Secrets and Randoms

Dear You,

It's been a while since I last wrote something here. It is now September of 2024. During the last few years I have felt like I lived through a whole different timeline. 

Last we spoke, your nephew was annoying AF. Guess what? he isn't anymore. He is an absolute sweetheart. He is empathetic, he is kind, he has emotions, he loves to draw and tell stories. He is in grade 1! almost grade 2!!

So much has happened since then. Let's see, when we last met, dad had a stroke and I was still working in migration. That was back in early 2020, we're towards the end of 2024 now nearly five years later. 

2020: I uprooted the whole family (mom, dad, Akik, Ovi and Eli) to a beautiful little regional town called Benalla. It's a 2.5 hour drive from the city, we moved due to the requirements of my visa and because Covid hit and both Akik and Ovi lost their jobs. I had to support everyone on my paycheck, I was not about to allow mom and dad to return to Bangladesh after dad's stroke without post-hospital care. They were with us for two years and left towards the end of 2021 (mind you they came in November of 2019). It was nice having them around.

I was able to work full time as mom looked after Eli, Ovi and Akik looked for work, we didn't force Akik to find work as we wanted him to finish his professional year smoothly. Eli had a horrible time in that house. He was almost what we call feral. He was biting, hitting, aggressive and non-verbal. The GP and specialists all said he was on the spectrum, in the middle of the pandemic, we had a wonderful speech pathologist come over and help Eli communicate. 

During this time 2020- December of 2022, I worked full time as a secondary maths and science teacher. Can you believe it? a MATH's teacher AND I taught Chemistry!! You would have been proud. I am good at maths now, it even surprises me. In 2021, you would be surprised to know that after ALL that hard work, we got our Permanent Residency.

In 2022 December, we moved back to Melbourne. By we I mean, Ovi, Eli and I. You would glad to know that our little brother got work and lived on his own for the first time from December 2022 until now. He has been getting a taste of independence and he is doing a terrific job. 

After moving to Melbourne, Eli's demeanor completely changed. He went from being a semi-verbal almost feral child to a beautifully speaking, pleasant child. He even goes to mainstream school now. His speech is a bit delayed, but he is getting there. He likes to draw, read, and do speed math. He hates writing though. 

In September of 2022, Akik got his invitation for applying for the skilled regional visa which leads to the PR. He worked his butt off to get that. After applying he finally got it in October of 2023. 

October of 2023 was a bag full of surprises. Let me tell you brother. So firstly, mom and dad were travelling to Dhaka from Cumilla when they were in a freak car accident. The car flipped three times, miraculously mom and dad weren't seriously injured. Mom did have an injury close to her spine. I was so stressed. Akik planned to go to Bangladesh, and we also decided to tag along because I couldn't stop stressing and crying. 

Upon reaching BD, we were able to introduce Eli to almost everyone. Eli really enjoyed the airplane and was overjoyed to see mom. He loves mom more than he loves me. Well so let me tell you what our sneaky parents were up to....

So for about a year or so, mom and dad have been talking to another family about Akik's marriage, not only that, Akik had also been talking to the girl. She's really nice and matches with Akik's Akikness well. Trust me, Akik is in love with her and it is soo cute. 

Anywho, our genius parents thought, this is the best time to get Akik's marriage done because we will not get Mikha, Ovi and Eli with Akik together again like this. Thus, in what was to be a 4 week trip to help those two recover, turned out to be a wedding fest. 

So our little brother, the last of the Khan's was married in November! we have a new addition to our family! and she's great.

Upon our return, I jumped back into work, Ovi and Akik did the same. We brought along with us Ovi's mom. She's been with us for a year. She's been helping with Eli.

This year 2024, something amazing happened within a few short few weeks. We (Ovi and I) passed our citizenship tests. We also purchased our very first home. There's another surprise, but I am not going to write about that here just now. 

Overall, since the last time we communicated, a LOT has happened. I cried thinking about you during each and every one of our milestones. Mom, dad and Akik also cried thinking about you, what you would do, how you would react, what you would say. We miss you big brother. We move on with life, but we will never forget you and what you meant to us. Love you to the moon and back. I hope we can see each other again one day. 

Ciao,

Hey,

It's been half a fucking decade, time apparently helps us heal right?

Okay, so it's been half a fucking decade, it still hurts like it was yesterday. I've tried many things to help me forget, help me move on, but I cannot. I remember your face like it was the last time I saw you, mind you this was before the last haircut you got.

I still remember your voice, your laugh and your smirk. I remember your angry face, your annoyed face, your inability to keep "a straight face" face when you were trying so hard and failing to be serious.

I have a son now, he is annoying AF, mom says he is just like you as a toddler. LOL I wish you were around him to love him and be his Boro Mama. Remember all the talks we had about our future kids and how you'd be the one to teach my kids all the bad words and how I'd be your kids best aunt? Akik tries his best to fill in your place and those two speak in a language only they understand. Every single day we miss you.

Lol Remember, how could you remember? you're gone right? you couldn't possibly be reading this post because you're gone. I do know that, still I write this. Why? Beats me....

I got started on my Library, got myself over 200 books on a bargain, if you were alive, I know you would lessen that load by quickly grabbing a few to read for yourself. How I miss having a competitive reading buddy. Though in all honesty, I still cannot forgive you for telling me that Snape killed Dumbledore in the Half-Blood Prince.

I think about a lot of things:

1) How you would have reacted to the whole Trump Debacle

2) How you would have reacted to the various tales of your nephew

3) How you would have dealt with dad's stroke (thinking about how you would cope got me through the whole situation).

4) What cars you would have owned/sold off by now.

5) Where you would be living now (Melbourne or still in Regional Victoria).

6) What your views of the pandemic would be.

7) What kind of job you'd be doing now

8) How awesome your home would have been

9) If you finally had all those kids that you dreamed of

10) How you would have reacted to Fast 9 going into space

11) Avengers Endgame

12) Fear Street Trilogy

13) The pathetic ending of the Game of Thrones and so much more....

I am always thinking about the life you should have lived and I still wonder why it was you and not me. Also people suck and you'd agree...

Woah that last bit rhymed, I should be a Poetist......(here's where'd you call me a dumbass)...

Dear Big Brother,

I miss your face.

Sincerely,

Your Little Sister.

On most odd days you may come across me holding my hands together. I’m usually pretending that I have someone besides me. I’m trying hard to keep myself together for me and those who need me.

I don’t have anyone who can look at me anymore and understand that I’m falling apart. Each day that passes takes a bit from me leaving the feeling of emptiness to grow bigger and bigger.

I hate myself, how I look, how I’ve become. I loathe seeing myself in the mirror every morning. Drawing the best face I can manage so that my clients can think I have all my shit together. Only if you saw the nail marks in my palms would you be able to tell just how hard it is for me to keep everything together.

I hide behind my jokes, run away from feelings of happiness as it will harm my wall. The wall I’ve built to protect me….alas I believe that it is coming undone…falling apart like my heart…

Piece by piece, until I’m no more….

No more heartache, no more expectations, no more disappointment…Eventually no more zee

Hi, this is my rant on my blog, like it, hate it? Couldn’t care much at this moment.

I understand that not all families are the same…just because one person’s experience with their family is genuinely shit doesn’t mean everyone’s family dynamic is the same…for anyone to even think that as an adult is absurd…

Never.Ever.Pretend you know me or my family dynamic just because you were close with one of us. We may rant and get mad at our siblings or parents but it does not mean in anyway that we did not love each other…

Don’t you dare pretend to think that by being in our lives for a short amount of time you know us all…sorry it does not work like that…the way one of shared our deepest feelings of hurt with you, I was shared deepest hurt feelings pertaining to you…

Stop kidding yourself as the only one who suffered from loss. No I’m sorry you don’t get to act like the most affected by this loss…your acts hurt someone alive whom we all care the most for…don’t kid yourself thinking that a person who has known someone for barely 3+ years somehow felt more pain than the mother and father who sacrificed so much to raise a child, a brother and sister who has lost their eldest sibling…no, just plain NO.

You turned the one person who cared about your feelings in the family against you…your anger was displaced and I was at the receiving end…

I have finally gathered the courage to say that…

It is not me but you who was wrong, you have a warped imagination…to you I would like to end everything with the following…1) thousands of people go to places for closure, 2) naming someone in honour of someone else is not taking away their identity ask J.K Rowling (though I question her choices for names)…3) I was the second person to welcome you with open arms into my family, I loved you and cared about you, but I’m done…no more…

I have suffered enough going back and forth, thinking about where it all went wrong, and it finally hit me…I was searching for something which did not exist.

You could’ve just asked for a clean break instead of playing dirty and being the biggest hypocrite ever…everyone processes loss differently you had no RIGHT to judge how I was processing it…

Anyways now that all that is off my chest, I genuinely hope that you can move on and have a shot at a happy life…because well a part of me still cares about you and I do not know why…but this is my break from you.

Dear Diary,

I never understood what a broken heart was until now, I mean I have had my fair share of heartache with relationships gone sour, lost friendships and an unending plethora of disheartening events. However, what I assumed was a broken heart in the past, was nothing compared to what I have been feeling this last year. 

I mean, we read about broken hearts all the time, watch our favorite characters go through it in movies, tv shows and in anime even. Yet, physically going through one is a whole other story.

my best description of a Broken Heart is...

An ache in the middle of your chest, a pain that you can actually feel, it is there, it is very real. The pain is dull at times but is always present, in different intensities.

At times the pain is so strong, makes it hard to breathe, it brings out this illogical anger at things that are not even remotely related to the cause of the broken heart. 

Joyful news, events, celebrations are cue for tears of sadness rather than happiness. The feeling of hopelessness that follows is parallel to that of depression, well they are almost always intertwined with one another.

One may say that the pain is emotional rather than physical, an aftereffect of the loss. I believe otherwise, it is real, it is physical and is very present, it feels like a wound that is not likely to heal completely, ever. Like a mended broken bone aching when it rains, except the ache in this case doesn’t go away when the sun comes up.

Finally it is a feeling that is mirrored by people all around the world, the type of loss may be different, but the pain is the same.....

Dear Diary,

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote in you. 8 days after my last post, my Elder Brother, one of my two best buds for life (the other being my little brother), my confidant, and my part-time guardian passed away in a freak accident at the beach at Coffs Harbour in NSW, Australia. He was caught up in a rip tide along with his best friend, our designated “mummy” Tharun Gokul. 

Though it has been 5 months since it happened, I still cannot believe it. My mind is yet to grasp the truth of their passing. Usually I can ignore it by immersing myself in a load of work, or by tiring myself out by physical exertion but at times it is just so hard.

At certain times when I am alone, going home on the tram, or walking through the dark streets...I miss them a lot because that would be my time to talk to them both. Most of our conversations were nonsense but it was fun and brought in a warm bubble of comfort, making the lonely journey feel safe. Yes I know that I am talking about myself and the effects on ME, but I think I can say that they enjoyed our conversations too. 

I still “talk” to them now, its just that I cannot hear anyone laugh at my stupid stories, make fun of my blunders, share in my cries and joys etc...I sometimes write on their Facebook walls, I know they cannot read it because you know...But I hope the Mark Zuckerberg of Heaven found out a way for them to see the posts. 

I understand that his pain is going to last me a long time, longer than a physical wound but there is nothing I can do about it. 

I wish I could see more people talking about them, remembering them..I feel like people are forgetting that they existed. This hurts me a lot because both men were wonderful beings who made it their job to keep in touch with those they cared about. I haven’t had a single person reach out to me or my parents after the burial. It hurts, a lot, but what can I say? people say that this is life. 

Signing off until next time,

Greetings,

Well hi again, this is my first post for the new year! Yes I know it’s almost mid-March! I’ve been busy as you will see once I tell you what I’ve been up to. Though TBH I have absolutely no idea if anyone still reads this blog, It’s Okay it’s more of a diary for me anyways, something for me to look back at and laugh. 

Anywho...So like I said i’ve been very busy the last few months. During the long hiatus I have managed to Graduate from the University of Melbourne with decent grades!! woooohooo!! It was a hell of a hard year full of decisions and sacrifices and so on... 

2015 marked the year of a lot of firsts! It is the year I attended and participated in my first graduation :) The year I decided to listen to my intuition rather than the sometimes unwanted advice from others. The year I told my parents about my best friend whom I accidentally fell in love with and finally the year I got Engaged Officially, with the blessings of both parents. 

Coincidentally 2016 followed in suit with the end of 2015 and guess what? I GOT MARRIED to aforementioned best friend!! It was sudden and completely unexpected!