Your grief is not lost, we’re taking it on as well / No one is dying alone
One of the hardest realities of the coronavirus pandemic has been that families are being separated from loved ones in the hospital. From minor instances such as not being there for a friend who has broken their arm, to serious illnesses where a husband has had to say goodbye to a wife over the phone, healthcare has changed.
In the news, we hear so many heart breaking stories about family not being there for their loved ones when they die. About people everyday, dying alone. And it horrifies us. Something that would have been deemed inhumane in pre-pandemic times is now common practice. No one ever thought we could end up here, like this.
However, when I read these stories, there is always a glimpse of something else. It’s never the main plot, and has maybe one or two sentences of mention. It talks about how a nurse, doctor, social worker was there, trying their best to connect families in anyway they could, and trying to be there for their patients desperately.
As an emergency room nurse, I am no stranger to grief and pain. I see people suffer every shift - not only physically, but emotionally as well. And one of the ways that healthcare providers have learned to handle this is by developing coping strategies. You distance yourself, and try not to let it affect you. Sure, sometimes you hug or share a moment with a family member or patient, but you learn quickly that the more of other people’s pain that you let in, the more the job becomes intolerable. If I felt every emotion that my patients and their families felt everyday, I would never be able to get out of bed.
But now, here we are. And those coping mechanisms? They have been forced aside. When people are dying, when they are suffering or gasping for air, now we have to be there. We have to be the ones at the bedside, telling them that it’s okay. Telling them that they are so loved. That there families have been calling constantly, pleading to see them. Looking into their eyes and seeing panic and fear and trying anything, everything to soothe them. Because we can’t watch people die alone. That thought - that haunting thought - is far too much for anyone to bear. So instead, we stand there, beside them, and we hold their hand. And in a moment when they have nothing that they need, we try to somehow be everything for them.
I bring this up not to make the public take pity on us. I bring this up instead for the families. We could never replace you being at the bedside. But before, where we used to let grief be your own, we are now taking it on as ours. My job is astronomically harder than it has ever been. But we will continue to do it.
I also bring this up for the healthcare providers. What you are going through - seeing, experiencing - we aren’t going to be able to normalize it and compartmentalize it like we normally do. And those feelings that you are feeling - of despair, of ache - we are all feeling them. It’s okay. Because if we can stand beside all of our patients when they need us, we can stand beside each other as well.
In the end, I just really want people to know - this pandemic is horrible, but no one is dying alone. Healthcare providers are there. We are suffering, but we are there.
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