Searching in the South

I’ve had more energy, better concentration, and starting to enjoy things more. I don’t know if it’s the synthroid or the Zoloft, but I’m gonna keep taking both.

I’ve been really productive at work this week which is a relief. I’ve caught up on most deadlines. Started organizing the massive pile of paperwork that accumulated when I was on leave. Making progress.

Diet and exercise have been way off. I’m still having trouble eating well and not losing my milk supply. If I eat ALL the carbs, I get great output. I’m trying got build a freezer stash so I can stop pumping soon, so I need to keep up my oversupply. I haven’t found healthy eating patterns that achieve this yet..

Walking a couple of times a week. Want to make that more regular though. Want to get back into yoga. Want a personal trainer since that’s how I lost 60lbs last time.

I found energy, now I need motivation.

LOOK AT THIS 5 MONTH OLD.

Had my OB appt on Monday and word vomited/ugly cried about everything to the poor NP. Diagnosed with PPD. But they also ran labs and my thyroid is jacked up. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism during pregnancy, and it seems that still is the case. Hypothyroidism can impact mood. So I’m on snythroid. She referred me to a PCP as well who I saw yesterday. Confirmed everything and also started me on Zoloft.

Still searching for a therapist since I know therapy and medication work best together. I still need to talk through some of the concerns I have about bonding with Isaac and intimacy with my husband. I don’t think those will get better with just medication..

I am at least feeling better now knowing that I’m taking steps to work through this.

Didn’t cook like I should have this week. We did prep some on Monday so I’ve been eating ok but my supply is down. It’s ridiculous that to produce milk I have to eat like a 15 yr old boy. Didn’t walk either this week.. it’s been cold and rainy. That sounds like just an excuse. It is supposed to be warmer today and tomorrow so hopefully we can take a couple of walks a day instead.

When I talked to my PCP I did ask if this antidepressant could cause weight gain. Basically said it depends but it shouldn’t - it just won’t aid in loss. She suggested I look into the Mediterranean diet if I’m trying to better my health/weight, but she wasn’t pushy at all. I fully prepared myself for a lecture on how unhealthy I am (based on my BMI at least) but she said she was most concerned with getting me feeling better.

And I need to feel better. Especially for this guy.

Hygge. I am deep in hygge right now.

Bought a faux fur robe (and matching slippers) for myself for Christmas and I’m snuggled up on the couch with the fireplace on watching The Mandalorian with the hubs. And the pup. Babe is sound asleep upstairs and I’m starting to get snoozy myself.

Got in 3 days of walking this week. We meal prepped Monday so while I didn’t technically cook this week, I did eat home cooked meals. It’s hard though. I need around 2,600 calories a day to keep up my milk supply. I’m finding that I don’t eat enough throughout the day and then I eat a ton before bed. Need to find better ways to fit in meals and snacks during day time.

My pastor called this week wanting to sit down and check in with me. Before william and I got married, we went through premarital counseling since we’re Lutheran (or catholic lite as I like to call it; catholic without the guilt). I have a feeling she wants to see how I’m handling motherhood. Then I got a call from my OB, also checking in. So I took that as a sign and told them I felt like I might have some PPD/PPA. So I’m going in next week to be evaluated.

This week did seem better though. Less sad but still a lot of anxiety and irritation. I’m hoping a referral to counseling will be helpful. I’m open to meds if needed, but would like to try therapy first.

He got back from being out of town for his Popou’s life celebration and we had a real talk about how he’s processing his grief and how he’s been feeling about us.

He’s concerned I’m not taking care of myself and therefore having trouble with us. I’ve been distant and pushing him away at times. I’m not sure why. I’m still struggling with my body. Struggling with balancing pumping. And spending time with Isaac. And making room for him. It’s hard. But I think it’s time to talk to someone. I work with and around therapists all day, and I advocate for and know the value of therapy. I just need to take my own advice.

I also made a wellness commitment for the next month. Walk 3 times a week and cook real meals 2 times a week. It’s a realistic goal. I can even walk with Isaac. And since my mom keeps him, she can get dinner started so I can pick it up when I get off of work. It’s a small step which is where I have to start right now.

Also, look at this 4 mo who woke up with NO FEVER today!