start.

Ruined my stationery.

Stealing my friends.

And, probably the stressing thing to me, on my behalf, asking questions and needing almost everybody's help, when the teacher already demonstrated the work for us.

It almost felt like God was baiting me into pure wrath by giving me a girl who has the mentality of a snail and the motor skills of a toddler. She was kind and all, but Gosh, it's annoying me the fact she keeps speaking in a babyish voice towards others and keeps getting close to boys.

I can't really describe much of my hatred that I grew for her in the past months. Lately, I've gone mental just from imagining her being in the same class as me.

I can't explain it coherently to my parents without the worry of them just brushing it off like dust.

Usually, I'd rather rant to a friend or even my brother when everything seems hopeless. My parents are worried about me, much now.

I've been like this since I was little.

I vaguely remember interacting with my classmates before I had been enrolled into a special education program. I used to have trouble counting in Math and seeing the board because my vision had gone blurry from phone addiction.

But, I did pretty well. Just not above average.

Anyway, I'd hate to make this long, but I'll love to post more things about my life on here.